Opinionated

Limitless Has Limits, And Other Pun-Tastic UK Box Office News

2011-03-30T20:42:00.005+01:00

Sorry for not posting a report last week. Very busy. Here's this week's!

Once again, we have a week where nothing interesting came out, but everything interesting happened to the list. This week’s number 1 is Limitless, the Bradley Cooper drug taking escapist thriller, making over £2 million including previews. You know, I could waste time making jokes about how this movie connects with today’s slacker, drug taking, arrogant pricks of a generation… but I just did. So, there!

Elsewhere, more people wanted to see the Kidulthood/Adulthood parody Anuvahood (and, yes, it really is a parody of those two movies. I’m not making this up) than Chalet Girl as the first one climbed up to number seven and the second dropped four places to eighth. I’m not sure whether this is an achievement or a sign of the end of days. Richard Ayoade’s Submarine continues to hold steady at number 12 (yes, I am just going to start writing about films that interest me now), and both Gnomeo & Juliet and The King’s Speech say their goodbyes as they depart from the list.

As for a quick no show New Release run down: Country Strong debuted a pitiful 27th, with barely £22,000; Faster came in 15th showing that nobody wants to see The Rock be an action star; and Werner Herzog’s 3D documentary Cave Of Forgotten Dreams came 17th. More people wanted to see a 3D documentary about cave paintings than Gwyneth Paltrow singing. This is a thing.

But it’s time for the Seriously, WTF?! Of The Week! And it’s this simple fact: A Turtle’s Tale 3D is number three on the list. And if you include previews, then it is second on the list, narrowly beating out The Eagle. As per usual, words fail me.

Thanks to this mind-altering drug, it took me five hours longer than usual to write this full list! I also wrestled a pink elephant and got savaged by wild geese! Stay in school kids!

UK Box Office Results: 25th March – 27th March

1] Limitless
£1,594,424 / £2,087,363

I think I’ve figured out why this film is so damn popular, and it’s not for Bradley Cooper (who, for the record, I would’ve been perfectly fine with playing Nathan Drake in the Uncharted movie if he was cast). No. It’s because there’s a Kanye West song on the adverts! Think about it. Glee, one week, had Will Schuester (World’s Worst Teacher winner for two years running!) performing Golddigger for an ad. And The Social Network also had Power backing its ad campaign. “Oh, but Callum! How could you be so cynical as to thinking people only saw The Social Network due to a Kanye song?” Simple. People don’t watch movies for the plot or acting or directing or anything like that!

2] The Eagle
£821,769 / £1,038,954

And here is the evidence to back up my previous claim. I’ve no idea why people are seeing this because it looks crap and I know nobody who wants to see it. Plus, “There’s no fit people in it” says one of my friends who is into just about any actor over the age of 28 with white skin and legs and a cock. This shit is too funny to make up, I swear to God!

3] A Turtle’s Tale
£795,918 / £1,122,067

Fun, possibly false, fact: This was apparently based on a special educational 3D film that was shown at The Deep (the museum). Didn’t know before? Well now you do! And knowing is half the battle!

4] Rango
£670,992 / £5,892,274

Seriously though, A Turtle’s Tale has no redeeming value whatsoever. If this were February, I would’ve at least given it the “It Looks Pretty” card. But Rango’s here, so it doesn’t even get that. Christ, Rango even makes Pixar films look like shit! That’s how pretty it is!

5] Unknown
£477,531 / £5,366,574

A big drop in revenue this week. Neeson won’t be pleased. Pray for us all.

6] Battle: Los Angeles
£425,952 / £4,269,950

I was tempted to say that with Sucker Punch out this week, which I’m totally going to see, Battle: LA wouldn’t be hanging around much longer. But then I saw how badly it’s done in America, and I don’t believe my own statement any more. If you Americans won’t eat it up, what makes you think we will?!

7] Anuvahood
£392,212 / £1,207,877

Oh, wait…

8] Chalet Girl
£339,947 / £1,306,023

OK! You’ve made your damn point! Shut up already!

9] The Lincoln Lawyer
£324,146 / £1,274,646

Well, it’s official! The ladies don’t want to see Matthew McConaughey act! They only want to see him with his money making abs! This is a damning indictment of his future career, if I ever heard one. Which I don’t, because he’s never had a career! BOOM!!

10] Hall Pass
£304,571 / £2,610,694

It looks like this just got a pass… straight outta the chart. YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

Dropped Out: The Adjustment Bureau, Gnomeo & Juliet, The King’s Speech

That's this week's list! Comment below, follow me and join me here every Wednesday for the latest UK Box Office Report!

jackanderson fought for his meals, he gets his back into his living.

Boring Week At The Box Office Makes My Job That Much Harder, And Other UK Box Office News

2011-03-16T20:08:00.002Z

Unsurprisingly, Battle: Los Angeles is your new UK Box Office Number 1, taking nearly £1.8 million. Look, whether or not the film is any good is irrelevant. It's the first big and proper action blockbuster of the year and people are going to flock to it regardless of its quality. Low critic reviews aren't going to change that. We need to get our stupid on, people! On the other end of the new release scale is the clever thriller for dumb people Fair Game which entered ninth with just over £300,000.

Elsewhere, Rango continues to make money, coming in second with £1.5 million. That's great news, considering the fact that it's very adult and Gnomeo & Juli-areyoushittingme?thisisstillhangingaround? is still hanging around. Hall Pass beat Paul, though I don't really think a fifth place debut is any kind of victory. And The King's Speech has decided that it'll hang around until the end of time. Surely people must be sick of seeing it by now? SURELY?

Otherwise, there really isn’t much to talk about. This week it’s rather predictable and uninteresting. Nothing really important dropped out (aside from Yogi Bear, thank the lord), there are no really big drops and nothing’s really bombed that badly. Most depressing news of all for this hard working, upstanding, young writer? Nothing big is coming out next week, so the list’ll probably stay exactly the same next week.

So, yeah. A full list. Get yours.

UK Box Office Results: 11th – 12th March

1] Battle: Los Angeles
£1,792,913 / NEW

What? You mean that the first really big action movie of the year that’s dumb as a sack of Justin Bieber dolls, has a moderate budget but looks big budget and has middling to Roger Ebert reviews, gasp!, made MONEY? Get outta here! No, seriously. Get out.

2] Rango
£1,539,809 / £3,615,885

Only a 4% drop this week. That pleases me. I need to get around to seeing this. Especially before the giant behemoth that is Winnie-The-Pooh debuts on UK shores on April 15th. It’s already my Film Of The Year, and I haven’t even seen it yet!

3] Unknown
£1,038,522 / £3,161,588

What can I say? Who doesn’t love seeing Liam Neeson punch some Europeans in the face? Communists, that’s who!

4] The Adjustment Bureau
£911,863 / £3,082,693

Slightly steep drop, but not too bad, all things considered. Matt Damon and Emily Blunt are big draws as it turns out. This is really the only commentary I have on this movie for the next however weeks. Get ready to see a blank space often!

5] Hall Pass
£900,936 / NEW

Anybody catch The Ricky Gervais Show on E4 last night? Stephen Merchant’s anecdote about his holiday in Rio was absolutely hilarious. He’s also rather good in those Barclays ads. And he sounds like he’ll be ace in Portal 2. What I’m getting at is this: how can someone so funny be in such an unfunny shit heap as Hall Pass?

6] The King’s Speech
£689,809 / £43,257,392

WHY. WON’T. YOU. JUST. F*CKING. DIE. ALREADY!!!!???

7] Paul
£559,856 / £13,231,326

It wasn’t until the other week that I found out that America doesn’t get Paul until Friday. Between this and Winnie-The-Pooh’s mammoth 2 MONTH exclusivity pass for non USA countries, I’m wondering if we’re going to see a turnaround in release schedules.

8] Gnomeo & Juliet
£553,485 / £14,754,576

If nothing else, I’m glad that Rango is destroying this gorram piece of tripe.

9] Fair Game
£304,297 / NEW

In response to the question posed at number 7, this was originally released in November of last year in USA. So that’s an emphatic no, then!

10] West Is West
£248,432 / £2,097,047

It’s official: The Johnny English sequel IS going to make King’s Speech numbers. I’m fairly sure that this is one of the signs of the upcoming apocalypse.

Dropped Out: I Am Number Four, True Grit, Yogi Bear

That's this week's list! Comment, follow and join me back here every Wednesday for the latest UK Box Office Report!

jackanderson needs you tonight, cos he's not sleeping.

I'm Crap At Sticking To Deadlines, And Other, More Relevant, UK Box Office News

2011-03-11T21:30:00.003Z

Apologies for this being late up. It's been a hectic, horrible week for me. Here it is, though.

Much like the American Box Office Report, this is one of the good weeks. Good movies did good, bad movies did bad and we all get to leave with a great big smile on our faces. Isn’t that nice for a change?

Anywho, out of the week’s new releases, Rango did the best of the bunch wrangling the top spot with just over £1.6 million in what was a fairly low intake week all round. The Adjustment Bureau, the Matt Damon/Emily Blunt sci-fi romance drama that I’m still not seeing due to the “romance” part, came second with just under £1.4 million. And Unknown, the second step in the grand master plan to get Fightin’ All Over The World with Liam Neeson off the ground, came in third with just £40,000 less than The Adjustment Bureau. Disappointing? Maybe. All I know, is that Neeson’s gonna be pissed!

Meanwhile; I Am Number Four flat out refuses to give us the satisfaction of dropping to fourth, West Is West actually went UP the list (no, really) and Yogi Bear is sinking like a stone. Oh, hell yes! As for The Tempest, the other Shakespeare adaptation that is complete shite? Bomb. Big one. Big one. It entered at number 32, with only £8,500. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Well, I’m in a happy mood. Shall we commence with the full list?

UK Box Office Results: 4th – 6th March

1] Rango
£1,638,613 / NEW

Turns out your animated family movie really can be a big success even if you’re really weird, rather adult, not just a string of pop culture jokes and not in 3D! So suck it, Dreamworks! Of course, the big question is how long it’s going to hold on to the list, seeing as Rio is out next month (shudders) and a goddamn turtle movie (yes, with the tagline "Turtle-y Brilliant) is coming out in two weeks.

2] The Adjustment Bureau
£1,395,715 / NEW

OK, maybe I’ll end up seeing this. But only because there’s nothing else out, I need to see something with my mates, and I’m still resolute in my belief that I won’t like it. Actually, there’s always the goddamn turtle movie. Skipping, it is, then!

3] Unknown
£1,356,345 / NEW

First we take his daughter, then his identity, and now his money. We just won’t leave this man alone, will we?

4] Paul
£1,109,766 / £12,207,049

FX have been re-running Arrested Development here in the UK and I’ve been loving every single moment of it! My tenuous link between that and Paul is that Jason Bateman and Jeffery Tambor are BOTH in this movie! It reminded me of how much that Arrested Development movie needs to be made. Like, now!

5] The King’s Speech
£1,076,381 / £41,930,117

Do you think that they’re just hiding money in the banana stand and bringing it out whenever it looks like this film will drop off the list? Cos it sure as hell feels like it.

6] Gnomeo & Juliet
£842,278 / £14,083,933

Elton John’s pissed that those at Disney haven’t called and congratulated him that the shit movie he was involved with that they passed on is now making money. Can’t imagine why.

7] I Am Number Four
£498,822 / £2,590,955

It’s like this film is just mocking me by refusing to place fourth, it really is.

8] True Grit
£463,320 / £7,474,378

I got all up on the biz of reviewing this shit at the weeks end, yo. I thought it was, like, well sick, yo. Place was stacked higher than yo mamma’s flab panels! Word! … … Yeah, so I’m currently creatively bankrupt. I’m ashamed of myself too. On a serious note, the last ever showing was packed to the rafters which made me really happy. And then, because it was so packed, they extended screenings for another week! Another victory for quality cinema!

9] West Is West
£452,076 / £1,624,926

People are actually seeing this. This is a thing. Christ, that Johnny English sequel is probably going to make King’s Speech numbers at this rate!

10] Yogi Bear
£435,564 / £8,217,352

I have the perfect celebration song for this film finally f*cking off. Here it is.

Dropped Out: Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son (every damn time I start up a running gag, the attached film drops out!), No Strings Attached, Tangled.

That's this week's list. Comment below, follow me and join me here every Wednesday for the latest UK Box Office Report!

jackanderson will be master conquestador, give him soul and show him the door!

Screen One: True Grit

2011-03-05T22:59:00.001Z

Film: True Grit
Directors: Joel & Ethan Cohen
Written By: Joel & Ethan Cohen (Screenplay), Charles Portis (Story)
Distributor: Paramount Pictures
Run Time: 1 hour 50 minutes
Starring: Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon, Hailee Steinfeld, Josh Brolin

True Grit is a straight western. Not a thriller with a western bent. Not a drama set during the western period. Not even a Coen Brothers style western. True Grit is just a straight western. It's as if the Coens sat down and decided that they wanted to make a western and were going to tone down their trademarked weirdness just to make that happen. This is absolutely no bad thing, as True Grit is a great western that will be best remembered for it's stellar performances, great script and absolutely beautiful cinematography.

Mattie Ross' (Steinfeld) father was recently killed by notorious cowardly outlaw Tom Chaney (Brolin). With the police appearing completely uninterested in the matter, Mattie decides to hire a US Marshall. She, naturally, plumps for the one with the highest kill count, Rooster Cogburn (Bridges) and along with Texas Ranger LeBoeuf (Damon), who wants Chaney for his own reasons, the pair head off in search of him and each find their grit tested in various ways.

I'm unsure as to how this True Grit compares to the book or the 1960's John Wayne version due to me having not seen or read either of them, but this film should certainly stand on it's own right. It's a thoroughly enjoyable western which, strangely, has a rather light atmosphere. The majority of the run time, and dialogue, concerns the trio of good guys trading insults and taking pot shots at each other's competence or, in some cases, incompetence. This creates a nice atmosphere and makes the character developments much more believable, but it's also enjoyable to watch. There is one particular scene involving Cogburn and LeBoeuf in a shooting contest that I particularly enjoyed.

The strong writing is also backed up by uniformly excellent performances across the board. Matt Damon is the one who appears to be having the most fun as LeBoeuf, bringing the correct amount of snark to the character to make him still be likeable. Josh Brolin is great in the roughly five minutes of screen time he gets, Barry Pepper is similarly ace as “Lucky” Ned Pepper, and Jeff Bridges, who has just been on fire for these past couple of years, absolutely nails Cogburn, exaggerating his eccentricities and drunkenness whilst still making it look believable when he's displayed to be an excellent marksman.

But, without a shadow of a doubt, the true star of the show is newcomer Hailee Steinfeld as Mattie Ross. She completely holds her own against the older and more experienced members of the cast and, arguably, comes off as the best performer. She's quick witted, able to display a vast range of emotions and, most importantly, able to pin Mattie down with the humanity required for us as an audience to truly get her determination to track down Chaney. I usually despise child stars, but when they are as good as Steinfeld, I'm more than willing to tolerate them. Well done to the Coens for directing her so well, and well done to Steinfeld for being amazing.

It takes a lot for me to notice the component parts in movies. The things I usually take for granted like set design and lighting, get passed by in my reviews. I want to tell you that because when I stop to inform you that the cinematography in this movie is breathtakingly beautiful, you know that I mean it. Every single shot is gorgeous and obviously a labour of love. The first and final shots of the movie are all the proof you'll ever need of that fact, though I'd rather not describe them to you. Go see the movie, it'll do better justice. Roger Deakins was undeservedly robbed of that Oscar in my opinion.

Complaints? Yeah, I've got a couple. This could be a personal issue for me, but there were times when the soundtrack seemed wrong for this movie. It's rather too happy in my opinion and plays up the “end of an era” angle so much, I feel like I'm being force-fed the message. Josh Brolin is great as Tom Chaney (in fact, he's so good, we can officially cross him off of the list of suspects responsible for Jonah Hex), but we never get to see enough of him, or of Chaney. He's on screen for almost literally five minutes, and whilst he eats the scenery when he's on screen, it makes it very hard to care for the man. You can't try and get the audience to root for the bad guy's comeuppance when you don't get to know him or see him long enough.

And lastly, there's the ending. The film seems to climax about 10 minutes before the credits roll, but then just seems to wonder about aimlessly, unsure of when to stop. It doesn't really tie up any loose ends or say anything of importance or add anything to make those final 10 worth it. Aside from a beautiful (and good God, do I mean beautiful!) end shot, there's no real reason for it and it cripples the, up to that point, excellent pacing that the film has.

But, nevertheless, it does not derail True Grit. The film is still great, with a fun script, ace performances and cinematography so exceptional that I actually devoted an entire paragraph to talking about it. The fact that the Coens reigned it in actually makes the movie more accessible than a lot of their other work, but also makes it a great throwback to westerns of old. It's a very good and enjoyable film that I recommend you go see as soon as possible.

4 out of 5.

This Week Is Complete Shite, And Other UK Box Office News

2011-03-02T21:00:00.003Z

Bad news from the zones, tumbleweeds! This week's UK Box Office Report is nothing but absolute shite. Reigning champion Paul was knocked off by goddamn Gnomeo & Juliet of all movies, Yogi Bear actually went UP the list and Big Mommas continues to exist. It's one of those weeks.

In the town of new releases, I Am Number Four did best (or worst if wanted to use that godawful pun) coming in third for the weekend with over £1.6 million and baiting me just like Alex by refusing to come in Fourth! How f*cking hard can it possibly be?! No Strings Attached only came in eighth with just under a million and hopefully this is evidence that the general public have stopped giving two shits about Ashton Kutcher. (Or, as he shall now be known, Razzie Award Winner Ashton Kutcher!) The Rite, thankfully, completely failed to even enter the list petering out at an abysmal 12th. And somebody must’ve really been waiting for that East Is East sequel because West Is West sneaked onto the list in number 10 with just over 3/4 of a million quid. So, that’s a thing.

But now we must return to the sad news. To put it simply, Drive Angry has bombed. Hard. It barely earned over £650,000 and that, don’t forget kiddies, is with inflated 3D ticket prices. It debuted in 11th and, to be honest, bad reviews probably sank it without a trace. And, yes, I am aware that Robbie Collin of the News Of The World gave it a positive review but since when has his opinion meant anything other jack shit? Yes, I am so depressed by this week’s list that I’m resorting to trash talking other professional film reviewers. Let’s get this over with.

Look alive, sunshine. Here comes the full list and if you continue reading I promise to stop crowbarring in My Chemical Romance references.

UK Box Office Results: 25th February – 27th February

1] Gnomeo & Juliet
£2,502,806 / £12,901,447

Half term’s a money maker it seems. Look, I can’t take it anymore. I need answers. Internet, have any of you seen this movie and, if so, what’s it like? Is it as crap as the trailer makes out? Is it just a bunch of garden based jokes stapled to a Shakespeare adaptation? Is it worse than the trailer? Is The Tempest finally (allegedly) hitting UK shores this week going to cut into it? I need answers, dammit! TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!

2] Paul
£2,073,462 / £10,110,433

Loads of my friends have seen this and our hive mind consensus is that, yes, it’s a very funny movie but, no, it’s not as good as Shaun Of The Dead or Hot Fuzz. Which reminds me, where the hell is that third Blood & Ice Cream movie? It’s been about, what, five years since Hot Fuzz? I’m fairly certain we’re due another genre mocking British monolith. So; Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg & Nick Frost, make with the movie already!

3] I Am Number Four
£1,628,523 / NEW

I hate the mere idea of this movie. And it’s utter refusal to place fourth means that it’s lost another potential viewer. Admittedly, I was never going anyway but here’s my counter argument: Shut up!

4] Yogi Bear
£1,465,863 / £7,635,574

Oh dear Christ. We’re going to get a sequel now, aren’t we?

5] Tangled
£1,352,104 / £19,130,723

What can I say? Half term’s a money maker! Although its continued lower placement than Yogi Bear and Gnomeo & Juli-I’mreallygettingsickoftypingthismotherf*ckinmovie’snamenow aggravates me to no end.

6] The King’s Speech
£1,207,963 / £39,850,419

Sorry, is this a dream? Are we Brits finally sick of seeing this movie 900 times and we’re deciding to finally see something else instead? Where’s my damn totem!?

7] Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son
£993,485 / £4,080,907

Instead of providing you with pithy commentary about this movie each week it festers on this list, I’m just going to link you to whatever song I’m listening to at the time of writing this article. Hopefully, if I ignore this film enough, it’ll go away. This week: Womack & Womack – Teardrops.
8] No Strings Attached
£978,974 / NEW

Several good things can be gleamed from this. 1] Nobody likes Ashton Kutcher anymore. 2] It didn’t cost Natalie Portman her thoroughly deserved Oscar, like us sceptics believed. 3] It means that I can trot out my “Natalie Portman’s pregnant! OMGFG1!1!1!” joke again! 4] You all are aware that Natalie Portman is pre- (gunshot, body lies twitching on the ground).

9] True Grit
£862,260 / £6,426,424

Wasn’t it depressing to see True Grit completely and utterly shut out at this year’s Oscars, despite being nominated for 10 awards? Hopefully, hopefully, I may be seeing this on Saturday. But it is the last showing ever in a 50 mile radius of me, so if I don’t, it’s DVD waiting time for me!

10] West Is West
£758,226 / NEW

Your desktop does not need adjusting. More people wanted to see the East Is East sequel than Justin Bieber. This is, officially, the greatest day of my movie critic career!

Dropped Out: Just Go With It, Justin Bieber: Never Say Never (yesssssssss!!), Black Swan

That's this week's list! Comment, follow and join me back here every Wednesday for the latest UK Box Office Report!

jackanderson needs a saga. What's the saga? It's Songs For The Deaf. You can't even hear it!

The Month In Movies UK: March (And April 1st) 2011

2011-02-26T14:15:00.002Z

Welcome back to The Month In Movies UK! This is the feature where I run down the month’s releases for the UK and tell you that you are much better off saving your money this month. As always I’m selecting based on movies in the coming soon category of VUE West End in London, seeing as that is where the majority of films are screened in the UK.

What is there to say about March other than: “Oh dear.” Simply put; NOTHING good looking is coming out! Nothing. At all. It’s thoroughly depressing. And there’s also bugger all coming out, which is just insult to injury! It also means that I have bugger all to write about. But there a couple of good looking films coming out on April 1st. So, to artificially lengthen this piece and give you some hope, this month’s Month In Movies UK will be a March to April 1st special spectacular! Anyways, let’s get on with it.

Note: This is not a list of films that I will be reviewing. It is not a complete list of films coming out this month. The opinions expressed within this list are based on information and trailers for the films coming out this month. I have not seen any of these films (and probably won’t see a lot of them). All release dates subject to change.

The Month In Movies UK: March to April 1st 2011

Ironclad (4th March)
Director: Jonathon English
Starring: James Purefoy, Paul Giamatti, Brian Cox

From what I can gather, this is a British version of The Eagle which, coincidentally, is also coming out this month. So if you like period action movies about men in England swinging swords and covered in mud, this is totally your month!

Rango (4th March)
Director: Gore Verbinski
Starring: Johnny Depp, Isla Fisher, Bill Nighy

You know how I said nothing good is coming out this month? This is the exception. Not only does it look absolutely gorgeous, but it also looks weird, original and inventive enough to stand out from the millions of Pixar wannabes out there. Or, in the case of next month’s big animated film, Rio, Dreamworks wannabes. (shudders)

The Adjustment Bureau (4th March)
Director: George Nolfi
Starring: Matt Damon, Emily Blunt

Yeah, I know that this is one of Pope’s most anticipated movies of the year, but I’m not feeling it. Oh, don’t get me wrong, the idea is excellent. A shadowy cabal of men control the fates of everybody in the entire world, that sounds great. However, I’m worried that they’re going to skip over that and focus on Matt Damon and Emily Blunt’s “star-crossed lovers” bullshite. If it doesn’t, I’ll rescind everything that I say and see the movie. Otherwise, I’m right again and should really become one of those magical gypsies who read crystal balls for a living.

Unknown (4th March)
Director: Juame Collet-Serra
Starring: Liam Neeson, Diane Kruger, January Jones

Liam Neeson beats up Europe. Again. Honestly, you’d think that we’d learn to stop pissing off the man, but obviously not.

Battle: Los Angeles (11th March)
Director: Jonathon Liebesman
Starring: Aaron Eckhart, Michelle Rodriguez

Yeah, I’m not feeling it like everybody else is. That trailer I saw before Paul was very good, but I’m still unsure about this one. Maybe it’s the crap name. Maybe it’s Michelle Rodriguez being typecast again. Maybe it’s because Ne-Yo is in this film. I think it’s down to whether this film is going to be able to walk the line between military jingoism (because humorous moments are in, apparently), patriotic “your country is all that stands between them and us” bullshit and sad “war is hell” ‘drama’. Oh, I remember now! It’s because it’s by the guy who did The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning and Darkness Falls! They f*cking sucked!

Fair Game (11th March)
Director: Doug Liman
Starring: Naomi Watts, Sean Penn

This is probably very good, but the trailer did not convince me in the slightest. So it’s getting a very childish, purile and unprofessional “it sucks!” from me.

Hall Pass (11th March)
Directors: The Farrelly Brothers
Starring: Owen Wilson, Jason Sudeikis, Stephen Merchant

Remember when The Farrelly Brothers made decent comedies that were actually funny? Yeah... those were the days. On a related note, what the hell is Stephen Merchant doing in this movie?! Is he using the Chris O’Dowd excuse of appearing in any old shit in the hope that it’ll raise his star power? Because that ain’t cutting it!

The Wiggles: Greatest Hits In The Round (12th March)
Starring: The Wiggles

Not only am I mentioning this just to fill time, but I’m also mentioning this because The Wiggles have been going for 20 YEARS THIS YEAR! Doesn’t that make you feel really, really old?

Chalet Girl (16th March)
Director: Phil Tralli
Starring: Felicity Jones, Bill Nighy, Bill Bailey

I was just going to provide you with the trailer for this and beg for you to stay away (this was trailed before The King’s Speech of all movies), but I genuinely can’t find it. Anywhere. I’ve spent five minutes looking for that piece of drek: 6 hours longer than I should’ve or wanted to. So just take my word for it: Stay away!

The Lincoln Lawyer (18th March)
Director: Brad Furman
Starring: Matthew McConaughey, Ryan Phillipe

Never heard of this before this feature, and I still don’t know or care much about it. I know that it’s based on a book and the author of the book really likes it. Look, this could or could not be good. It’s one of those movies I couldn’t care less about.

You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger (18th March)
Director: Woody Allen
Starring: Antonio Banderas, Josh Brolin, Anthony Hopkins

A star studded new Woody Allen comedy for all 17 of you who love star studded new Woody Allen comedies.

Country Strong (25th March)
Director: Shana Feste
Starring: Gwyneth Paltrow, Tim McGraw, Garrett Hedlund

Rorie digs it slightly, so who knows? I know I’ll be skipping it because, except for Johnny Cash, I’m not a fan of country music.

Faster (25th March)
Director: George Tillman, Jr.
Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Billy Bob Thornton

So it looks like The Rock does have a movie to promote after all! Gotta love how hypocritical wrestlers can be!

The Eagle (25th March)
Director: Kevin Macdonald
Starring: Channing Tatum, Jamie Bell, Donald Sutherland

From what I can gather, this is an American version of Ironclad which, coincidentally, is also coming out this month. So if you like period action movies about men in England swinging swords and covered in mud, this is totally y... What do you mean I’ve already done this joke?

Hop (1st April)
Director: Tim Hill
Starring: Russell Brand (voice), James Marsden, Kaley Cuoco

This could go any way. It’s directed by the man responsible for the first Alvin & The Chipmunks movie, but it’s also by the creators of Despicable Me. It’s live action/animated, but it’s also got a superb cast. It’s obviously a film aimed at kids, but Kaley Cuoco is supremely hot. Like I said, this could go either way. I won’t be finding out though, because I’m saving all of my pennies for the beautiful car wreck that may be...

Sucker Punch (1st April)
Director: Zack Snyder
Starring: Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone, Vanessa Hudgens

This has the potential to be a beautiful disaster. The trailers are completely awesome and got me pumped for a film in ways not too dissimilar to Scott Pilgrim last year. But it’s Zack’s first original work, hasn’t done well with test audiences (allegedly) and I still have no idea how the hell everything in the trailers is going to work in the movie. I really want this to be great, but there’s a niggling sensation in the back of my head that it’ll suck. If nothing else, it’ll have made a nice trailer.

That’s March (and April 1st) in British cinema! What films are you interested in and which do you think that I’ve missed off (probably none). As always, hit the comments below, follow me and I’ll see you back here next month!

2011 Is Not The Bieb's Year, And Other UK Box Office News

2011-02-23T20:49:00.001Z

Well it’s mostly good news when it comes to this week’s Box Office Report. Why? Because the Bieber failed to reach number one! In fact, it did absolutely pathetic. Especially for a new release film with 3D ticket prices! How bad? You can wait for that. Compare it with Paul, a movie released on the previous Monday. Even with the previous 4 days of gross removed it still kicked everybody’s arse, taking over £3 million over the weekend and sitting pretty at number one!

Elsewhere, True Grit managed to hold steady at number 4, despite all VUE’s in a 50 mile radius of me pulling the majority of their screenings (because...); The King’s Speech continued to earn enough money to fund a small island nation for a year and Black Swan makes a farewell appearance on the list. A fact I’d find sad, if it weren’t for the fact that it’s made tonnes of money and everybody who has seen it that I know loves it. A victory for quality cinema!

But with the good, comes the bad. The Fighter sadly departed our list this week, missing by just under £150,000. It’s not sad for the film’s quality (I haven’t seen it, so I can’t comment), but it’s sad because I had a tonne of awesome Christian Bale “Powerpuff Girls” remixes stored for every week it would stick around that I now can’t use! I had the auto-tuned version ready to go this week! But I guess you’ll never get to hear it now! Will you? WILL YOU?! You bastards!

If you’re a Belieber, I’d shield your eyes now. This full list is going to get messy.

UK Box Office Results: 18th February – 20th February

1] Paul
£3,209,335 / £5,517,121

As my review clearly demonstrates, I really liked Paul so I am very very happy for its success. The big question, then, is how long it will hold onto the number one spot. There is sod all of anything decent looking (aside from Drive Angry) coming out this week, so maybe there’s a chance people will flock and see this again. I hope so.

2] Gnomeo & Juliet
£2,223,978 / £6,373,301

My spell checker hates this movie with a fiery passion. Still amazed, mind you, that people are actually seeing the Disney knock off instead of the actual Disney film. What? Has everybody except me seen Tangled or something? Or is this film actually good? Answers on a postcard.

3] The King’s Speech
£1,685,180 / £37,127,599

So now I’ve explained why I’ve done an about face on this film, I’m going to stop moaning about this actually very good film. I’ll just let it pass by each week with no fuss. No, really.

4] True Grit
£1,466,979 / £4,558,297

So people are somehow still seeing this. You see, VUE Scunthorpe, people do want to watch this film! Now stop pretending that Justin Bieber is a big money maker, because it clearly isn’t!

5] Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son
£1,433,778 / NEW

A 30 second TV advert for this actually filled me with so much rage it took all that I could not to punch the nearest human being, which in this case was my mum. That’s how angry I was! It’s just black jokes, fat jokes and sexist jokes housed in one film and dressed up as family entertainment. Family entertainment! If you saw this, you are dead to me. If you took any members of your family to see this, you are worse than Hitler, Pol Pot and Stalin combined! You heard.

6] Yogi Bear
£1,370,585 / £3,862,364

Great British Public; I asked you to dispose of this tripe quickly! Not let it fester on this chart for another week!

7] Tangled
£1,295,709 / £15,347,419

Every single one of you parents who took your children to see Yogi Bear or Gnomeo & Juliet over this deserve to have your kids taken away from you. Oh yeah, I went there.

8] Just Go With It
£984,355 / £3,766,707

Yes, this really is happening. More people wanted to see Adam Sandler get hit in the junk than Justin Bieber being Justin Bieber. You may think that you are winning with this, but know this. As part of your act of defiance, you are giving Adam Sandler reason to make more movies. Now you don’t feel so high and mighty, do ya?

9] Justin Bieber: Never Say Never
£820,592 / NEW

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

10] Black Swan
£693,332 / £14,277,599

Well it’s had a great run, but it’s time to bid farewell to Black Swan. It’s been fun! And memorable. And mentally scarring. But let’s not get into that last part. This is, sadly, my last opportunity to remind you all that, yes, Natalie Portman really is pregnant. Did you know that before? Well you sure do now!

Dropped Out: The Fighter (farewell, Christian Bale meme), Never Let Me Go, James Cameron Presents: Sanctum

That's this week's list. Comment below, follow me and join me here every Wednesday for the latest UK Box Office Report!

jackanderson will be your surgeon, your proctor, your helicopter.

Screen One: Paul

2011-02-21T20:47:00.002Z

Film: Paul
Director: Greg Mottola
Written By: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost
Distributor: Universal Pictures
Run Time: 1 hour 44 minutes
Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Kristen Wigg, Jason Bateman, Seth Rogan

Paul is a sci-fi comedy written by and starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost as two friends on a tour of the US when they stumble across a smoking, drug taking, swearing, lewd and rude alien voiced by Seth Rogan. He’s attempting to get back to his home world whilst being chased by an FBI agent played by Jason Bateman whose superior is Sigourney Weaver. Along the way they run into a mad, one eyed Christian played by Kristin Wigg who joins the trio and send up almost every single sci-fi cliché and popular sci-fi film in the book.

On paper then, Paul should be perfect. A comedy on the level of Shaun Of The Dead or Hot Fuzz (the previous two films that the pair starred in which were also co-written and directed by Edgar Wright, who is MIA for this one). In practice, there is good and bad news. The bad news is that it is most certainly no Shaun Of The Dead or Hot Fuzz. There are far too many issues with the film for it to be as good as those. But the good news is that Paul is a very funny comedy, possibly the funniest I’ve watched since Scott Pilgrim (although, please note, this is nowhere near as funny as that masterwork).

Down on the acting front, it’s mostly great. Pegg and Frost are basically playing the same lovable nerdy best friends that they always do, but they are still great in those roles and it does frequently look like they’re having lots of fun. Kristen Wigg continues to prove why she is the fastest rising star in comedy as, after her absolutely brilliant role in the underrated MacGruber, she displays impeccable comic timing and gets quite a lot of the best lines. Whilst Seth Rogan is superb as Paul, bringing a nice sarcastic edge to the alien that reminded me why I liked him so much in Knocked Up.

It’s not all great news when it comes to the stars, though. There’s nothing wrong with the actual acting, everybody gives it their all and everybody gets at least a funny line, it’s instead some of the casting. There is some colossal wastage of talent going on in this movie. Prime example: Jason Bateman. The man, if any of you have seen Arrested Development can attest to, is absolutely freakin’ hilarious. Unfortunately, his role is that of a tough, no-nonsense Jack Bauer-type FBI agent and he is very rarely given a chance to be funny, with the film expecting you to buy him as a tough, no-nonsense Jack Bauer-type which I just can’t do.

Also wasted: Sigourney Weaver who, whilst funny when she appears, gets bugger all to do. And whilst the cameos from Jane Lynch and Jeffery Tambor are great, that’s all they are and it really made me wish those two were in more movies. So whilst everybody is great in Paul, and most are really funny, some very poor (and some inexcusable) wastage of talent is evident here. At least Paul himself looks great with the CGI work doing a fantastic job of making him look convincing and not too out of place in the world of the movie.

But Paul is primarily a comedy, so all of the great performances and CG is for nought if the film isn’t the least bit funny. Well I’m happy to report that the film is mostly very funny. It’s certainly nowhere near as subtle as the other genre send-ups like Shaun… and Hot Fuzz, with the references mostly being bludgeoned into your face (“Get away from her you bitch”? Wonder where I’ve heard that one before?) and the film frequently going for swearword gags. However, I’d be lying if I told you that I wasn’t spending the majority of the run time in hysterics. You see; Paul swings hard a lot so when it misses, it’s noticeable. But when it hits, and it does so frequently, it hits it out of the ball park. One particularly funny moment involves a recreation of the famous Gorn fight from Star Trek. Plus, there’s some very creative swearing that actually made me laugh loads.

The script does feature a bit of flab, though. The film starts up a debate about Creationism vs. Evolution that it then abandons after about two minutes, and before that treats it about as well as a McDonalds cattle raising farm. It feels really out of place and it’s not really that necessary. Also, the romantic sub plot between Pegg and Wigg is really awkward and pointless. Unless that’s meant to be the joke, in which case, well played.

So yeah; there’s some colossal misuse of stellar actors, some unnecessary plot lines and it’s about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the skull, but, dammit, Paul is damn funny! When you stop comparing Paul to Shaun… and Hot Fuzz, it stands much better. It’s a very funny movie with great comedic talent turning in great performances with a great script to back them up along with some of the most creative swearing I’ve heard since In The Loop (yes, that really is a selling point). If you’ve seen Pegg & Frost’s previous comedies, temper your expectations heading in and you’ll find it very enjoyable. Otherwise, get yourself down to the cinema and see Paul.

If I was a hack reviewer looking to end on a pun, I’d say that Paul is “a hilarious comedy that’s out of this world”. But I’m not. So I’m just simply going to recommend you go and see Paul ASAP.

4 out of 5.

Bonus Picture: Why The King's Speech Does Not Deserve Best Picture

2011-02-18T21:09:00.001Z

Here's a story that my guitar teacher recently told me (he's wise like Obi-Wan Lebowski!). Several years before the film was made, the writer of The King's Speech, David Seidler, contacted the Queen Mother to ask for her permission to make a film about her husband, King George VI. She asked him not to in her life time and Seidler decided to abandon the project. Only to return to it years later after she had passed away and then make it. Compare this to The Social Network, Mark Zuckerberg said, and I quote, "I just wished that nobody made a movie of me while I was still alive." And then they went ahead and made the movie anyway.

"And that", his reasoning concluded, "is why The King's Speech will win Best Picture at the Oscars!"

OK, it's probably not as comical a reason as that, but it is true. The King's Speech is going to win Best Picture at the Oscars. If you have money on anybody else, you're one of three things. 1] A naive young fool who truly believes that the best films will actually win Best Picture. 2] You're an idiot with money to burn. 3] You have insider knowledge that I'm not aware of (and if that's the case, why not slip a little bit of info Zoidberg's way, hmm?). It's already cleaned up at the BAFTAs, it seems made specifically to win Oscars, and, hell, I remember a time long ago when I called the movie "a fantastic gem".

Here's the thing, though. The King's Speech does not deserve Best Picture.

Don't get me wrong here. I'm not calling the film bad. Nor am I saying that it doesn't deserve all of the awards that it is getting or is going to get. On the contrary, it's a very good film and some of the awards that it's getting or is going to get, especially the Best Actor gongs, are very much certainly deserved. I'm just saying that in no way does the film deserve to take Best Picture over the other nominees.

My reasoning is this: for a film to take Best Picture, I expect all of the elements to be exceptional. I expect that the entire film is completely superb and that the film has no one stand out element. I expect that everything, from the acting to the directing to the music, will be of the highest quality and that if you took one piece away; the film would still be incredible. Best Picture should go to the movies that are like this.

The problem with The King's Speech is that it is an average and forgettable movie elevated into being a great and memorable movie thanks to some world class and world beating acting. If this film was only decently acted or worse, then it would merely have been a solid period drama with nothing new or interesting to make it worth your time. It would merely have been the same feel good biopic about monarchy that you've seen a hundred times ever since The Queen became a runaway success. It's got a decent and interesting but not really engaging script, workman-like direction and one of the most forgettable soundtracks I've heard in the last 5 years (maybe I'm just super pissed that Daft Punk were snubbed a Best Original Soundtrack nomination, sue me). Those are not really the sort of things that I'd expect in a Best Picture movie.

Meanwhile, look at the other nominees. Just about any of them is more qualified for the award than The King's Speech. In fact, out of that list of non-King's Speech nominees, I've seen 5 of those movies (6 if VUE decide to be nice and show True Grit again at some point). All of them are sensational, all of them are worthy nominees and all of them got 5 stars from me (believe it or not, but I don’t had out 5 stars like free cereal box tokens). 127 Hours is a brilliant exercise in conquering the unfilmable which may have a fantastic performance (in the shape of the truly fantastic James Franco), but it also has a tight ass script, some superb direction and brings us something that a lot of us have probably never seen before. Similarly, Black Swan has some fantastic performances (in the shapes of the mesmeric Natalie Portman, the sublime Vincent Cassel and the stunning Barbara Hershey) but it also has excellent writing, supreme direction and brings something that, at least I, haven’t seen before.

Inception is the definition of the Best Picture movie with just plain exceptional everything that would still be great even if you removed any element. Whilst Toy Story 3 is the definition of the perfect film (and if anybody feels like saying that that film is crap, please forward your address and sleep with a gun under your pillow). And then there’s The King’s Speech’s closest competitor, The Social Network. Technically, it’s a period piece (in that it attempts to capture the mood of the early 00’s) biopic like The King’s Speech. It also has fantastic acting. But that acting is not the lone cog working in the film’s machine. It’s backed up by a crackerjack script, absurdly brilliant and competent direction and is innovative in ways that most may balk at.

Having not seen The Fighter, Winter’s Bone, True Grit or The Kids Are All Right (you can’t blame me for that last one, nowhere was showing it); I can’t comment on them. But I do suspect that they are roughly the same sort of movies as those previously mentioned. The fact is that all of these films are more worthy Best Picture winners than The King’s Speech seeing as all of their elements are great or better, not just one. And if there was any justice then that would be the case.

But it won’t be. Why? Well, for that, I’m going to turn you over to The Escapist’s Moviebob who can explain it better than I can. It may be for 2008 and it may spend a while going on about The Dark Knight being snubbed (still an inexcusable mistake that Oscar made, in my opinion), but it’s still relevant as to why Oscar won’t give it to anybody else. And when you’re finished there, check out his take on these proceedings for extra knowledge and insight.

So it turns out my guitar tutor is right after all. Just not in the way he possibly intended.

Addendum: For those of you wondering what order I would hand out Best Picture to the films I’ve seen, here it is.

1] Toy Story 3
2] Inception
3] Black Swan OR The Social Network (I genuinely cannot decide)
4] 127 Hours
5] The King’s Speech

Those are my reasonings. I have a feeling that I'm going to get some flack for this, but nevertheless, I want to hear your opinions. Do you agree that, whilst it is a good film, The King's Speech is vastly overrated? Or do you disagree and think that it's a fantastic film that fully deserves everything it's getting? Or do you disagree and think that The King's Speech sucks? Throw your comments below, follow me and debate to your heart's content!

jackanderson is COMING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN!!

Disney Knock-Off Knocks Disney Off, And Other UK Box Office News

2011-02-16T17:13:00.004Z

OK, so I was proven completely wrong this week. You see, last week, I was worried about how much Yogi Bear was going to cut into Tangled’s totals, whilst simultaneously writing off Gnomeo & Juliet’s chances of even dinting the upper echelons of the list. And then, this week, it’s Gnomeo & Juliet that cleans house with a total of nearly £3 million! Seriously? H…? W…? Words fail me.

In other, continually shocking, news; this weekend was a record breaker, with 8 films managing to break the £1 million barrier for weekend gross! This is absolutely incredible! More feigned excitement! Another exclamatory sentence! What does this mean to the list? Well, it means that single movie totals are down as the indecisive pillocks flip flopped between movies with very little regard for quality. (Indecisive pillocks, here’s some advice: Pick the films that are either made by Disney, are a western, about ballet or about boxing!)

This means that the army of new releases (and dear lord, do I mean army) dominate the chart to various degrees, with the OK looking Never Let Me Go bringing up the rear as one of two films not to break the £1 million barrier. But in the “Hahahaha!” school of news, James Cameron Presents: Sanctum (if the UK Film Council says that it is called that, it must be true!) dropped to the bottom of the list, made sod all money and will almost certainly drop off next week! Ha! Also in “Hahahaha!” news, Gulliver’s Travels finally, mercifully, dropped out of the list. Unfortunately, the damn film still made a profit (mostly thanks to us Brits); so expect “Gulliver’s Travels 2: Look! Jack Black’s Now Tiny! That’s HILLARIOUS!” to clog up your cinema like a cancer come Christmas of 2012!

If ya smell… what the full list… is cooking! Yeah, I’m sorry. I just really wanted to say that FINALLY… THE ROCK… HAS COME BACK… TO RAW!

UK Box Office Results: 11th February – 13th February

1] Gnomeo & Juliet (3D)
£2,945,627 / NEW

You know that faith in humanity that I gained when The Fighter beat James Cameron Presents: Sanctum last week? Yeah. That’s gone again. I’m back to being a cynical, heartless bastard of an amateur amateur film critic. Yay!

2] The King’s Speech
£1,986,871 / £33,740,153

I promise (promise!) that I will get that blog about why this doesn’t deserve Best Picture up either Thursday or Friday. It’s been a hectic, confusing and irritating week with technology for me (not least due to my loss of my Mass Effect 2 data! Nearly 20 hours of my life, gone!) so do bear with. Come the next two days, I’ll explain why I’ve done an about face with this movie.

3] Tangled
£1,969,148 / £13,434,176

So it really was the Disney knock-off that shunted this down after all. I need to get better at this crystal ball business. Again, probably won’t see it in cinemas, but I will see it eventually. If it’s as good as everyone says it is, then expect it in my end of year lists. And not just because of Zachery Levi!

4] True Grit
£1,823,254 / NEW

Thursday is the day. That’s the day that I will trek to my local VUE cinemas and see the Coen Brothers doing a western with Jeff Bridges and Matt Damon. It has to be the day. No, really, it has to be. After Thursday, my local VUE is only showing it at 9:15pm. You’d think that there’s something big coming out Friday or something.

5] Yogi Bear
£1,820,405 / NEW

You know that faith in humanity I lost due to Gnomeo & Juliet being number one about 5 minutes ago? Yeah. It’s totally been restored thanks to this news. Well done everybody! Now let’s try and dispose of this tripe as quickly as humanly possible.

6] Just Go With It
£1,628,265 / NEW

I like to think of this as the public’s retribution for Grown Ups being such a piece of complete and total shite. Thanks, UK public! Now, please, don’t let Justin Beiber get to number one next week! I’m actually on my knees, physically begging to you right now! Don’t let it happen!

7] Black Swan
£1,069,931 / £12,779,283

I am saddened by this movie’s drop down the list. What? Not all of my commentary can be winners!

8] The Fighter
£1,002,454 / £4,078,696

As a treat for you, the UK cinema going public; every week that you keep The Fighter in the list, I will gift you a new version of Christian Bale singing the Powerpuff Girls theme tune! Because, if Chris Moyles has taught me anything, it’s that if something is funny the first time, it’ll still be hilarious the 902nd time! This week: the remix! Next week: the auto-tuned version!

9] Never Let Me Go
£625,496 / NEW

I am sort of saddened by its disappointing performance, but I’m still not sure what to think about it. Specifically, the trailer for this made it look like arse. But the cast are superb and it’s written by Alex Garland. So, who knows if it’s any good? Not most of the British public, that’s who!

10] James Cameron Presents: Sanctum
£361,832 / £1,667,443

This diving disaster movie has sunk to new depths. BOOM! ZING MOTHERF*CKERS!! I’M OUT! (drops mic, feedback, angry booing)

Dropped Out: The Mechanic, A Little Bit Of Heaven, Gulliver’s Travels, Brighton Rock, The Green Hornet

That's this week's list! Comment below, follow me and join me here every Wednesday for the latest UK Box Office Report!

jackanderson wants to tell you there's a really good reason why he came home wasted in the middle of the night.

Bonus Picture: 2011 BAFTA Results Breakdown

2011-02-14T15:19:00.003Z

So last night was the 2011 BAFTAs and a few hours before the awards were announced I posted my picks and predictions and, I don’t wanna toot my own horn, but I was right! 58.3% of the time! Anyways, I cuddled up on the sofa with air (good old, dependable air!) and tuned into the actual ceremony.

“Here’s how tonight is going to work. I’ll announce the award category, somebody attractive and famous will come up and introduce the award, we’ll look at the nominees, and then a member of the cast or crew of The King’s Speech will come up and collect the award.” – Jonathon Ross.

Turns out good old Wossy wasn’t far off, after all. The King’s Speech annihilated everybody, everybody, with a total of 7 award victories. For comparisons sake, the two more deserving winners of awards (The Social Network and Inception) both walked away with 3 awards each. Something of note, however, is that two of Inception’s awards (and one of The Social Network’s) came after the actual ceremony finished and they did the quick round up. So two of those awards (Sound and Production Design) apparently mean jack shit. Nevertheless, here comes the full and clearly opinionated run down.

Best Film
Winner: The King’s Speech

Were you really expecting anything else? The King’s Speech is a movie that has been specifically engineered to win awards like this. Whilst this might be true, it still saddens me that the BAFTA voting committee couldn’t overlook it and give the award to somebody who deserved it more. Especially when this film also won another single specific film award later on.

Best Actor
Winner: Colin Firth (The King’s Speech)

Look, this is the one award that the film absolutely deserved to win. But by this point in the evening, The King’s Speech had won so many awards; I found it so hard to care. I really don’t want to take anything away from the man (Colin Firth really is absolutely sensational in that film), but I greeted the win with large indifference. Sorry.

Best Actress
Winner: Natalie Portman (Black Swan)

So Natalie Portman was unable to turn up. But, as Darren Aronofsky appeared to be under hypnosis to inform us, it’s because she’s pregnant and can’t travel! So if you had money on her reminding us that she’s pregnant, you are owed big time, my wise friend!

Best Director
Winner: David Fincher (The Social Network)

The Social Network’s big consolation prize (Best Adapted Screenplay was all sewn up, anyway), I was also right in my prediction that whoever lost this out of Tom Hooper and David Fincher would go on to win Best Film. I am God!

Best Supporting Actor
Winner: Geoffrey Rush (The King’s Speech)

Well, this was a bit of a shock. And I thought that BAFTA would’ve been all about the posthumous award for Pete Postlethwaite, but it seems that dying doesn’t have the same influence nowadays as it used to. And I suppose we should’ve known that Christian Bale wasn’t going to win when he didn’t show up. Nevertheless, I’m not taking anything away from Geoffrey Rush. He was fantastic in The King’s Speech, so it’s nice to see him get some recognition.

Best Supporting Actress
Winner: Helena Bonham Carter (The King’s Speech)

Again, not too fussed about this. Seeing how criminally underused she was in Harry Potter (and, despite how fantastic she was, how much Alice In Wonderland suuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked), I can safely say that her work in The King’s Speech is the best that she’s been in a long time. She may have had the second longest acceptance speech of the evening, but she bloody well had the most entertaining! So, you know what? I’m happy with her winning.

“(upon Helena Bonham Carter finishing) And that’s all we have time for tonight, folks!” – Jonathon Ross.

Best Original Screenplay
Winner: David Seidler (The King’s Speech)

I really, genuinely thought that this was going to be Inception’s consolation prize, but I really have underestimated the power of The King’s Speech. Moral of the story then: A film with extremely predictable and workmanlike writing will obviously win out over smart, sophisticated and original writing as long as it is British and based on a real event involving our monarchy! Actually, quick question. How can films based on true events, but not on any book, be classed for Best Original Screenplay when they aren’t original ideas?

Best Adapted Screenplay
Winner: Aaron Sorkin (The Social Network)

It was sewn up, but he still deserves it. Well done, Sorkin!

Best Music
Winner: Alexandre Desplat (The King’s Speech)

I’m still pissed off that Daft Punk weren’t even nominated, but Alexandre Desplat winning for his extremely generic and forgettable score over Hans Zimmer’s unique and memorable score for Inception is inexcusable. F*ck you BAFTA!

“(after Colin Firth received a standing ovation) Controversial winner, there.” – Jonathon Ross.

Best Special Visual Effects
Winner: Inception

To those of you who were looking forward to me eating my own shoe, I say...
Inception won something! Great! And it’s a triumph for films with mostly practical effects! Even better! I don’t have to eat my shoe! This is absolutely fantastic!

Outstanding British Film
Winner: The King’s Speech

*moutfart* So Danny Boyle was completely snubbed. Urgh! Chris Morris won Outstanding Debut By A British Director/Writer/Producer, so Four Lions not winning isn’t that big a deal. But The King’s Speech winning this and Best Picture is just greedy and shows how little risk that the BAFTAs are willing to take when it comes to picking winners.

The Orange Rising Star Award
Winner: Tom Hardy

Well this is a pleasant surprise! And chosen by the public, no less! Tom Hardy has been on fire for the last few years and he deserves absolutely everything that is coming to him. Except Rorie; who, I have just been informed, is currently sprinting to Hardy’s house of residence in his custom made Emma Stone pyjamas, wielding a shotgun and screaming death curses at the man. So, Tom, if you’re reading this, watch your back.

Well, those are all of the important awards that I listed my predictions for. I’m really not happy about a lot of these, but the Oscars are just around the corner! Will they right some of the unforgivable wrongs that BAFTA perpetrated? Will they balls. Comment on the BAFTAs underneath, share your favourite moments and follow me!

Bonus Picture: My 2011 BAFTA Picks (And, Consequently, My Oscar Picks)

2011-02-13T17:38:00.002Z

We have one last stop on the Film Awards Train before we get to the Oscars and it’s tonight's BAFTA ceremony. The British equivalent of the Oscars, in recent years, they have handed out roughly the same awards to the same movies, actors and what have you that the Oscars do. So this is a really good indication of which films are going to pick up the big awards at the big do in a couple of weeks. So, lets do some intelligent guesswork and try and determine who is going to win. And I’ll also divulge to you who I’d like to win if we lived in a perfect world.

Best Film
Who I’d Like To Win: I’ve seen 4 out of 5 of the movies on this list (I’ll be seeing True Grit ASAP), so I think I’m in the best position in my entire life, throughout all of the years I’ve been watching award shows, to qualify who should win and who will win. So who would I like to win? Gah! It’s like trying to pick between your own children! Erm... it’s gotta be Inception! No! The Social Network was my favourite! No! Black Swan! No! Inception! Ah! I can’t decide! Any of these three (and possibly True Grit) are more than qualified to take the title. They are all that good!

Who Will Actually Win: The King’s Speech, duh! It doesn’t deserve to (I promise that a blog will be up on Tuesday to explain my argument) but it will. The closest rival is The Social Network, but this being jolly old England, we are going to give it to the British film anyway. Sigh.

Best Actor
Who I’d Like To Win: Colin Firth, without a doubt. This is the one award that The King’s Speech is guaranteed and absolutely deserves. Firth was a revelation in that movie and him and Geoffrey Rush single-handedly made that film great.

Who Will Actually Win: Colin Firth. If you have money on anybody else, you’re an idiot.

Best Actress
Who I’d Like To Win: Natalie Portman. For Black Swan. That is all.

Who Will Actually Win: Natalie Portman. For Black Swan. You probably wouldn’t be far off, as well, if you also bet money on her taking time out of her acceptance speech to remind us that, yes, she really is pregnant.

Best Director
Who I’d Like To Win: Christopher Nolan for Inception. Inception is the definition of a director’s movie, and, seeing as Inception is going to get snubbed for pretty much everything else, this’d be a chance to right the severe wrong committed by Oscar and finally allow us to refer to Nolan as an “award winning director”. Failing that, I’ll take either Darren Aronofsky, David Fincher or Danny Boyle.

Who Will Actually Win: It’s a toss up. It’s, sadly, not going to go to Christopher Nolan, no matter how much the internet begs. So it’s between David Fincher and Tom Hooper. You’ll notice that I left Hooper out of my list of peoples I’d like to win, but that’s a story for Tuesday. Something to think about, though: It’s most likely that whichever of those two loses this will go on to win Best Picture.

Best Supporting Actor
Who I’d Like To Win: This is one of the upcoming lists where I haven't seen enough of the films involved to make a decent enough stab in the dark. Having only seen The Social Network and The King's Speech, I'd personally like to see Andrew Garfield walk away with it most. Though he won''t, because it's sewn up for...

Who Will Actually Win: Pete Postlethwaite for The Town! Oh, I'm sorry. You were expecting someone else? Someone who is practically guaranteed an Oscar for his apparently world shattering turn in a David O. Russell movie about a boxer and whose name escapes me? Yeah, well, you are overestimating the BAFTA board, my naïve young friend. You see, Pete Postlethwaite was a legendary British actor who has an OBE and who passed away from leukaemia in January. This gives BAFTA the opportunity to give him a proper send off and make a tribute to the man's life. So Postlethwaite gets it, but if I'm wrong it's Christian Bale.

Best Supporting Actress
Who I'd Like To Win: Again, haven't seen many of the films nominated in this list. But Barbara Hershey in Black Swan was absolutely brilliant. Sorry Helena Bonham Carter, but she's my pick.

Who Will Actually Win: Truthfully? Haven't got a clue. What I can almost certainly tell you, is that it won't be Amy Adams or Barbara Hershey for they are in American movies. And this is a British awards ceremony! And there are three British films up for nominations (The King's Speech, Made In Dagenham and Another Year). Somehow I see our British bias kicking in and somebody from one of those films taking it.

Best Original Screenplay
Who I'd Like To Win: As much as I loved Black Swan, I feel Inception was the better told movie with the better story. So, I'm backing Christopher Nolan to the end, here.

Who Will Actually Win: I see Nolan getting the award for Inception here, as a consolation prize for being snubbed in everything else in the ceremony. Don't worry, Chris! You don't need awards to know how great you are! Just as long as The Dark Knight Rises doesn't suck, we'll love you forever!

Best Adapted Screenplay
Who I'd Like To Win: Whilst I love Toy Story 3 like most mothers love their children, it'd be foolish of me to deny Aaron Sorkin any praise for the fantabulous The Social Network. The man made The West Wing and Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip! They both ruled!

Who Will Actually Win: Aaron Sorkin and quite rightly so.

Best Music
Who I'd Like To Win: What d'ya mean Daft Punk weren't nominated?! You're trying to tell me that the very best original soundtrack of last year, possibly of the last 10 years, wasn't even considered?! F*ck you! I don't care who wins! I just wanted the ability to have to explain to my bewildered family why the Power Rangers were in the audience! Is that too much to ask?! Oh well, at least Clive Mansell is up for Black Sw...

Seriously.

F*ck you.

Who Will Actually Win: No Daft Punk = me not caring.

Best Special Visual Effects
Who I'd Like To Win: OK, this is becoming an absolute joke, now. No Tron: Legacy? Not even a slight mention for the film that looks decades ahead of everything else on the market? And Alice In Wonderland, a film with the visual effects of a cat vomiting into a bag made of shit, is now an award nominated film? Come the f*ck on people! (goes off on 5 minute rant to self. Returns significantly calmed down) OK. After careful deliberation (and disqualifying Toy Story 3 for being an animated film instead of a live action film with special effects), I'm fine with either Black Swan or Inception taking it.

Who Will Actually Win: No idea on this one either. But if it goes to Alice In Wonderland, I will upload a video of me eating my own shoe in protest! I'm not sure what it'll achieve, but I'll do so anyway!

Outstanding British Film
Who I'd Like To Win: Skipping the Outstanding Debut By A British Director (due to me not really caring and the majority of the nominees being the same as in this category), I would absolutely love to see 127 Hours walk away with the prize here. Danny Boyle finally bested Trainspotting, his previous best, and he deserves to be recognised for it. Behind that, Four Lions should win, although I really still need to get around to seeing that.

Who Will Actually Win: You see that list? You see how The King's Speech is nominated? Yeah... I'll be fine with this, though, as long as this means that it won't take Best Picture. Otherwise, *mouthfart*.

I am 16 years old.

Orange Rising Star Award
Who I'd Like To Win: Whilst Andrew Garfield has been on fire these past couple of years, I'd like to stay on Rorie's good side. So it's Emma Stone all of the way for me! You can put the shotgun away now, Rorie.

Who Will Actually Win: I haven't got the foggiest. Why? Because this is voted by the public. And we all know how good judges of taste the public are.

So there's my picks and predictions. Most of these should also carry over to the Oscars at the end of the month, so cut 'em out and stick 'em some place safe for future reference. Think I've got any wrong? Wanna toss in your own predictions? You can! Just hit up the comments below and shout your predictions at me. Why not also take the time out to follow me?

I'll be back tomorrow (maybe) with a round up opinion on all of the big winners and losers! And if you want to see the full list of nominees, you can check them all out here (don't worry, it goes to wikipedia!).

Nothing Much Changes, And Other UK Box Office News

2011-02-09T20:26:00.003Z

Seeing as the weekend contained no really noticeable releases, it’s not that shocking to discover that this week’s list looks suspiciously like last weeks. Tangled effortlessly held onto the number one slot with over £4.5 million and The King’s Speech continued to hold firm at number 2 with over £2.5 million. Kind of to be expected for the next couple of weeks, so it’ll be the bottom end of the list we’re more interested in.

Further reaffirming my faith in humanity, more people chose to see quality cinema (The Fighter) than over blown 3D tripe (Sanctum). The Fighter debuted in 3rd place with just over £2 million whilst James Cameron Presents: Sanctum (no, really, that’s how the UK Film Council lists it) barely scraped £800,000. I’d like to see The Fighter (God knows I love me some Christian Bale), but I’m already seeing a total of 4 films this month (Black Swan and The King’s Speech, True Grit and Paul) so I’m kind of backed up. Whilst Sanctum... why don’t we just pretend that that film doesn’t exist and move on.

In fact, out of the top 5, it’s a pretty miserable week. The Mechanic is still failing to put butts in seats (despite assurances from one of my friends that it is actually pretty damn good), a film that I’ve never heard of called A Little Bit Of Heaven made a little bit of money, people skipped Rabbit Hole (and from what I’ve heard, that’s for the best) as it languished in 20th and we have the outcome of the Gulliver’s Travels/127 Hours grudge match.

Sweet holy Jesus! It’s the full list!

UK Box Office Results: 4th February – 6th February

1] Tangled
£4,569,135 / £10,742,265

Now here’s the £10 million question: How much will Yogi Bear cut into this film’s profits next weekend? I’m not too worried about Gnomeo & Juliet for this one reason: Why see a Disney knock off when an actual honest to goodness Disney movie is in cinemas RIGHT NOW? But Yogi Bear... I’m worried that parents are going to get nostalgic on the brand of Yogi Bear, get suckered in and drag their children along for almost 90 unbearable torturous minutes during which more damage is done to the brand than a Yogi Bear sex tape. We shall see this time next week...

2] The King’s Speech
£2,739,204 / £30,014,606

Saw this over the weekend and... yeah. It’s good. But I do think that it coasts by on its fantabulous acting, knowing that, if it wasn’t for the acting, it’s not great. But what acting! I stand by each of those 4 stars, but don’t expect it to either be on my end of year list or for me to be backing it at all of the award ceremonies. Glad to see it make money, though.

3] The Fighter
£2,118,140 / NEW

Christian Bale singing The Powerpuff Girls theme is still one of the most simultaneously funny and weird things I’ve seen all year.

4] Black Swan
£1,725,630 / £10,648,346

Saw this over the weekend too and... yeah. I absolutely love it to death. If anything, this is going to cause me to search out Aronofsky’s other works for comparisons sake. It’s between this, 127 Hours, Inception and The Social Network for film I want most to take Best Picture That Is Not Toy Story 3.

5] James Cameron Presents: Sanctum
£859,064 / NEW

Dear lord, this has bombed badly. If it didn’t stink so much, I’d almost pity it.

6] The Mechanic
£532,839 / £1,937,124

A friend of mine saw this instead of Black Swan this weekend and said that it’s actually pretty good. From what I’ve seen, it’s basically a Jason Statham movie. That can’t be that bad, right?

7] A Little Bit Of Heaven
£443,156 / NEW

I’ve done some research and I still have no f*cking clue what this movie is about. Anybody know anything about it? Someone? Anyone?

8] Gulliver’s Travels
£396,804 / £14,966,663

Well, congratulations, folks! You decided you’d all rather watch Jack Black fat jokes again (in THREEEE DEEEEEEEEE!) than Danny Boyle’s latest masterpiece! I hope you’re all proud of yourselves!

9] Brighton Rock
£352,815 / NEW

Nice to see some people hold up the Andy Serkis pledge. I have nothing else of worth or note to add here.

10] The Green Hornet
£302,240 / £5,421,912

Farewell, Green Hornet! We all barely knew ye. Nor did we care.

Dropped Out: The Dilemma, Hereafter, 127 Hours (you bastards!), How Do You Know (that is definitely not making its budget back now).

That's this week's list. Comment below, follow me and join me here every Tuesday or Wednesday for the latest UK Box Office Report!

jackanderson has the worst f*cking attorneys.

Screen One: Black Swan

2011-02-06T19:42:00.002Z

Film: Black Swan
Director: Darren Aronofsky
Written By: Mark Heyman, Andres Heinz, John McLaughlin (Screenplay) Andres Heinz (Story)
Distributer: Fox Searchlight
Run Time: 1 hour 48 minutes
Starring: Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis, Vincent Cassel

Disclaimer: The following review is written by somebody who is not generally a fan of horror movies (due to being a bit of a wuss) and has not seen many horror movies. Some of the following comments, therefore, may appear, in the eyes of the reader, slightly hyperbolic. It is advised to take all following comments with a pinch of salt.

I am about to attempt the task of putting my feelings of Black Swan into words. This is a challenge, however, because words can’t really do justice to exactly how I felt watching this movie. This was one of those rare films where I walk out not just feeling satisfied. I come out feeling ecstatic, elated; thanking the heavens that I paid for a ticket to sit down and watch this particular movie and not any other (other such examples include Scott Pilgrim vs. The World and District 9; my films of the year for 2010 and 2009 respectively). To put it simply: Black Swan is absolutely f*cking fantastic!

Nina Sayers (Portman) is a ballerina who has just been cast in the lead role of the ballet Swan Lake. She can perform the sweet and innocent White Swan to a tee, but she can’t quite nail the sexy and darkly sensual Black Swan, much to the chagrin of the ballet’s director (Cassel). However, a rival dancer, Lily (Kunis), is capable of playing the Black Swan. This causes Nina to worry that her position is being threatened and slowly starts to go insane.

A lot of the praise for this film has been directed at Natalie Portman for her role as Nina. In one of the rare cases of critics not being wrong, this is absolutely deserved. Portman is stunning, completely and utterly nailing an insecure ballet dancer who simply wants to be perfect whilst being terrified of losing her new found status as a leading lady. Everything from the voice to the dancing to the reactions of her hallucinations is carefully thought about and controlled, totally fitting her character. Portman is going to win that Best Actress Oscar and she completely deserves it.

A performance of Natalie Portman’s could’ve lead to a King’s Speech situation where the leading actress (or actors, in that film’s case) steals the thunder and makes everybody else look a bit rubbish. Thankfully, this is not the case. Mila Kunis (a.k.a. Meg from Family Guy) continues to prove why she is one of the best upcoming actresses in the industry, with a spellbinding turn as the sensuous bad girl Lily. Vincent Cassel is reliably excellent. And Barbara Hershey is phenomenal as Nina’s pushy and controlling mother. Also, Winona Ryder is in this! It’s always nice to see her in films isn’t it?

I am going to talk about Aronofsky’s fantastic direction (spoiler: it’s fantastic), but I’m firstly going to talk about the camera work. No, really. I have not seen a film in recent memory where I’ve been as in awe of the camera work as I was here. The reason why is for just how close the camera stays to the action. There are almost no long shots or wide shots in this film; preferring instead to keep the camera as close to the action as possible. This helps add to the suffocating atmosphere that perpetuates the film and also keeps the action on screen intimate and intoxicating.

Now, for the direction. It’s fantastic. My main reason is because of how intense the film is (I would like to apologise in advance right now for my upcoming abusage of the word “intense”). When the film proper kicks into gear (which is approximately 20 minutes in when Nina gets the part), it switches from a drama about ballet into a psychological thriller about being at the top and striving for perfection. However, unlike most of these sorts of films that I’ve seen, Black Swan doesn’t ramp up the tension through cheap jump scares. It does so through the atmosphere.

Aronofsky almost never lets the audience relax. Every time you think you’re safe, he throws another creepy line or strange character response or unsettling hallucination to keep you on your toes. The sense of the weird and the sense of the strange pervades through every single minute of the movie and this keeps the intensity at a constant high. There are still jump scares, of course, but instead of being used to artificially raise the tension, they just compliment it instead. After all, there’s only so long you can keep the audience thinking something terrifying is going to happen without delivering on it.

If I could’ve gotten away with it, this review would have just bought a ticket for this film for you and forced you to watch it. Putting Black Swan into words is just so hard. Not just because of how great it is, but also because of how hard it is to talk about it without spoiling one of the best, weirdest and most intense third acts I have ever seen. It ramps up everything, goes completely off the rails and climaxes by posing the question “How far can a performer go for their art before it consumes them?”

To put it simply; if you are a fan of quality cinema in any way shape or form, you need to see Black Swan. See it for the wonderful direction. See it for the beautiful cinematography. See it for the excellent music. See it for the actress finally living up to her potential. See it for a psychological thriller/horror that places atmosphere over cheap jump scares. See it for the third act that goes places you would never even dream of. See it for THAT scene, if you have to (you know what I’m talking about). Just, whatever you do, see Black Swan!

5 out of 5.

WWE Royal Rumble 2011 Recap Review

2011-02-05T16:04:00.003Z

Welcome to the Official Unofficial Opinionated WWE Royal Rumble 2011 Recap Review! And we are now truly on the road to WrestleMania in what is quite literally the BIGGEST ROYAL RUMBLE IN HISTORY! With 40 SUPERSTARS, the chances of them winning have DECREASED SIGNIFICANTLY! Who will be the NUMBER 40 PARTICIPANT? WHO WILL BE THE DREADED NUMBER 1 PARTICIPANT? WILL KANE TOPPLE HIS RECORD? WHO WILL GO TO WRESTLEMANIA WITH A 70% CHANCE OF WINNING THE TITLE? WHO? WILL? WIN?!!!

Look, during this period, the WWE loves to trot out the statistics and attempt to fuel speculation that ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN! It’s tradition. We wrestling fans accept it. But apparently, those statistics weren’t getting enough butts in sofas at home this year, so they raised the wrestler cap from 30 to 40 in an effort to drum up more interest. Truth be told, it’s not that game changing. As long as the actual rumble is booked right and the right people eliminate the right people at the right time, then we all go home happy.

As with all of my other recap reviews of WWE PPV’s (all two of them), I’ll rate each match out of 5 in relation to the rest of the pay per view and not pay any attention to the promos. Except Todd Grisham reading out Cody Rhodes’ letter. That was priceless. Expect this recap review to be much shorter than usual, seeing as there were only three matches and the rumble itself. Was this a good thing? Let’s dive in and find out in the BIGGEST ROYAL RUMBLE IN HISTORY!

Edge beat Dolph Ziggler to retain the World Heavyweight Championship after hitting Ziggler with a Spear when both the referee and Vickie Guerrero were out cold and following it with a Kill Switch!Great match. Fantastic match, in fact. Ziggler is proving to be one of the best of the new breed of WWE wrestlers working today with his fantastic run as of late. He may still be a bit iffy on the mic, but in the ring he is a true competitor and one of the best pure wrestlers in years. Edge has still got it too, being both a great wrestler and story teller. The two work great together and if a feud needs to continue between these two, then I’m more than happy to see it happen.

Let’s be honest, we were gonna see a Spear at some point during the match; it was just a question of how it would happen. But the circumstances getting there were rather stupid. The ref being knocked out cold after being effectively poked? Come on! And Kelly Kelly’s comments to Drew McIntyre from several weeks ago along the lines of “I don’t want to go out with someone who takes pleasure in beating people up” carry extra portions of delicious irony now. But at least the usage of the Kill Switch means someone back there must want Edge & Christian to re-unite as badly as us fans do, right? You can’t keep teasing us like this!

Another reason why this isn’t getting a 5 (and neither is anything else this evening), is because of the commentary. I talk about the commentary and the general state of it every single one of these recaps but that’s usually because it’s merely a mild annoyance to me. Always there, but never really quite ruining your day. Like Adam Sandler. But tonight... it’s graduated from mild annoyance to a genuine deal breaker. Loud, boisterous and no matter how much you try, you just can’t get rid of it. Like cancer.

Michael Cole is now Michael Cole times 10. He’s like Senator Joseph McCarthy by 1954. He’s deranged, he’s super annoying, throwing random comments and accusations and insults anywhere, all the time, at 100MPH, in the vain hope that something, anything, will stick and send the attention back his way. Jerry Lawler is far too much on the side of good wrestlers now and spends the majority of the time arguing with Cole and delivering whatever “joke of the day” that his calendar brought up. And Matt Striker either argues with Cole or agrees with him and literally, literally, changes sides every 30 seconds just to stay in the conversation.

This was especially annoying come the slight mess of an ending where Cole was literally shrieking at the very tippy top of his lungs that Edge should be disqualified for using the Spear. Then the entire desk just devolved into one non-stop argument during which nobody would just shut. The. Fuck. Up! In fact, I’m going to start a separate scoring meter for the commentary this evening, just so that you can gauge my reactions.

Anyways, great match!

Match Rating: 4 out of 5.
Commentary Rating: Like being forced to watch a Fred marathon.

The Miz beat Randy Orton to retain the WWE Championship after CM Punk and The New Nexus attacked Orton whilst the referee was knocked out!Another great match with another very controversial ending. Why controversial? Because I, personally, loved it. Maybe it’s just my natural Punk loving instincts kicking in here, but this actually helped The Miz’s character. The Miz was slated before he became WWE Champion for not being good enough to be a wrestler. Now, he’s champion and people still don’t think that he’s good enough. So, in response, he’s playing the beatable champion. And he is fantastic at it. PPV Orton rarely gets beaten by his actual opponents nowadays, so it makes sense that The Miz can’t get the job done on his own. Also, it’s a great jumping off point for the upcoming Orton/New Nexus feud.

Before more chaos erupted, the match itself was excellent. Orton and The Miz do work well together, as shown in the past, and their ring styles complement each other brilliantly. It felt great to see The Miz counter the second rope DDT (as visually impressive as that move is, it is totally unrealistic) and there was smart Alex Riley usage too. That kid is going places.

Commentary wise, the thing was an unbelievable mess. I actually have a letter here addressed to Michael Cole that I’m going to read out for you now.

Dear Mr. Cole,
We get it. You like The Miz. Most of us do. You love him as a champion. Most of us love him as a champion. We get it. This does not mean that every single time he comes on TV (you know, like he’s paid to do. Because it’s his job) you should turn into a 14 year old girl who has just found out that Justin Beiber is coming to her home town. Or that every time he is losing, you should act like this is a sign of the upcoming apocalypse. Or that every time Lawler or Striker start talking about Miz’s opponent, you should interject with the whole “anything you can do, The Miz can do a million times better” attitude and start yet another full scale argument. Enough is enough. We are all getting earache! You can still like The Miz, just, for God sakes, tone it down, would you?

And whilst you are inexplicably listening to us, could you please crawl into a hole deep below the Earth’s surface and never ever come out again? Ever. Thank you.

Yours Sincerely,
The Internet.

Match Rating: 4 out of 5.
Commentary Rating: Like being stuck in a room full of shrieking, arguing teenage girls.

Eve Torres pinned Layla to become the new Unified Divas Champion! The referee did not see Michelle McCool pin Natalya at exactly the same time though!
Somebody please explain to me why Natalya lost the belt? She was on a roll! She’s the most talented Diva on the roster (second only to Gail Kim)! She brings the belt respect and prestige! So why take it off of her? Oh don’t get me wrong, Eve is a very good wrestler. But why take it off of the most talented Diva on your roster (who is still getting to, you know, wrestle) now? Two months after she won it?

Ah well, beats another LayCool reign. Wishing no criticism against Michelle (what with being really talented and looking smoking hot), she has held a belt in some way shape or form for the past year. And when she hasn’t got it, she’s instantly the number one contender again. It’s getting stale. And I think another LayCool title hold would have caused me to lose interest in the Divas division completely. It’s time someone else gets to hold the belt for a change. Solid match, but nothing special. It’s the toilet break, like Diva matches always are. Although the double Sharpshooter was sweet.

As for the commentary... it was alright. Nothing really happened that aggravated me as the whole affair was highly forgettable. I think they spent the entire time going on about stuff that happened in the previous matches and failing to notice or care about anything that was going on in the actual match. But I can’t really be sure. The commentary was just there. Effectively, it was the best it had been (and was going to be) all night.

Match Rating: 3 out of 5 (for a Divas match).
Commentary Rating: Talking to people who annoy you just by being there, even though they aren’t doing anything to aggravate you.

Alberto Del Rio (Entrant Number 38) last eliminated Santino Marella to win the Royal Rumble and get a title shot at WrestleMania!Turns out 40 participants wasn’t such a bad thing after all. This ruled! I got massive nerd Goosebumps when Daniel Bryan and CM Punk started off (as numbers 2 and 1 respectively) and literally punched the air when Daniel Bryan eliminated not one, but two people! Maybe somebody in the back does like him after all! Punk cheers rang throughout the stadium, the Cena/Hornswoggle tag team started off rather amusing (before it went too long until Sheamus, mercifully, brought it to an end) and Cena being eliminated by The Miz was also a fantastic moment as I realised that somebody who deserves it would win.

So Triple H didn’t return. But guess who did? Only Booker T and Diesel (Kevin Nash)! Diesel didn’t get to do much but he did stay in longer and got huge crowd chants going. But it was seeing Booker T back in that ring that did it for me. When he cleaned house of the New Nexus (beating them, not throwing them over), hit the Bookend AND did the spineroony (to which Matt Striker reverted to being 11 years old over); I was just grinning from ear to ear. It’s sad that he was merely a place holder before John Cena arrived, but he made more of an impact on me than any of the other wrestlers.

Actually, that’s a lie. John Morrison’s incredible parkour skills that saved him from being eliminated was quite simply the coolest moment of the whole evening and an early contender for Moment Of The Year. New Nexus owning the ring and basically dominating numbers 16 to 22 made sense story wise, but it made for damn boring television. Whilst Del Rio’s victory was a pleasantly unexpected surprise. Quite possibly the best thing that the WWE has done in ages. Roll on WrestleMania!

On the commentary side of things, I just gave up. Me and my brother were talking all over the action and being constantly interrupted by phone calls. I genuinely just stopped caring. I was, however, listening to Lawler consistently moan that moan that New Nexus’ strategy was unfair. “This isn’t what the Royal Rumble is about!” he would ceaselessly whine. And then Cole and/or Striker would state how they thought that this strategy that New Nexus was employing was genius and implying that Lawler should just go fuck himself.

JR! Please, come back to us! We can’t take this anymore! I’m genuinely thinking about muting the TV when I watch wrestling! It won’t be the same, but at least it’s a temporary cure! Please, JR! Come baaaaaaaaack!

Match Rating: 3.5 out of 5 (New Nexus dominating killed a lot of the buzz).
Commentary Rating: Drilling holes into your head with a power drill.

That was the 2011 Royal Rumble! What did you all think? Sign off in the comments below, follow me and I’ll see you back here for Elimination Chamber towards the end of the month!

Screen One: The King's Speech

2011-02-04T21:54:00.001Z

Film: The King’s Speech
Director: Tom Hooper
Written By: David Seidler
Distributer: Momentum Pictures
Run Time: 1 hour 58 minutes
Starring: Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, Helena Bonham Carter, Guy Pearce

I’m generally not a fan of period dramas. You know the ones that I mean. The haughty toighty pieces that are so hung up on the details of the story and details of the era; that they completely forget to make the resulting film interesting. I’m also generally not a fan of feel good movies. You know the ones that I mean. The ones that spend so much time attempting to tell stories that make people feel better about themselves and leave with a smile on their face; that they forget to make the film not feel extremely patronising and condescending.

So, by all accounts, I should detest The King’s Speech. On the surface, it looks like an uplifting feel good period drama designed to tick as many boxes on the Oscar checklist as humanly possible. But the actual film is a fantastic gem. A genuinely inspiring and un-patronising comedy drama that is anchored by two stellar performances by Colin Firth and Geoffrey Rush.

Based on a true story, Prince Albert, Duke of York (Firth) is the second son of King George V. His vocation involves a lot of public speaking but Albert suffers from a debilitating stutter that frequently renders him incapable of even the shortest sentence under great pressure. His wife, Elizabeth (Bonham Carter), has tried every single speech therapist in London to fix his stutter but none have been successful. But then she happens upon Lionel Logue (Rush), an unorthodox Australian speech therapist who demands Albert’s complete trust in treatment. All whilst the abdication crisis of 1936 forces Albert onto the throne too early and his biggest test comes when he has to give a speech on the wireless to the British people at the outset of World War II.

The King’s Speech is a very predictable film. There are no twists, no turns and no real tension thrown into the mix. But that’s not really much of a detriment, because the story is told superbly well. The writing is quick and pacy, trying its damndest to ensure that the film never drags. And although the script is good, it is the performances that truly make this film.

Colin Firth has been spectacular at varying points throughout his career and he has shown to be an exceptionally gifted actor. The King’s Speech has him at the top of his game and giving the performance of a lifetime. He makes Albert (or Bertie as the majority of the characters call him) a thoroughly likable man and every single time he stutters or fails to speak his mind due to his impediment you truly feel for him and root for him to pull through. But he does so in a way that doesn’t make it seem like the film is forcing you to like him. He gives a layered and nuanced performance that feels less like a character and more like a real person. But the highest amount of praise for Firth comes from a friend of mine who saw the film recently. He has a stutter and he told me that Firth plays a man with a stutter to a tee. If that isn’t high praise, I truly don’t know what is.

Geoffrey Rush, meanwhile, is reliably excellent. Portraying an eccentric and unorthodox man in a way that still grounds him in reality. He stays away from giving Logue a random quirk or extremity and makes him an extremely friendly guy. Rush probably won’t garner as much praise as Firth, because at this point we just expect greatness from the man, but he is still a tour-de-force. Helena Bonham Carter is the best she’s been in ages without being criminally underused and Guy Pearce makes the perfectly hateable King Edward VIII more than just a one dimensional “bad guy”.

It certainly feels about 15 minutes too long and it’s mainly the exceptional lead performances that make the film, but The King’s Speech is still worth seeing. For it is one of those rare breeds of inspirational movies that don’t feel patronising. For it is one of those rare breeds of period dramas that gets the details right but also provides an excellent viewing experience. It is the cream of British acting tearing up the screen with some of the best performances of their career and everything else playing second fiddle.

Normally I judge movies based on their overall package, and if that were the case then this’d be a three. But on this case, I’m willing to make an exception. The acting is that exceptional, it makes up for everything else being merely good. So if you are a fan of acting and films with great acting, then you owe it to yourself to see The King’s Speech. Otherwise, see it anyway and enjoy a feel good movie that doesn’t treat its audience like idiots.

4 out of 5.

Tangled Ties Up The Competition And Other UK Box Office News

2011-02-01T19:58:00.002Z

Surprising absolutely no one, Tangled blazed its way to number one this weekend, raking in just over £5 million. And, you know what, I’m happy with this. It’s nice to see Disney back on top and making movies that are actually really good and very big money makers. From the reviews that I’ve read, Tangled is Disney back on form and that, considering what else is out this year, it has the potential to be the best animated film of the year (you can just tell that I’m dying to see Cars 2, can’t you?). I’m sure I’ll get around to seeing it at some point.

Elsewhere, Oscar favourites The King’s Speech and Black Swan slipped down a place each, dropping to 2nd and 3rd places respectively, and were the only other films to make more than £1 million over the weekend. In the slate of other new releases, the Jason Statham fronted The Mechanic debuted in 4th, Clint Eastwood’s existential drama Hereafter limped into the chart in 8th, and How Do You Know, the generic rom-com that cost $120 million to make, flopped onto the chart at 10th with… er… significantly less than enough to make $120 million.

What’s most interesting, however, is what isn’t on the chart. As predicted by me, Little Fockers mercifully dropped off of the list. But, much sadder, so did Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part One after what seemed like an eternity on the list. I feel like we got to know each other personally during this period! Rest assured though, Potter fans! When Part 2 debuts in the Summer, expect cinemas to offer a double feature promotion and for Part 1 to storm back up the charts! We shalln’t be separated for long!

Anyways, here comes the Potter-less full list!

UK Box Office Results: 28th – 30th January

1] Tangled
£5,106,612 / NEW

£11,475 per screen average. Let me repeat that, just so that it is clear. £11,475 per screen average. On 445 screens. Underestimate the power of Walt Disney at your own peril!

2] The King’s Speech
£3,614,265 / £24,905,378

Really happy to see this continue to do well. I’m heading off to see it this Friday with my grandparents (stop laughing!). So if there is a sudden switcheroo in my attitude towards it next Tuesday, you now know why.

3] Black Swan
£2,566,346 / £7,305,659

Also really happy to see this film continue to do well. I’m heading off to see it this Sunday with a bunch of my friends who are girls (stop laughing!). So if there’s a sudden switcheroo in my attitude towards it next Tuesday, you now know why! Several of my other friends saw it this weekend and felt compelled to insist to me how disturbing and jumpy it is. As someone who is a total pussy and not a fan of horror movies, this is both a good and bad sign.

4] The Mechanic
£921,554 / NEW

I’m sorry, Stath fans. This would be higher, but my mum detests cinemas and not even her number one crush is going to get her into those seats. If this bombs, you all now know who to blame.

5] The Dilemma
£669,368 / £2,292,011

In lieu of actual commentary, here is Nelly and Kelly Rowland’s 2002 hit of roughly the same name!

6] The Green Hornet
£655,797 / £4,905,398

45% drop. Nothing much else to say. If this was any other month, I’d probably have seen it and given you my opinion on it by now. But it’s January. So I haven’t. And I can’t.

7] Hereafter
£601,728 / NEW

Cheer up, Clint! Everybody directs a steaming clunker at least once in their career! You’ve got plenty of chances to bounce back from this!

8] Gulliver’s Travels
£585,250 / £14,502,379

Yep, still making money. If this were any other upcoming Friday, I’d say this would be its last week on the list. But it’s not any other upcoming Friday, so this is probably going to stay. Sigh.

9] 127 Hours
£409,363 / £6,605,229

This is down 49% from last week! How and why are the public skipping on this? Please, for the love of God, keep this in instead of Gulliver’s Travels next week! One of them is going to drop; I’d rather it wasn’t this one. Make it a victory for quality cinema! Please! I beg of you!

10] How Do You Know
£374,933 / NEW

Yeah, I don’t think that it’s making its budget back any time soon.

Dropped Out: Little Fockers (yes!), Morning Glory (meh), Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (noooooooo!!!!), NEDs

That's this week's list! Comment below, follow me and join me again every Tuesday or Wednesday for the latest UK Box Office Report!

The Month In Movies UK: February 2011

2011-01-29T16:20:00.002Z

Welcome back folks to The Month In Movies UK! This is the feature where I run down the movies coming out in the UK this month and advise you on what looks good, what looks crap and what looks like Yogi Bear. As always I’m selecting based on movies in the coming soon category of VUE West End in London, seeing as that is where the majority of films are screened in the UK.

January was full of quality looking movies coming out, but February is the equivalent of water in the Gobi desert. There is sod all coming out and not much of it looks any good. But if you dig deep, there are some decent looking films coming out. Mostly Oscar bait movies that are belatedly making their way to the UK, but decent looking movies nonetheless. Let’s get to it!

Note: This is not a list of films that I will be reviewing. It is not a complete list of films coming out this month. The opinions expressed within this list are based on information and trailers for the films coming out this month. I have not seen any of these films (and probably won’t see a lot of them). All release dates subject to change.

The Month In Movies: February 2011

The Fighter (2nd February)
Director: David O. Russell
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Christian Bale

Upon initially viewing the trailer for this I was sceptical, seeing as it looked like a grittier, more depressing Rocky. But the hype has been in overdrive, the reviews are telling me it’s great and I do like me some Christian Bale. Consider it one to go see. Though on my personal list, it’s quite low down.

Brighton Rock (4th February)
Director: Rowan Joffe
Starring: Sam Riley, Andrea Riseborough, Andy Serkis

Allow me to start the British equivalent of the Nic Cage pledge right now with the Andy Serkis pledge! Britain’s Greatest Living Actor is in a film I literally know nothing about and, as such, I don’t care about. But for those of you who plan to stick to the newly created Andy Serkis pledge, then here you go! You can’t say no to Gollum!

Sanctum 3D (4th February)
Director: Alister Grierson
Starring: Richard Roxburgh, Ioan Gruffudd

I told you there was nothing coming out this month! This is being proudly touted as “From Executive Producer James Cameron!” but what the people in marketing fail to realise is that after the colossal pieces of shite known as Avatar and Titanic that James Cameron’s name as a draw is worthless on me! And that with the new power I wield over the UK cinema going public (so much power!), I can convince no one to go! They’ll look like fools! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Also, it’s in 3D. I’d skip it on principle.

Gnomeo And Juliet (11th February)
Director: Kelly Asbury
Starring: James McAvoy, Emily Blunt

For a film that looks like such utter, derivative tripe, it’s getting a bloody big marketing push and features some big talent behind it all (e.g.: The cream of British acting talent on voice duty and Elton John wrote the music). Seven different people were involved in writing this and it was originally shut down by John Lasseter. Those are some bad omens if I ever saw them. Probably best to skip it.

Just Go With It (11th February)
Director: Dennis Dugan
Starring: Adam Sandler, Jennifer Aniston

It’s an Adam Sandler/Jennifer Aniston comedy. Moving on.

Never Let Me Go (11th February)
Director: Mark Romanek
Starring: Carey Mulligan, Andrew Garfield, Keira Knightley

Great cast, it’s written by Alex Garland (you can just tell that I’ve recently finished Enslaved: Odyssey To The West, can’t you?), good director and it was co-produced by Film4! It actually might be pretty good. If it shows near you, go give it a shot.

True Grit (11th February)
Directors: Joel and Ethan Cohen
Starring: Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon, Hailee Steinfeld

It’s the Cohens. Doing a western. With Jeff Bridges. What more do you need?

Yogi Bear (11th February)
Director: Eric Brevic
Starring: Dan Aykroyd, Justin Timberlake

True story: I thought that this came out on Boxing Day last year. It was originally scheduled as such and there were a hell of a lot of adverts for it on TV, I genuinely thought that this was already out. Anyways; let’s start the estimates as to a) How much money this thing is going to make and b) How much money it’s going to take away from True Grit. Because this is the depressing world we live in today, folks!

Big Momma’s: Like Father, Like Son (18th February)
Director: John Whitesell
Starring: Martin Lawrence in a fat suit, Brandon T. Jackson presumably also in a fat suit

Fun Fact: Wikipedia states that this was produced by Will Smith. Between inflicting this, Jaden Smith and Willow Smith on the world; I’m quite certain we can try the man for crimes against humanity.

Justin Beiber: Never Say Never 3D (18th February)
Director: Jon Chu
Starring: A kid whose balls have ingested themselves into his body

BIEBER FEVER!! IN 3D!! ZOMG!! OMFG!!! LOL!!!!!!!!! (commits suicide)

Paul (18th February)
Director: Greg Mottola
Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Jason motherfucking Bateman

This cannot possibly suck! It’s Simon Pegg and Nick Frost! In a sci-fi comedy! By the guy who did Superbad! With Sigourney Weaver! And Kristen Wigg! And Seth Rogen as the alien! And Jason Bateman! It cannot possibly suck! Can it? CAN IT?!

No Strings Attached (25th February)
Director: Ivan Reitman
Starring: Ashton Kutcher, Natalie Portman

Or, if you are to believe the internet, The Film That Will Cost Natalie Portman Her Oscar. But it can’t. It’s only an inoffensive rom-com with Ashton Kutcher. It’s not like it’s Norbit or anything!

West Is West (25th February)
Director: Andy DeEmmony
Starring: Aqib Khan, Om Puri, Linda Bassett, Robert Pugh

Continuing what appears to be the theme of 2011’s releases, here is the sequel to a film that was made long ago and that nobody asked for. Actually, I’m being mean. East Is East is a great film and well worth seeing. But it was released 12 years ago and it told a great self contained story that said everything it needed to say. It’s done. Finished! It doesn’t need a sequel! Although, looking at the stuff coming out that week, if you really need to watch something new, then this should do the trick. Though I have a feeling that those people who clamoured for an East Is East sequel are the same people who were clamouring for a Johnny English sequel (which we’re getting this year, natch).

That’s February in British cinema! What films are you interested in and which do you think I’ve missed off? As always, comment underneath and follow me!

UK Box Office Report: 21/1/11 - 23/1/11

2011-01-26T21:31:00.002Z

January for American cinema is pretty grim, what with something between “bugger” and “all” coming out. January for the UK, on the other hand, is a prosperous month for cinema as big American awards season films finally make their way over to the UK, and us Brits lap them up like the tasty cat’s milk that they most definitely aren’t.

Case in point: this week finally saw the release of Black Swan in UK cinemas and it debuted in a very respectable 2nd place with a little under £2.75 million. I’m genuinely shocked by that. I mean, would you really think that, in today’s current climate, the average movie goer would want to sit down and watch a drama about ballet? Especially since the people that mostly want to see it are teenagers (so I don’t talk to many people outside of my circle of friends, sue me). Needless to say, me and my friends are heading off to see it this weekend now that our local VUE stocks it. So expect a review this weekend. And if not this weekend, then next weekend. And if not next weekend, then know that I pussied out (I have a phobia of scary films because I’m a giant wuss).

Sitting pretty at number 1, though, and with a giant “EFF YOOOOU!” to the rest of the list, is The King’s Speech with just over £4.25 million. I have a few theories why this is doing really well. 1] We Brits love films about our monarchy. 2] We Brits love Colin Firth. 3] We Brits love a British made film. I could have cooked up 4] We Brits love a damn good movie, but Gulliver’s Travels and Little Fockers are still on the list. So I think we can safely disregard that. Tangled’s out this weekend, though, so don’t expect it to hang on to number 1 this time next week.

Nothing much else to note. Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 1 is still hanging onto the chart, refusing to let go. The Dilemma came out and virtually no one gave a shit. As for the number 10 film, well… see for yourself.

Here comes the full list!

UK Box Office Results: 21st – 23rd January 2011

1] The King’s Speech
£4,226,074 / £18,312,482

This had only a 4% drop on its totals. See what I mean by a giant “EFF YOOOOU!” to the rest of the list? Breaking News: British people love films about their monarchy! Who knew?

2] Black Swan
£2,762,429 / New

I’m still genuinely shocked that people are seeing this. Pleasantly shocked, but shocked nonetheless. Apparently hormonal teenage boys find lesbian sex scenes attractive. Who knew?

3] The Green Hornet
£1,187,652 / £3,830,737

37% drop from last week. Apparently, people hate crappy post production 3D movies. Who knew? OK, I’ll stop that joke now.

4] The Dilemma
£1,102,798 / New

When even Chris Moyles can’t be arsed to pretend that your product is really good and state how much he really loves it and how big he thinks it’s going to be, you know that something must’ve gone wrong somewhere.

5] Gulliver’s Travels
£992,382 / £13,728,081

For your consideration: this made over £7 million in its first week here in the UK. If this piece of shit breaks even, you know who to blame. It turns out us Brits love us some fat jokes. Who kn… no! Bad Callum!

6] 127 Hours
£805,418 / £5,801,164

How is it this low? I went to a screening on Saturday afternoon and it was jam packed to the rafters! Admittedly, it was only teenagers who were there to see the amputation scene and who were bored every other second of the film and talked all over the film and, yes, he is drinking his own urine and, yes, this did really happen to someone and, no, I do not care if you are bored out of your mind cos he’s gonna cut off his own arm soon, honest; but still!

7] Little Fockers
£685,046 / £18,250,639

A 44% drop this week and, considering what’s coming out this Friday, possibly its last week on the list. Good.

8] Morning Glory
£524,356 / New

Oh, look! It’s that one film!

9] Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows: Part 1
£346,787 / £51,970,278

This was recently shown at my local VUE’s Kids A.M. feature. Did they honestly think that kids of the age of 5 to 11 are going to willingly sit through this without a] being bored out of their minds and b] crying their eyes out due to the snake and the death at the end? It’s a good film, but it’s not really a young kid’s film. Regardless, they were obviously right. Again.

10] Neds
£283,210 / New

No, really. Oh, you’re not at all surprised or shocked? How about the fact that this film, which only opened on 72 screens, managed a whopping £3,933 per screen average! Still not impressed? Never mind then.

Dropped Out: Love And Other Drugs, The Next Three Days, The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader, Tron: Legacy

That's this week's list. Comment below, follow me and join me here every Wednesday for the next however long for the latest UK Box Office Report!

Screen One: 127 Hours

2011-01-22T17:42:00.002Z

Film: 127 Hours
Director: Danny Boyle
Written By: Danny Boyle, Simon Beaufoy (Screenplay)
Distributor: Fox Searchlight
Run Time: 1 hour 34 minutes
Starring: James Franco

Danny Boyle is a bona fide genius. A living legend. The greatest British director working today. He’s literally only had 1 and a third misfires throughout his entire career (The Beach, and that final third of Sunshine where it devolved into a rubbish slasher flick). He is one of my favourite directors of all time. He’s tackled nearly all genres and conquered every single one of them.

So when it was announced that he would tackle a true story about a man who went mountaineering, got his arm stuck by a rock and, 5 days later, amputated it to escape, even I was sceptical about how the results would turn out. How could a film featuring only one man being trapped for 90 minutes be interesting? As it turns out, it’s absolutely brilliant. An incredible, edge-of-your-seat drama with enough pace and clever editing to keep things interesting and a suitably superb lead turn from James Franco to make that one man one of the best protagonists of recent memory.

A quick recap of the basic outline of the story. In April 2003, Aron Ralston (Franco) went mountaineering in Blue John Canyon when a boulder dislodged itself and crushed his right forearm against the canyon wall. Trapped with no phone, dwindling supplies of water and food and no one aware of where he is; Ralston starts to try and dislodge the boulder and reflects upon all of his faults in his life. Eventually, he amputates his own arm in order to escape (don’t worry, it’s not a spoiler if it’s a true story, is it?) and is rescued.

When people talk about 127 Hours, they are going to talk about three things. James Franco, the direction, and the amputation scene. So let’s deal with them in order.

When he gets into the situation that he does, you initially feel like Ralston had it coming to him. He initially comes off a bit self absorbed and far too much of an adrenaline junkie. But as events go on, you really feel for him and you really root for him to get out. This is mostly due to James Franco. The dude is sensational, grounding Ralston and making him really cheery and approachable. Every little confessional he puts towards his camera, every panicked scream and every humorous thing that he says makes him that much more lovable. Franco deserves every single award that he is up for and will hopefully get.

The direction is brilliant. Every single shot has purpose and every single shot brings you closer to the action. Literally, in most cases, as the camera work is mainly handheld and focuses mostly on close-ups. It’s the best use of handheld I’ve ever seen and genuinely makes me more invested in the action. But I can’t talk about the direction without mentioning the editing. The work put in by Jon Harris is not only stylish but also quite innovative. The opening juxtaposition between Ralston preparing to head out and people going through their mundane lives is extremely effective. The digital encoding when Ralston falls off his bike is great and the clever editing comes into particular brilliance during a conversation Ralston has with himself and the flashbacks that fill in his life.

Now, about that amputation scene. Is it at all weird that those roughly three minutes of extreme gore made me wince, cringe and feel sick more than any of the Saw or Hostel or other such gore-fests do in their entire run time? Allow me to answer that: it isn’t! But it’s not just what you see that makes it horrible. It’s not gore for the sake of gore. By having gotten to know Ralston and making him so likeable, you really care for him. You are feeling his pain as he slices through his arm. You suffer as and when he does. The investment in the character makes the scene that much more memorable and that much more horrifying to watch. Although I’d like to note the moment that nearly made me vomit is not what you see. It’s what you hear.

This is the shortest feeling 90 minutes I’ve ever spent in the cinema. It’s the best thing that Danny Boyle has ever done, finally knocking off Trainspotting. It’s got the best lead performance I’ve seen in years. The music by A. R. Rahman is brilliant and the minimalistic moments of it are the best. I doubt I’m seeing better this year. Too early for me to call it the Film of the Year? Just you wait!

Unless you are currently afflicted with an illness that physically prohibits you from seeing great movies, then stop what you are doing and go and see 127 Hours! No really. Go! Now!

5 out of 5.

Bonus Picture: People's Choice Awards 2011

2011-01-22T09:03:00.002Z

Sometimes, stiffs in suits do not make a very good job of handing out awards. Take last year’s Oscars. Who on earth thought that The Hurt Locker was a better film than District 9 or Up? Why did In The Loop not win best adapted screenplay? STOP GIVING AVATAR ANY AWARDS AT ALL!

But, then again, the public aren’t really the best judge of character either. For example, year’s National Television Awards. Is Gavin & Stacey really a better comedy than The Inbetweeners or even Benidorm, for that matter? Why is an award category called Best Factual Programme dominated by non-factual shows and won by Loose Women? BEST NEWCOMER SHOULD NOT JUST INVOLVE SOAP STARS!

With that in mind, the 2011 People’s Choice Awards took place a short while back and the results are… less than impressive. But this time we have the public to thank for them. So let’s run down the winners and nominees in the movie categories and discredit all of their opinions, shall we?

Note: When I say “you” I refer to the people who voted. Not any of you wonderful folk with taste.

Favourite Movie

Twilight: Eclipse. It went to Twilight: Eclipse. It went to Twilight over Inception. It went to Twilight over Toy Story 3. Nothing else really needs to be said, does it? If that doesn’t fill you with uncontrollable rage, please forcibly extract yourself from the gene pool immediately. Minus 4,000,000,000 points to the public!

Favourite Action Movie

In a category of two really strong nominees, one really average nominee and two inexcusably shit nominees (guess which is which!); Iron Man 2 eventually came out on top. Very good choice as evidenced by the fact that it’s listed on my 2010 films of the year. However, Kick-Ass was also nominated. And if my Top 10 list is correct (and it always is), Kick-Ass is the better movie and the more deserving winner. Nevertheless, things are only gonna get worse, aren’t they? So I’m going to let this slide. Plus 25 points to the public!

Favourite Comedy Movie

One decent nominee, one good looking nominee (I sadly missed out on Easy A on account of it not being shown in the majority of our cinemas) and then a barrel of shite. Out of Date Night, Easy A, Sex and The City 2 and Valentine’s Day; the award for “Favourite Comedy Movie” went to Grown Ups. ... ... ... ... Sigh. Minus 600 points to the public!

Favourite Drama Movie

Stop! Cease and desist! Enough! You have two of the best films of 2010 on your list, begging to be given awards, and what do you do? You have to go and give it to Twilight, don’t you? Don’t you? DON’T YOU? You cruel, tasteless, moronic bastards! Minus another 4,000,000,000 points to the public!

Favourite Family Movie

This award quite rightly went to Toy Story 3, but don’t think that this excuses you for not giving it Favourite Movie! Because it doesn’t! Plus 3,000 points to the public, regardless!

Favourite Horror Movie

I have made it abundantly clear during my time talking about movies that I don’t care for horror movies. This is due to the fact that being scared is one of the many things in life I hate happening to me (and, yes, I am perfectly aware that I’m going to see Black Swan, but that’s a “psychological thriller”. So there!). With that being said, someone explain to me how the Nightmare On Elm Street remake deserved to win over Let Me In, the far better looking and far scarier looking film? Maybe it’s just my Chloe Moretz bias kicking in, but nothing excuses this. Minus 3,900 points to the public!

Favourite Movie Actor

Two nominees for Twilight here. Neither won. I’m tempted to give the public points based soley on that. But then it turns out Johnny Depp won for his turns in two of the most boring and soul-destroying films of last year and I’m reminded how much I hate people again. With that being said, TWILIGHT DIDN’T WIN ANYTHING and I like to take the little victories when I can. So I’ll be kind and award minus 20 points to the public!

Favourite Movie Actress

An award given to Kristen Stewart for the actually pretty good The Runaways and the actually really shit Twilight. Proof, if any were needed, that hormonal teenage boys vote with their wangs and not with their brains. On the other hand, The Runaways was actually pretty good. Plus/Minus 0 points to the public!

Favourite Action Star

You know, whilst The Karate Kid was extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeemely boring and extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemly unnecessary, the eventual winner deserves some praise for being Jackie Chan. What’s that? He was also nominated for The Spy Next Door? Minus 30 points to the public! The Spy Next Door sucked!

Favourite Comedic Star

I would like to remind you that this is an actual award ceremony of actual worth. Instead of actual talent winning (namely, Steve Carell, Tina Fey and Will Ferrell) this went to Adam Sandler for Grown Ups. I refuse to give him the satisfaction by making fun of it. Minus 6,000 points to the public!

Favourite On-Screen Team

Once again, this is an actual award ceremony of actual worth. You may think that it went to Inception or Date Night or Iron Man 2 or even The Karate Kid for having actors and actresses with actual acting ability. You may have forgotten that Twilight came out last year. You draw your own conclusions. Minus 1,000,000 points to the public!

Favourite Movie Star Under 25

Again, actual awards. Actual worth. In what is effectively a “who do teenage girls find the hottest?” award, it went to Zac Efron for, and I quote, “Disney Channel Star”. They've obviously forgot that The Death And Life Of Charlie St. Cloud came out last year. I don't blame them. I'd be worried if I knew Rorie right now. Emma Stone wasn't nominated and he's gonna be pissed! The score counter fails to recognise this as an actual award!

Conclusion

So then, the final score is... Oh... It turns out we didn't put enough digits on the counter and it self destructed under the weight of the negatives. But I like to think that we've learnt something from this little exercise in spoil sporting. We've learnt that the public are morons who wouldn't know quality if it hit them in the face. We've learnt that your movie is guaranteed awards if it has an actor who is allergic to shirts. And we've learnt that the People's Choice Awards are a pile of shite.

But I have an idea to ensure that films like Twilight and Grown Ups can never be considered Award Winning films and so that people don't have to be subjected to it ever again. Hold the awards, but do them in secret. Never reveal the winners, only the nominees. Then we can draw our own conclusions and, in our own perfect world, the deserving winners will finally win.

So what do you think of the People’s Choice awards? Shit? Shitter? Really shitter? Sign off in the comments below and follow me for more blogs with just as much biting sarcasm, slightly less relevance and timing and rubbish self promotion!

The Month In Movies: January 2011

2011-01-01T19:45:00.001Z

Hello there and hello to 2011! Welcome to a new feature in which I’ll run down the upcoming month in movies for the UK and give you my picks on what you should see and what you should shoot the projectionist for showing. I’m always selecting based on movies in the coming soon category of VUE West End in London, seeing as that is where the majority of films are screened in the UK.

Anyways, January is typically the month where big Oscar bait films that have been lighting up America for the past 3 months belatedly make their way to the UK. However, unlike in previous years, the majority of these films are actually really good looking, have been getting rave reviews and are almost certainly worth your time. January ain’t your month off anymore. So let’s get into it.

Note: This is not a list of films that I will be reviewing. For a start, I’m only 16 years of age and still at school. Plus, with the films that I list and say that I LIKE, it’d be a damn expensive and time consuming month. It is also not a complete list of films coming out this month. Finally, this list is based on information and trailers for the films. I have not seen any of these films (and probably won’t see a lot of them).

The Month In Movies: January 2011

127 Hours (5th January)
Director: Danny Boyle
Starring: James Franco

I am extremely looking forward to this movie. In fact, it’s my most anticipated film of the entire year. And when anybody questions that I respond with two words: Danny Boyle. The man is one of my all time favourite directors and responsible for some of my favourite films (Trainspotting and 28 Days Later). The premise is ace, the star is damn good, the director is superb. Having to wait three long agonising months whilst America got the film before us (in what seems like exclusive limited release) has only heightened my anticipation and I am seeing this one way or another. This better rule, Boyle!

The Next Three Days (7th January)
Director: Paul Haggis
Starring: Russell Crowe, Elizabeth Banks

Hey look! The director of Crash made another movie! That’s great, I guess? In all seriousness; it doesn’t sound particularly interesting, it doesn’t look particularly interesting, it hasn’t got very good reviews and it’s coming out during a week when there are much more interesting films coming out. I’m quite certain you can skip this. Your art house indie club won’t mind.

It’s Kind Of A Funny Story (7th January)
Directors: Anna Boden, Ryan Fleck
Starring: Keir Gilchrist, Emma Roberts, Zach Galifianakis

This actually looks halfway decent. The reviews have been good and it could be a funny and heart-warming film if the trailer is anything to go by. There are only three problems it may need to overcome. 1] The psych-ward clichés (“Hey! I have a weird problem! It’s really funny because I’m mad!”) that so many other films rely on. 2] Zach Galifianakis fatigue (I’m already sick of the dude). And 3] Getting to see it anywhere seeing as it’s not actually listed in any book times places. This seems like it’ll be stuck in limited release hell for its cinema time. Shame.

Season Of The Witch (7th January)
Director: Dominic Sera
Starring: Nicholas Cage, Ron Pearlman

I’m literally only mentioning this for those of you who need to see everything that Nicholas Cage and Ron Pearlman are in. It’s been completed and on hold for release for 2 years. Make of that what you will.

The King’s Speech (7th January)
Director: Tom Hooper
Starring: Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, Helena Bonham Carter

Even I can’t believe that I’m looking forward to The King’s Speech. I hate our monarchy and anything to do with our monarchy. But the hype for this thing has gone into overdrive and, like the easily lead on fool that I am, I’ve been swept up in it. Mind you, the trailer heightened my interest and the cast list is impeccable. So consider it on my radar. However, if it comes down to this and some of my later films as the movie I get to see, this is going to lose every time. I’ll probably see it on DVD.

Blue Valentine (14th January)
Director: Derek Cianfrance
Starring: Ryan Gosling, Michelle Williams

The film that was initially given NC-17 and deemed worse than showing men’s penises a lot in an R rated movie by the MPAA makes its way to the UK. A drama about a failing marriage, I’m really interested in this movie. After all, sometimes it’s nice to sit down in a cinema and engage your brain instead of just seeing things explode for 2 hours. It’s just a shame that the film is unlikely to see any major release in the UK. If you are one of the lucky ones whose cinema is playing it near you, go see it.

Conviction (14th January)
Director: Tony Goldwyn
Starring: Hilary Swank, Sam Rockwell

Description taken straight from VUE’s site: “When a man is convicted for a murder he swears he didn’t commit, his sister does all she can to free him.” If I didn’t do my research, I’d say this sounds remarkably similar to another film released earlier this month. But I did do my research and I can tell you that this looks boring, skip it.

The Green Hornet (14th January)
Director: Michel Gondry
Starring: Seth Rogan, Jay Cho, Christoph Waltz

Every time that superheroes and comic books become big in Hollywood, somebody threatens to make a Green Hornet movie. This time they actually made it. The good news is that it doesn’t look too bad. It’s got a good cast, Michel Gondry is directing (Be Kind Rewind wasn’t that bad!) and the trailer makes it look alright. Who knows? Could be a good surprise. If you need to see a new film that week, this should be it. Just don’t see it in 3D, in case that weren’t obvious.

Black Swan (21st January)
Director: Darren Aronofsky
Starring: Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis

I am way more excited for this than I have any right to be. Because I don’t want to see this because of THAT scene. I want to see it because of the cast, I want to see it because of the director, I want to see it because of the plot, I want to see it because of the trailer, I want to see it to have my mind fucked with and I want to see it to be completely freaked the hell out. If I were to only see 2 movies this month, it’d be this and 127 Hours. I’m so pumped for this film that I am breaking my code of not seeing horror movies because I’m almighty pussy just for this film. Bring it on!

Morning Glory (21st January)
Director: Roger Michell
Starring: Rachel McAdams, Harrison Ford, Diane Keaton

Oh, look! It’s that one film! Yeah. Moving on.

My Soul To Take (21st January)
Director: Wes Craven
Starring: A bunch of talentless idiots

Oh, God. No. Just no!

Hereafter (28th January)
Director: Clint Eastwood
Starring: Matt Damon, Cecile de France, Frankie and George McLaren

You know, normally I would’ve urged you to see this because it’s Clint Eastwood, but now I’m not so sure. It’s gotten very middling reviews, done very poorly at the box office and looks slow and plodding as hell. So I’d approach this one with some trepidation. Go see it, but temper your expectations.

How Do You Know (28th January)
Director: James L. Brooks
Starring: Reese Witherspoon, Owen Wilson, Paul Rudd, Jack Nicholson

Once again, this is the generic rom-com that cost an inexplicable $120 million to make. This’ll be a conundrum that’ll boggle historians for generations to come!

Tangled (28th January)
Directors: Nathan Greno, Byron Howard
Starring: Zachary Levi, Mandy Moore

And whilst I’m ranting about budgets, this cost $260 MILLION TO MAKE! It’s the second most expensive movie in history and the fifth most expensive when adjusted for inflation! H...? W...? Words fail me. Nevertheless, this looks to cement Disney’s big animated comeback so I’m totally off to see it. My Zachary Levi love knows few bounds! (Sorry Zach. I am NEVER watching ANY Alvin & The Chipmunks films!)

The Mechanic (28th January)
Director: Simon West
Starring: Jason Statham, Ben Foster, Donald Sutherland

Jason Statham is Jason Statham playing Jason Statham in Jason Statham 2: Jason Statham Harder! It’s a remake of the 1972 Charles Bronson movie of the same name, but it is also, more importantly, the fifteenth time that Jason Statham has made the same goddamn movie. But that movie still has some appeal so it’s probably worth a watch. So go watch it! ... ... Or Jason Statham might kill you.

And that’s the month British cinema in a nutshell. What films are you interested in and which do you think I’ve missed off? As always, comment underneath and follow me!

Screen One's Worst Films Of 2010 Part 2

2010-12-31T17:27:00.004Z

Welcome back to part 2 of the worst films of the year. I’ll try not to go on forever with this part so let’s get straight into it.

Worst Film That I Haven’t Actually Seen But I Can Tell Just By Watching The Trailer Will Be Absolutely Shit
Fred: The Movie

I was not aware of Fred before I saw the trailer for Fred: The Movie. I’m hoping that you are not aware of what Fred is, because when you watch the following trailer I want you to be just as shocked, appalled, astounded and terrified that such a thing can and does exist as I was the first time I watched it.

Here is the trailer for Fred: The Movie.

I really think nothing else needs to be said. Words genuinely fail me.

Oh, wait! Something else does need to be said. THEY ARE MAKING A SEQUEL!

Dishonourable Mention
Knucklehead

I would like to just ask how the hell the WWE is still producing films seeing as all of them are shit, none of them have made money and nobody seems to have watched them or shown any interest in watching them. They’ve tried drama (Legendary), that didn’t work. They’ve tried action (everything else), that didn’t work either. Now they’ve tried comedy. As you can see, that hasn’t worked either. Somebody shut them down!

Anti-Film Of The Year
Alice In Wonderland
Director: Tim Burton
Starring: Mia Wasikowska, Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter
Original Rating: 2/5 (24th March)

The Anti-Film Of The Year is not the worst film of the year. It is simply the film that represents best everything that is wrong with Hollywood today. And I haven’t seen any better example of this this year than Alice.

First off: It’s Tim Burton on autopilot. His usually fertile imagination seems to have subsided in favour of UNDERLAND (not Wonderland) looking exactly how you thought it would look. Drab, gothic, post apocalyptic and nothing you haven’t seen before. The chance to play around with the Alice In Wonderland material should’ve been perfect for someone like Burton. I was expecting a clever and brilliant alternative take on the source material. What I instead got was Burton once again completely missing the point in favour of providing us a cross between He-Man, Transformers and Lord Of The Rings.

Here comes the real problem that I have with Alice… though and I think the biggest problem that I have with Hollywood today: using 3D to make crap films seem watchable. At least 25 films were released wide in 3D this year. 4 of them were any good (possibly 5 but I haven’t seen How To Train Your Dragon on principle). That’s not even 1/5, and all of those films are better or just as good without 3D. Unfortunately, Hollywood got the idea that since Avatar made tonnes of money due to this 3D fad, why can’t the rest of their movies? And in their hasty rush to cash in on this huge thing, any and all quality control effectively got tossed aside.

However, I don’t have any hatred for films shot in 3D. OK, I have less hatred for films shot in 3D. If you are going to do 3D, decide from the beginning of the project that that’s how you want to do your film and shoot it accordingly. DO NOT under any circumstances shoot your movie in 2D and then convert it into 3D in post production because the effect is horrific and headache inducing.

Alice may not have been as bad as Clash Of The Titans 3D (which I have on good authority, made people get severe headaches and nearly vomit. And that’s just from staring at Sam Worthington!), but it is still one of the worst examples of 3D I’ve ever seen. Everything is much dimmer, that’s obvious. But it was grainier and murkier and everything eventually just merged into one incomprehensible blob. I left the cinema needing a good long lie down thanks to a horrific migraine that erupted during the onset of the final battle.

And if the 3D was meant to disguise the crap quality of the film, it failed miserably because it made all of the problems even worse! Mia Wasikowska has no acting ability, Johnny Depp’s “look at me! I’m mad!” shtick is getting real old real fast, the film has zero imagination and, worst of all, it’s drop dead boring. Christ, even Prince of Persia entertained for at least 2 minutes! (I’m referring to the throwing knife fight)

I blame Alice’s success on a lot of things. I blame myself for going to see it (though, in my defence, it was for a school trip). I blame the parents who took their children to see this instead of anything else. I blame Joe Average for flocking to anything with the word 3D on the poster. I blame cinemas for charging stupendously high 3D ticket prices. I blame Tim Burton for phoning it in. I blame Linda Woolverton for her incredibly crappy screenplay (this is the same Linda Woolverton, by the way, that wrote the screenplays for The Lion King and Beauty And The Beast). And I blame James Cameron for making 3D commercially viable with Avatar.

The one hope that I have after seeing this film, the one hope, is that its success will lead to more films like Big Fish, Corpse Bride, Beetlejuice and Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure from him and not another Planet Of The Apes.

Dishonourable Mention
Avatar: Special Edition

“What’s that James Cameron? Would I be interested in blowing another £10 on seeing the exact same film that I hated seeing the first time around but with 9 minutes of extra footage and a Na’vi sex scene? I’ve got a better idea! Why don’t you fuck off until you make another movie as good as Terminator 2?”

That’s 2010 folks! Comment on my choices below and follow me. It’s been a great year and I promise lots of exciting stuff in 2011! Have a great New Year!

Screen One's Worst Films Of 2010 Part 1

2010-12-31T14:17:00.002Z

Welcome back! Or if you are just joining me for the first time, hello there! And welcome to my last blog posts of 2010! As promised, I’m going to present to you three of the worst films of 2010. These are split into three categories: Worst Film, Worst Film That I Haven’t Actually Seen But I Can Tell Will Be Utter Shit Just From Watching The Trailer (you couldn’t pay me enough to watch the winner) and Anti-Film of the Year which isn’t the worst film but it does represent everything that’s wrong with modern filmmaking.

Now that that’s been listed, here come the “winners”!

Worst Film
The Lovely Bones
Director: Peter Jackson
Starring: Saoirse Ronan, Mark Wahlberg, Tucci
Original Rating: 1/5 (Not Reviewed)

I was previously all set to give this to Prince of Persia (which’ll have to do with a Dishonourable Mention), but then I remember that I saw The Lovely Bones this year and that it came out in the UK this year and that it was utter utter utter tripe and I knew that this would be my worst film of the year by a country mile.

But before I begin to tear into this movie, I’d like to give praise to Stanley Tucci. Whilst his character may have written absolutely dreadfully, he at least plays a serial killer really well. He’s believably creepy and arresting whenever he’s on screen, and I think that if it weren’t for him I would’ve blown my brains out whilst watching this film. So, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to take Mr. Tucci and I’m going to put him in a nice protective bubble and I’m going to put that bubble in a nice, safe place away from everything nasty I’m about to say about this film. So, Mr. Tucci, don’t worry. You were great! Nothing I’m about to say reflects badly on you. OK? Good.

And we shall begin the murder in 3… 2… 1…

OK, so, where to start with The Lovely Bones? Simply put, there is nothing good about this movie (except Stanley Tucci)! I know, I’ll start with the acting. Not a single person in this movie can act, and if they can act they are trying their damndest to pretend they can’t. Mark Wahlberg is a decent dramatic actor, The Fighter and The Departed prove this, and yet here he seems incapable of showing any emotion. I’ve no idea where Saoirse Ronan keeps getting praise from because she looks, sounds and acts like a bored cashier. Rachel Weiz is, well, Rachel Weiz so I hate her anyway. And Reece Ritchie literally seems to have been cast due to his ability to stare longingly into the middle distance whilst looking good. Barf!

The visuals are horrible. When Susie (Ronan’s character) is finally killed, I say finally because it takes a bloody age to get there, she goes to this place called “The In-Between”. It’s meant to be a wonderful and magical place filled with whimsy and… er… wonder. It’s not. It’s so obviously fake and so pathetically half assed that every second the film spends there I feel myself slowly falling asleep. I’ve seen more visually arresting branches of Asda.

But everything is just a starter course leading up to the disaster of a main course called the story/screenplay/script/whatever! The dialogue is turgid existential nonsense. A choice example: “I wasn't lost, or frozen, or gone... I was alive; I was alive in my own perfect world.” No? How about: “There was one thing my murderer didn't understand; he didn't understand how much a father could love his child.” And then there are the decision making skills of everyone in this film. Here are some of the thought processes that are obviously going through the minds of some characters during this film.

“It’s my neighbour who I don’t know very well and take lots of pictures of like a creepy stalker! We’re in a field in the middle of nowhere at the dead of night. He wants me to come into his underground den with him. I don’t see any harm in that!”

“My daughter’s just died. She obviously didn’t kill herself so she must’ve been murdered! There must be a clue to her killer on all of these old film rolls from when she took 90 gazillion photos! I’ll get them developed! But instead of doing them all at once, I’ll honour a stupid, shitty agreement that we made when she was alive to only develop 2 every month despite the fact that it would be much quicker to develop them all at once and she’d obviously prefer me to find the killer some time this Millennium!”

“I’ve just escaped from the killer’s house! I have evidence that he murdered my sister! He’s obviously going to flee the town! I need to get this to my family and the police at once! But my mum’s back! This is obviously way more important and I need to drop everything and let a known killer get away!”

And then there’s the end death. If you’ve seen the film, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

But the thing that pushes this above Prince of Persia in the worst films is the fact that it just does not end! It goes on and on and on and on and on and on and blargh! At least Prince Of Persia had the decency to let its boredom end before the 2 hour mark. The Lovely Bones comes in at 136 minutes which, to borrow a phrase from Mark Kermode, is only 5 minutes shorter than 2001: A Space Odyssey and we go from annoying bratty girl whose stupid and unhappy to annoying bratty girl whose stupid and now dead. I apologise if you thought this was going to be balanced and restrained but I’ve never been as hate filled, as angry and as incensed as when I watched The Lovely Bones.

Seriously, eff this movie!

Dishonourable Mention
Prince Of Persia: The Sands Of Time
Original Rating: 1/5 (22nd May)

Just read my review. I’m not prepared to waste my time and your time summing up the points of it in the space of 50 words. Just read the review.

Oh dear, I appear to have wasted too much time on the first award. I’m gonna need another blog post. Comment on The Lovely Bones below, follow me and join me in a couple of hours for the other two awards.

Screen One's Top 10 Non-Pixar Films Of 2010: Number 1

2010-12-30T17:37:00.004Z

This is it. The big moment. What film could possibly beat Inception to number 1? The Number 1 Non-Pixar Movie Of 2010 is...

Bahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! I'm just messing with ya! The real number 1 is...
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Director: Edgar Wright
Starring: Michael Cera, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kieran Culkin
Original Rating: 4/5 (August 28th)

Nothing else really had a chance.

Before all of the haters start riding the anti-Pilgrim train to shout me down for daring to call Scott Pilgrim the Film Of The Year, let me clarify something. Yes, Inception is the better pure quality movie. I’m not entirely certain as to what it is that makes it the better movie. It has that certain je no qua that the best movies have and that’s what makes it stand out from the rest. Inception is the better pure quality, better made, better mainstream movie.

But Scott Pilgrim is my number one film regardless. And it is for one reason. And that’s not because it’s the more memorable, more funny, more entertaining film and is the most amount of fun I’ve had all year.

I would like to point out that the books are better. Obviously they are. After all, Bryan Lee O’Malley had 6 volumes to tell his story. Edgar Wright had just under 2 hours and some stuff got cut. I understand and I can live with that. I also understand that some people will have seen Scott Pilgrim and hated it. I’m fine with that too. And to those people who hate Scott Pilgrim because they hate the target audience, well, this article puts you in your place better than I ever could .

But you know what? I don’t care. Scott Pilgrim is my film of the year for one reason.

It’s not the acting. Although that definitely helps. Michael Cera finally stopped playing Michael Cera (a.k.a. Perfect in every way except the fact that he’s awkward) and played someone with depth and multiple layers and who is, quite frankly, a bit of an arsehole. Mary Elizabeth Winstead is absolutely ace as Ramona. Keiran Culkin steals the whole film as Wallace. Alison Pill has a great acting career in front of her if her role as Kim is anything to go by. And every single evil ex is perfectly cast.

It’s not the hilarious writing. Although that most definitely helps. The lines are absolutely brilliant and memorable and I’ve been quoting basically the whole damn movie for the entire year now. It’s that quotable. I nearly collapsed due to the amount of laughter I got from some of the more surreal fight sequences and excellent lines. It’s the funniest film that I’ve seen in the last 16 years of my life.

It’s not the inventiveness. Although that certainly helps. Whilst Hollywood feels the need to milk franchises for all they’re worth , churn out samey dull identikit romcoms that appeal to the lowest common denominator, and green light Michael Bay movies; here was a film with more originality than most films released in the last decade. Daring to do something different and, for a film that mostly revolves around fight scenes, making each fight even crazier and different to the one that came before it.

No. Scott Pilgrim is my film of the year because it is MY film.

Whilst watching this movie, it felt as if Edgar Wright and Bryan Lee O’Malley peered into my brain, had a rummage around and made a movie based on what was going on there. All of those years I had spent memorising pop culture and videogames, and here was a movie that actively rewarded me for wasting my life! The huge smiles began with that Universal logo (possibly ripped from Crash Bandicoot) and the 8-Bit rendition of the theme. And it only got better from there. The Zelda theme, level ups, Seinfeld references, River City Ransom, the Serious Sam logo and, yes, THAT K.O.

The film captured my mood and my feelings at the time that I went to go see it. Ask any film critic what their favourite film of all time is and if they say something like Citizen Kane, To Kill A Mockingbird or ; slap them around the face because they are most certainly lying. If they are telling the truth; they’ll say something like Space Jam, Tron or Star Wars (the first ones, obviously). Why? Because that, for them, was the film that came along at the perfect time in their lives and mirrored how they felt on screen and captured their imagination. OK, maybe not Space Jam but you get the idea. They may not be perfect films, they may not even be films that most other people would call good, but they are the perfect film for them that came along at the perfect time for them.

And that’s why Scott Pilgrim is my Favourite Non-Pixar Film Of 2010, and quite possibly my Favourite Non-Pixar Film Of All Time. It’s the perfect film for me that arrived at the perfect time. If it had arrived 5 years ago, I may have still really liked it. If it arrived 10 years later, I may have still enjoyed it. But it arrived now, and I absolutely love it. The stellar acting, crazy inventiveness and whip-sharp humour are just the icing on the cake. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is my Non-Pixar Film Of 2010.

Nothing else really had a chance.

Go ahead! Castrate me! Scream that I have no taste and my list is all wrong! I don't care! Scott Pilgrim is my Non-Pixar Film Of 2010. Whether you agree or disagree, hit the comments below and voice your opinions! Follow me whilst you're at it.

Anyways, I know what you all came here to see. You want to know what I thought were the worst films of 2010, don't you? Well come back tomorrow as I close out 2010 in style with three of the most putrid and vile pieces of celluloid masquerading as entertainment!

Screen One's Top 10 Non-Pixar Films Of 2010: 2] Inception

2010-12-30T13:19:00.005Z

Inception
Director: Christopher Nolan
Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page
Original Rating: 5/5 (7th August)

You really don’t know how hard it was for me to choose between Inception and The Social Network for number 2. They are both near-perfect films. They are both better than the detractors suggest. They are both textbook examples of how to make a stellar modern day movie. And they are both quite possibly the finest things that their directors have ever done.

So why Inception over The Social Network? Simple. I went into The Social Network expecting greatness. David Fincher is one of my favourite directors and anything less than greatness from him is just unacceptable for me. When I went into Inception, I only expected what I expect from all other films that I go see, a good movie. I’d seen and loved The Dark Knight and Batman Begins but I wasn’t that familiar beforehand with Christopher Nolan’s other work (rest assured, I’ve remedied that). Therefore I just expected a good sci-fi film from the director of The Dark Knight. What I got was so much more.

Inception is one of those rare films that remember that being clever does not give you a free pass out of plot holes and mistakes. Everything in the film sticks to the ground rules laid out during the first act. There is never a cop out or Deus Ex Machina involved in this movie. If they get out of a sticky situation, it’s from the rules of the universe they inhabit that was explained earlier on. In a world of film where our heroes get out of problems just by a last second save or some other cheesy cliché, this is exceptionally refreshing.

Inception is not, according to popular belief, complicated. It’s just complex. So long as you pay really close attention during the first hour and trust that everything will make sense by the 3rd act, you’ll get the basic gist of the film. And if you don’t there are loads of ace action sequences to keep you glued and interested.

Now I have a problem. Anything more I write about Inception is likely to be said by a million other people and said better than I can. I mean, it’s got to be on almost all of your end of year lists at some point hasn’t it? Everything that can be said about Inception has already been said and, statistically, if you are a movie fan you’ve seen it at least once. So you already know if you love it and I’m not going to change your mind.

So to kill time, here’s that trailer again. You might say I’m slacking. You might say that I can’t be arsed. You might call it a cop out. I call it efficiency!

That trailer is my reasoning behind Inception being in my list in a nutshell. If you haven’t seen it, that trailer should have convinced you. If you don’t like it, well I was hardly going to change your mind, was I?

So Inception is number 2! What do you think of Inception? Like it? Love it? Really love it? Or, somehow, not like it? What on earth could the number one film be!!!? Hit the comments and let me know! Follow me and join me on my blog in a couple of hours for the NUMBER 1 NON-PIXAR FILM OF 2010!

Screen One's Top 10 Non-Pixar Films Of 2010: 3] The Social Network

2010-12-29T14:56:00.004Z

The Social Network

Director: David Fincher

Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Andrew Garfield, Justin Timberlake

Original Rating: 5/5 (31st October)

Don’t listen to the pre-release detractors: It’s not The Facebook Movie. It’s better than that.

Quite possibly the best thing that director David Fincher has ever done (and in a career featuring such films as Se7en and Fight Club, that carries a lot of weight), The Social Network is a compelling study into human behaviour and how far people are willing to go in order to come out on top. It just so happens that the macguffin used for this study is Facebook.

Written for the screen by the legendary Aaron Sorkin and based on a book of which 90% of the contents may or may not be bullshit, The Social Network is one of those rare films where no action scenes occur and yet it is still gripping and interesting. More so than 96% of the last 15 years of summer blockbusters. This is due to 3 main factors.

Factor number 1: David Fincher’s direction.

There is a scene near the beginning of the movie where Mark Zuckerberg is creating a website called FaceMash where the boys at Harvard can rate hot girls on campus. He’s live-blogging his progress as he does it and the resulting traffic is slowly crashing Harvard’s servers. The amount of tension coming from the fact that Mark could be caught at any time is actually quite shocking. Typing in lines of code is just as edge-of-your-seat inducing as those bits in horror movies where the serial killer stalks his victim. And during more talky bits, the fast paced editing makes the banter that quicker and sharper.

Factor number 2: Aaron Sorkin’s screenplay.

What can I say other than “Wow”? There are times in this film that it stops being a drama and turns into a comedy because of the amount of absolutely killer lines thrown around by the characters. Everything that everyone says is in their well-constructed character, everything that everyone does is in their well-constructed character and there are no moments where you think “Why are they doing this?” Because Sorkin paints all of these characters as pricks (with the slight exception of Eduardo, though he’s also flawed) but always have a point in their arguments.

In another rare moment for biopics, the quick pace of both the dialogue and events means that it’s never boring. There is a speed and urgency in this movie that’s usually reserved for big budget action movies. Sorkin wants to entertain and his impeccable screenplay does this. If he doesn’t win Best Adapted Screenplay, I’m going to punch a horse! Why? I don’t know! I’ll just need to take my anger out on something!

Factor number 3: The impeccable acting.

Jesse Eisenberg: Originally considered a poor man’s Michael Cera. After playing Mark Zuckerberg with such skill, slimeyness, wit and the sense of tragedy (the idea that he just became corrupted by his lust for power and success and it drove away all of his friends) such a comparison will never be made again.

Andrew Garfield: Completely outstanding. He imbues Eduardo with the goodness required to make the audience sympathise with him perfectly, whilst also making his big weaknesses (being too trusting and having no backbone) not seem too farfetched or hair tearing. Basically, he’s ace. It’s a shame that his career is about to hit a brick wall.

Armie Hammer: What is with dual roles that make actors significantly step up their game? Armie Hammer has delivered his calling card with his role as the Winklevoss twins in this film (I know that he’s starred in other films, but this is the first good one!). They are so hateable and so perfectly despicable. And yet, when they do sue Mark you can see where they’re coming from. Armie’s scene with the president of Harvard is also the best in the movie.

Justin Timberlake: Folks, I think it’s time. Thanks to Justin Timberlake’s performance in this film, we have to admit that he really is the Triple Threat (Singer, Dancer, Actor) and good at all three. I really can’t put how good he is into words and be able to do it justice. When he debuts in the film about an hour in, you can feel the film just be slightly more lifeless when he’s not on screen. He needs to be nominated for Best Supporting Actor at least (although his work in Yogi Bear may have cost him it)!

It’s those three factors that make The Social Network as great as it is. Just like Inception, it’s a cinematic masterclass in how to direct a modern day film. Every single element, from the performances to the script to the score to the direction, comes together to create an almost perfect movie. It’s better than the sum of its parts and it is much better than simply being The Facebook Movie. You cannot say that you have seen the best films of 2010 without having seen The Social Network. Rectify that!

The Social Network is in the top 3. Too high? Too low? Think you've got it sussed out what number 1 is? Head to the comments and let me know! Follow me and join me tomorrow for the two best films of 2010. Clue: One of them is Inception.

Screen One's Top 10 Non-Pixar Films Of 2010: 4] Kick-Ass

2010-12-29T10:41:00.004Z

Kick-Ass
Director: Matthew Vaughn

Starring: Aaron Johnson, Chloe Moretz, Nicholas Cage

Original Rating: 5/5 (Not Reviewed)

Sometimes I get a pleasant surprise. Whether it’s Secret Girlfriend slowly becoming really watchable as the series went on, going to a packed out cinema to see Scott Pilgrim for the 2nd time and everybody erupting in laughter at exactly the same time I did, or being absolutely correct on my hunch that Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland would suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck; I like a nice surprise. And Kick-Ass was a very nice surprise.

Released at the end of March with very little fanfare, Kick-Ass was not shown at my local VUE cinemas. So instead, after much begging, I trekked off down to Cleethorpes cinema (it really is the closest cinema outside of Scunthorpe) to see it. I was hoping for a funny and interesting superhero comedy from the director of Layer Cake. What I instead got was a consistently funny, consistently impressive, consistently shocking and consistently entertaining action comedy from the director of Layer Cake.

Any promotion that Kick-Ass got came from the fact that it features an 11 year old girl murdering people and saying words that get most kids her age sent straight to hell. Predictably, the media latched onto this and Kick-Ass was being derided by everyone because of it, even those who hadn’t seen it. I have two arguments to send these critics away. 1] In the comics, she’s much younger. 2] That’s the whole joke! Kick-Ass satirises the superhero genre by taking it to the extreme conclusion. The idea of a sweet and innocent looking girl being a cold and hardened killer is made fun of and she’s given enough childlike innocence moments in the film to make it so that when she takes down an entire corridor of armed thugs by herself it becomes funnier and more unnerving.

Whilst Chloe Moretz as Hit Girl steals the entire movie (and unfortunately became the centre of a massive media shit storm), it very sadly undermines the extremely good work put in by everyone else. Aaron Johnson continues his insanely promising young career with a brilliant understated performance as Kick-Ass. Christopher Mintz-Plasse finally shakes off his McLovin persona as Red Mist. Mark Strong (despite being the bad guy in what seems like EVERYTHING nowadays) is hilarious as Frank D’Amico and nails a mob boss caricature perfectly. And then there’s Nicholas Cage whose performance as Big Daddy ALMOST makes up for Bangkok Dangerous.

The action sequences are huge and don’t at all look like they cost $28 million to make (taking notes are you, James Cameron?). Stand out highlights include Hit Girl’s solo run down the corridor, Nicholas Cage slaughtering people left, right and centre during the warehouse scene, Hit Girl’s strobe assault on the warehouse and Kick-Ass’ first successful clumsy fight. All of them are ace and most are ridiculously bad ass.

The humour is there too. There are some great running gags (like Kick-Ass being assumed to be gay for reasons that are much more amusing to watch rather than have me tell you) and some great throw-away lines (Dexter Fletcher begging for his life during a gruesome death and Hit Girl just casually going “What a douche!”). The humour is what gives Kick-Ass the edge over other superhero films this year because it becomes great fun! Its unwillingness to take itself overly seriously (I include the overly because there’s one ace scene where it all stops being a laugh and gets very serious for a moment) is what makes it the most original and most refreshing superhero movie in yonks.

Kick-Ass was my favourite film of the year for about 4 whole months before it became unseated by Toy Story 3. This is no insult. Kick-Ass is insanely funny, stupidly brilliant and simply ace. Not a single person who I’ve talked to has not loved Kick-Ass and the cinema I went to see it in enjoyed every second of it. It thoroughly deserves its place on this list and I hope the sequel doesn’t balls things up. (Do you get it? Cos the sequel’s called Balls To The Wall! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ha! Ha...! H... WHY WON’T YOU LAUGH!!?)

Kick-Ass is number 4. Did you like it? Or did you... er... not like it? Failed to see what all of the fuss was about with regards to Hit-Girl? Sound off in the comments section below! Follow me and join me back here in a couple of hours for number 3!

Screen One's Top 10 Non-Pixar Films Of 2010: 5] Exam

2010-12-28T13:13:00.002Z

Exam
Director: Stuart Hazeldine
Starring: Jimi Mistry, Luke Malby, Colin Salmon
Original Rating: 4/5 (Not Reviewed)

Exam is a benefactor of the loophole that I announced in the intro. Said loophole was this:

“I can only include movies that were released in the UK in 2010.”

Exam was created in 2008, made its festival debut in 2009 but it wasn’t until January 8th 2010 that it was released into UK cinemas. Therefore, it gets included. So there’s your 2nd biggest question cleared up.

Now for your biggest question: “What the hell is Exam?” Exam is a no budget, British thriller written and directed by first time director Stuart Hazeldine. The premise involves 8 candidates being led into a room for the final exam for an unspecified dream job. Once in, the Invigilator (Colin Salmon who I really wish would star in more films) sets them a series of rules of which breaking any one of them equals instant disqualification. Said rules are:

1] "If you try to communicate with myself or the guard, you will be disqualified."

2] "If you spoil your paper, intentionally or accidentally, you will be disqualified."

3] "If you choose to leave this room for any reason, you will be disqualified."

They are then given 80 minutes to answer one question, but then they turn over the paper to find out that (DUHN DUHN DUHHHHNN!!!) it’s blank. And why is the guard watching them armed? And what’s with the lights? And what about the canteen services?! Those are some of the questions that the candidates attempt to figure out as they co-operate, whilst not so secretly plotting to stab each other in the back.

The film takes place in real time, so if there is only one complaint that I have is that there is occasional bits of dead air. Sections where nothing really happens and it feels a bit like the film is killing time. But I’m able to let that slide when I remember the story and how ingenious it is. You may be able to see some of the plot twists coming, but definitely not all of them meaning the film is able to keep you on your toes the entire way through. (And for the record, some people may think that reveal of the question was rubbish, I thought it was ingenious).

The acting is spot on too. But there is one absolute standout that I must mention. Luke Malby, who plays White, is simply superb. He distils every single hateable Apprentice buffoon and their very worst characteristics into one detestable, disgusting vile human being who you just want to see get his comeuppance. Jimi Mistry, who plays Brown, is also suitably slimy and bastardy whilst Nathalie Cox, who plays Blonde, is also great.

I can’t really say much more for fear of spoiling it, but you need to watch Exam. It may get cheesy towards the end, and it may drag in the middle, but Exam is a thoroughly gripping and thoroughly clever thriller that you really need to see regardless of whether or not you think it’s any good. Boot it up on LoveFilm, Netflix... whatever. If you are a fan of smart and clever thrillers with great acting, some killer twists and a gripping premise, then watch Exam. You won’t regret it.

Has anybody seen Exam? What did you all think of it? Still waiting for "decent films that I've seen"? Hit the comments below and chat. Follow me and be sure to check back on my blog tomorrow for films 4 and 3!

Screen One's Top 10 Non-Pixar Films Of 2010: 6] Iron Man 2

2010-12-28T10:19:00.004Z

Iron Man 2
Director: Jon Favreu
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, Don Cheadle
Original Rating: 4/5 (9th May)

I like it. I don’t care what you all say. I like it. Many common complaints against Iron Man 2 are that it felt like a 2 and a bit hour advertisement for The Avengers movie (due out in 2012) and that it was basically the original all over again.

My response is that those complainers are forgetting something. The one thing that warrants its inclusion on this list. Scarlett Johansson... I mean; the fact that IT’S FUN! Hell, it’s the 2nd most amount of pure fun I’ve had in cinemas all year!

Yes, it won’t be as good as the original. But you wanna know why? Because the original was a huge shocker. Nobody had expected it to be any good and most people thought it would just be a big brainless superhero movie with a load of big budget action scenes and a washed up actor playing the hero. Instead, we got the 2nd best superhero movie of the last 5 years of the 00’s (*coughTheDarkNightcough*) and a film that re-launched Robert Downey Jr. as a viable leading man, a comic tour-de-force and a great actor all at once.

So the original’s element of surprise is gone. And Iron Man 2 attempts to combat this by throwing everything into the movie. More villains, more sub-plots, more good guys, more humour and bigger action scenes. For the most part, it’s an overwhelming success. Whilst there may be one or two too many plot lines; the majority are all given equal screen time, all are just as entertaining and interesting and most are given closure by the time the film wraps up.

There are not one, not two, but three villains for Tony to contend with this time around and all are a hell of a lot better than Iron Monger from the first film (sorry, Jeff Bridges). Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke) makes the most of when he’s on screen by chewing the scenery and being a suitable opponent for Tony Stark. Justin Hammer (a show stealing Sam Rockwell) quite frankly rules, despite not doing much, and his scenes with Stark make for some of the best scenes in the movie. And then there is, arguably, Tony Stark himself, who is on a downward spiral thanks to the fact that the core he built to keep him alive is slowly poisoning him and causing him to act out.

Robert Downey Jr. basically owns the whole damn movie. His verbal sparring sessions with his assistant Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow continuing to be the nuclear for Downey’s missile... that sounded really wrong. I suck at this) are the sort of thing that you get in a great comedy movie and both Downey and Paltrow have necessary wits and skill to make the improve sections sound meticulously planned and effortless. Whilst I’m on the subject, the Senate hearing sequence is one of the funniest scenes I’ve seen all year. You know which one.

The action scenes are, for the most part, are vastly improved. The Monaco fight sequence is actually tense and the standoff with Iron Man and War Machine duelling with Hammer’s robots is every bit as badass in practise as it sounds on paper as is Black Widow clearing out an entire buildings worth of guards without breaking a sweat (and features the greatest way to die, ever!). Only the final showdown against Vanko disappoints (even though it does include a great joke).

Yes, it may be a two hour advert for The Avengers. But I don’t see it like that. Do you know what I call it? Fan service. Comic book fans will be pouring over every single detail and every single clue that will lead them to the upcoming Avengers movie and the end of credits scene gave them (and me) a great big nerdgasm in excitement. Allow me to transcribe what my exact thought was, “Holy shit! This is actually happening!!”

The only complaint I have with Iron Man 2 is that it can be, at times, too much like the original. But the original is ace, and since it’s like the original that’s not really too much of a complaint. I think I’ll leave the final reason to my Dad though. Whenever he sees a film, he will always come out and say “It was alright” regardless of its quality. But when he saw Iron Man 2, he came out and said “That was a really good film”. So it makes the list not only for being a great superhero sequel, but also for finally getting my dad to say something different upon leaving the cinema. Well done Iron Man!

Iron Man 2, then. Did you love it? Loathe it? Wondering where your favourite movie is? Hit the comments below and I ensure that I'll reply, cos I'm nice like that. Follow me and join me on my blog in a few hours for number 5!

Screen One's Top 10 Non-Pixar Films Of 2010: 7] Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 1

2010-12-27T17:34:00.006Z

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 1

Director: David Yates

Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint

Original Rating: 4/5 (23rd November)

I know. I know. “A Harry Potter film on a list of the Top 10 Best Non-Pixar Films Of The Year? What madness is this!?” And if you had told me that before I saw HP&TDHPt1, I would’ve had the same reaction. But after seeing it, I had no doubt in my mind that this would be included on my list. It’s the most daring, most creative, most entertaining and best Harry Potter film yet that puts all other films in its genre released this year (and quite a lot of films released in 2010) to shame.

And, yes, I really did put daring in that last sentence. It, in this case, means risk-taking. I know that the Potter haters out there are going to snort at that remark and I don’t blame them. Before this film, the same structure for every single Potter film would take place. Opening outside of Hogwarts, Harry warned not to go but goes anyway, gets to Hogwarts, school year ever so slowly goes by, big fight scene and revelation, sad ending with some hope. Instead, this film eschews Hogwarts completely, in favour of a countryside apparition trip. There is a reason for that (Harry, Ron and Hermione are on the run) and they make much more sense and are much better in context.

Also gone are the huge menagerie of extra characters that the trio interact with. Any spare characters get about 4 scenes, tops. For most of the film, it’s just the three heroes on their own. They are stuck wandering around the countryside, not even sure exactly what they are looking for. I think I’m underselling it, to be honest, since you’ll be amazed as to just how interesting the film ended up being. Sure, it drags a bit in the second act but all Potter films do! It’s the way of the world!

Since they take up almost 9/10 of the entire run time, it’s a damn good thing that Daniel, Rupert and Emma are up to the tasking of carrying the movie. They have come on in strides since the misfires of the first two films. The trio have great chemistry and play off each other well enough to make me believe in their relationships. They have bags of charisma and even when they’re given a clunky monologue to perform they manage to make it... er... not suck as bad as it could’ve.

The dialogue is better (except for the aforementioned clunky monologue). The action sequences occur a bit more often so as not to bore you senseless (and are also much better directed), including a show stealing Ministry Of Magic set-piece. There’s genuine tension and a nice selection of cheerier moments to keep things from becoming too depressing. And then there’s the storybook style telling of the creation of the titular Deathly Hallows, which I love to death.

I actually think that my enjoyment of Deathly Hallows Part 1 was boosted because I marathoned the previous 6 films before seeing it. So any complaints mostly get tossed aside as irrelevant, because they have always been in the Harry Potter series. Occasionally clunky dialogue? Check! A second act that drags slightly? Check! An overreliance on jump scares to build tension? MOTHERFUCKIN SNAKES!! So that’s a check! Deus Ex Machinas? Well, apparition has now been fully integrated into the Potter universe, so I’m going to say no!

Because the film took loads of risks that was something far too uncommon previously in the franchise, has better acting and kept me interested the entire way through, Deathly Hallows Part 1 is the best in the entire series. A series that has proven, over time, to be a consistently strong fantasy series in its own right (assuming you ignore the first two). If you need any more justification as to why this film deserves its place on the list, digest this fact. When I left the cinema, Part 2 suddenly jumped into my Most Anticipated Films Of 2011 list.

Not bad for what is, effectively, a 2 ½ hour set up movie.

Did The Deathly Hallows Part 1 work wonders for you? Disappointed that it didn't rank higher? Disappointed about it altogether? As always, let me know in the comments! Follow me and I'll see you back on my blog tomorrow for position numbers 6 and 5!

Screen One's Top 10 Non-Pixar Films Of 2010: 8] MacGruber

2010-12-27T15:56:00.003Z

MacGruber
Director: Jorma Taccone
Starring: Will Forte, Kristen Wiig, Ryan Philleppe
Original Rating: 4/5 (Not Reviewed)

Much like another film that I will talk about later on in this list, MacGruber wasn’t really given a chance. And I don’t blame you for thinking that. After all, when I say “Feature length version of a Saturday Night Live sketch” most of us British folk would reply with this. “What the hell is Saturday Night Live?” And when I ask the same questions to you movie buffs and Americans, the first things you think of are not Wayne’s World and The Blues Brothers, are they? You think of things like The Ladies Man, It’s Pat and Blues Brothers 2000, don’t you?

And then there’s the fact that it’s a 90 minute movie that’s based on a one joke sketch that parodies the 80s TV show, MacGyver. And that they promoted it by guest hosting WWE RAW. You were more in the mood for seeing Iron Man 2 again for the 90 time, weren’t you? Don’t worry. I’m not going to hold it against you. But, regardless, you still need to see MacGruber. Why? Because it is damn damn funny!

This might not seem like a big selling point but have you seen what 2010 had to offer in pure comedy stakes? Tooth Fairy! Cop Out! You Again! Why Did I Get Married Too?!! A comedy movie that is actually funny was quite hard to come by in 2010. But the funny ones were raucously funny, and MacGruber is raucously funny. There are 2 main reasons for this.

The first is that it channels the old Airplane style of humour. Parodies of classic films with random bits of humour and killer lines. There are much worse styles of humour to rip off and, fortunately, the writers have got it spot on so that rarely a minute goes by without something funny happening.

But here’s the real reason: Will Forte. This man will do anything to get a laugh. Shove a celery up his ass for a distraction (thick end first, obviously)? He’ll do it! Beg to suck Ryan Phillippe’s cock in order to recruit him? He’ll do it! Act as if he’s just been castrated when his mullet is cut? He’ll do it! Take part in not one, but TWO of the most uncomfortable and hilarious sex scenes since Team America? He’ll do it! Whatever it takes, whatever taboo needs to be broken and however humiliating and demeaning to him it may be; Will Forte just wants to make you laugh. And it’s this eagerness that makes the film much funnier than it initially suggests.

Val Kilmer also helps as he hams the living daylights out of the film as Dieter Von Cunth. Kristen Wigg gets several great moments (notably a coffee shop scene), Ryan Phillippe appears to have gone to the Will Forte school of comedy with a similar determiness to get some laughter out of you. Whilst the cameos from WWE wrestlers gave me particular joy (though most of them should definitely stick to wrestling).

I can’t say much more about MacGruber, to be honest, because it’s a great comedy. And when you talk about great comedies, it’s hard to really talk about them properly as you get worried about ruining some of the best jokes. And there is only so long you can go “Then there’s this ace bit” before it gets boring. So, all I can really say is to see MacGruber. I don’t hold it against you for writing it off before seeing it, but give it a chance now. It’s the funniest pure comedy of 2010.

I know that you're already sharpening up the pitchforks and lighting up the torches at this entry. But are there any MacGruber supporters out there? Anybody agree? Want to chastise me for not having seen Four Lions? Or guess what my number one film is? Throw your comments below, cos I'll respond to each and every one of them with only fleeting amounts of sarcasm. Follow me and check back here in a couple of hours for my number 7 slot.

Screen One's Top 10 Non-Pixar Films Of 2010: 9] Restrepo

2010-12-26T14:07:00.003Z

Restrepo: Outpost Afghanistan

Original Score: 4/5 (Not Reviewed)

I’m not usually a fan of feature length documentaries, it has to be said. So for Restrepo to even gain my attention enough to make me even consider watching it, let alone make it one of my top 10 films of the year, is high praise indeed. Then the fact that I watched it and loved it is a testament to the sheer brilliance and risks that this documentary takes.

Restrepo is a documentary about the 173rd Airborne Brigade Combat Team that was sent into Afghanistan in 2009. That’s it. Restrepo is refreshing because there is nothing going on under the surface. There are no political messages, no thoughtful studies on following orders, no criticism of how the team have been ordered. It’s literally just a documentary about a military unit in Afghanistan and what it’s like to be stationed there over 15 hellish months.

Nothing much happens in Restrepo. Nothing that you’re probably expecting, anyway. There are no big multi-scale battles. There are no conflicts of interest in any of the soldiers. They make no big push against the Taliban nor do they bring down an entire army of them. There are no heroic sacrifices. There isn’t even a lot of fighting. This is just war. Not war stripped back to its barest essentials. Just war, today. This will most definitely turn a lot of people off of Restrepo, as their perception of war is slowly deconstructed with every single second that passes.

I said in the top paragraph that risks are taken in this documentary, and this is true. You see, most of the big fighting is not actually shown. It is instead recounted by the soldiers and their personal views of what happened. Contrary to popular belief, this is actually much more affecting than seeing the action up close and personal. Your mind is allowed to dream up what it looks like, and it can often be much worse in your mind than what actually happens.

It starts off a great film, but then Operation: Rock Avalanche occurs and the film then becomes amazing. I can’t say anymore because otherwise I will spoil it, but the best and most affecting moment is when the reality of war sets in hard for one of the men and his reaction is one of the saddest things I have seen all year.

It’s hard hitting and pulls no punches. It’s interesting and informative. It’s the best documentary I’ve ever seen and giving it a place in my Top 10 Non-Pixar Films Of The Year was one of the easiest decisions I’ve had to make when compiling the list. You need to see Restrepo. There is genuinely nothing else like it.

Seen Restrepo? Reckon it's as good as I say? Think I've talked it up too much? Sign off in the comments below. Join me again tomorrow for positions 8 and 7!

Screen One's Top 10 Non-Pixar Films Of 2010: 10] Tron Legacy

2010-12-26T12:46:00.005Z

Since the dawn of time, mankind has had a profound fascination for the moving image and the world of story and imagination. Everybody who watched these “movies” had some kind of opinion on them and everyone would voice it. Things have changed through the ages, with the most notable addition being the creation of “the internet”. But everyone has still conformed to the same time honoured tradition of putting their favourite “movies” of the year into lists. I am no different. And so it is with that laboriously long winded introduction that I present to you The Screen One Top 10 Films Of 2010 Besides Toy Story 3!

Believe it or not, 2010 has actually been a damn damn good year for movies. We’ve had the return of big dumb action movies, a movie about Facebook that wasn’t crap, the conclusion of the greatest trilogy in the history of cinema, the beginning of the end for the biggest movie franchise of the last decade, a sequel to the biggest geek film of all time and one of the most powerful documentaries I’ve ever seen. But now, it’s time for me to compile these into my 10 favourite.

A couple of things that I’d like to note. First off, I am only able to include films that I have seen. So whilst films like Ponyo, Four Lions and Shutter Island sound like great films, I haven’t seen them so, sadly, I can’t include them on the list. Secondly, I can only include films that have been released in the UK in 2010. So no Black Swan, no The Fighter, no 127 Hours and basically no Oscar bait movies that came out in the last couple of months in America and look really interesting. Lastly, I’m not restricting myself to films that I’ve reviewed. Partially because it would be a very short list that would feature a lot of crap, but mostly because there are some ace films that I haven’t talked about that need showing.

Oh, and there is no Toy Story 3 on this list. It’s not only an unfair advantage on every other film released this year (it’s just THAT GOOD) but it is also so good that such mortal and trivial lists don’t do that film justice! So, in case you need reminding, Toy Story 3 is the Film Of The Year but I’m counting down the 10 Best Non-Pixar Films Of The Year.

It’s been tough to put together and decide positions in a non-Toy Story 3 list, and some great films had to be cut. You may not agree with the list, but, as Stuttering Craig says, that’s what makes it such a good list. Let’s get cracking!
Tron: Legacy
Director: Joseph Kosinski
Starring: Jeff Bridges, Garrett Hedlund, Olivia Wilde

It was never going to be as good as the original. Of course it can’t! The original Tron is like Chuck Norris, talked up to being way better than it actually is. When people talk about how great the original Tron is, they do have a point. At the time the special effects were world leading (and are still impressive today), Jeff Bridges leaped onto everyone’s radar with an excellent performance and it, whilst very cheesy, is great fun seeing as it never took itself seriously. But the thing that people forget when they big up Tron is that it’s not actually that good. The story is a bit pap, some of the acting is decidedly dodgy, the ending is sudden and quite rubbish and there are a lot of bad pacing issues.

So of course it was never going to be as good as the original. But Tron: Legacy is arguably the better movie. Why? Because it fixes nearly every single problem with the original and becomes a sequel that is more than capable of living up to its legacy (please shoot me for that pun).

Let’s go through each of the original’s problems and see how they’ve been fixed then. First off, Acting. Much better all round. Jeff Bridges is doubly ace as both Flynn and Clu, but of course you already knew that. Garrett Hedlund has the leading man thing down to a tee and should have a great career playing Sam Worthington roles with depth and emotions (in case you’re wondering, this is a good thing in my book). Olivia Wilde shows promise in her very limited role and Michael Sheen... I think I summed up everything I need to say about him in my review.

The ending. Without wishing to spoil anything, it’s much better. It may set up for a sequel(s) but at least it doesn’t just suddenly happen. It’s preceded by a superb action sequence and is well written and bittersweet (am I the only person who likes the occasional sad ending in movies?). Pacing issues. Sadly, these do return but they aren’t as bad as before. It doesn’t take as long to get into The Grid this time and the events leading up to it are much more interesting. That said; the film does load the 1st and 3rd acts with all of the action scenes, meaning the middle drags a bit.

The story. It’s paper thin and not really necessary at all. But it works in service of the action. Those action sequences are exhilarating. The multi-tiered light cycle chase is, without a doubt, the highlight of the movie and for all you purists who thought that light cycles that could move in any direction were going to be less tense, you were dead wrong. But it’s not all about the light cycles. The disc battles (now with added gravity switches) look ace. The dogfight is clever and inventive, and the night club fight (with added Michael Sheen playing air guitar) is both hilarious and stellar.

Once again, I need to make special mention to Daft Punk’s soundtrack. Never mind the fact that this is the first new material we’ve had from them in six years, it’s also up there with some of their best work. It helps drive the film (some scenes seem like they’re struggling to keep up with the music) and, unlike most soundtracks, is perfectly listenable outside of the film. Don’t believe me? Here’s the end credits music. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

Having re-read my review, I think I made Tron: Legacy out to be more of a 3* film rather than the 4* I gave it. In case you’re wondering, I gave it a 4 because of one thing that I realised about an hour and a half into the movie. I hadn’t checked my watch once. I was having too much fun. No matter what film I watch, I nearly always check my watch to see how long is left (it’s to do with my rubbish bladder. Leave me alone!). But when I was watching Tron: Legacy, I didn’t care. I was enjoying nearly every second of it. I didn’t enjoy it enough to ignore its flaws but I enjoyed it enough to forgive it of its flaws. And for that admittedly odd reason, Tron: Legacy makes it onto the list.

Tron: Legacy is my 10th favourite movie of the year! Agree? Think this list is going downhill already? Want to predict what my number 1 movie is? Comment below and join me again in a few hours for my number 9 slot!

Screen One: Tron Legacy

2010-12-19T18:48:00.002Z

Film: Tron Legacy
Director: Joseph Kosinski
Written By: Adam Horowitz, Edward Kitsis
Distributor: Walt Disney Pictures
Run Time: 2 hours 7 minutes
Starring: Jeff Bridges, Garrett Hedlund, Olivia Wilde, Michael Sheen

The year was 1982, otherwise known as The Greatest Year In Movie History. Released into the unsuspecting public Tron was a big budget ($17million was a lot at the time), high concept Disney movie that was merely good but not great. It was very shallow, had some deadly pacing issues and was cheesy as all hell. But it got by by its spell binding special effects (arguably the real star of the show) a star making turn from Jeff Bridges and the fact that it didn’t seem to take itself too seriously. It did okay but not great and then it faded away.

But then, something weird happened. The people who saw it loved it and wouldn’t stop talking about it. They talked up its incredibly special effects, how this was going to be the future of film making and they foisted it upon the people they knew. And slowly, over time, Tron became the geek film that every movie lover had to see. A good film was talked up into being a fantastic film and, eventually, the demand rose for a sequel. So now we have Tron: Legacy. And, honestly, it’s better than the original. But only just.

The plot, what little of it there is, involves Kevin Flynn (Bridges) disappearing without a trace in 20 years ago. This act has scared his son Sam (Hedlund) ever since and he’s spending his life undermining his Dad’s company, Encom, which has become a global tyrant. Thanks to his Kevin’s old friend Alan, Sam is led to the old arcade and zapped back into The Grid. There he finds his dad, who’s been trapped there for 20 years, and with a programme called Quorra (Wilde) they team up to bring down Clu (Bridges again), a programme who is attempting to break into the real world.

That paragraph is basically the extent of the plot in Tron: Legacy. Forget about the themes of Nazi Germany, Indigenous peoples and imperfection that are thrown your way. It’s all just window dressing. It’s also basically a carbon copy of the original Tron, hitting roughly all of the beats that the first film did but with a darker tone that seems necessary for a modern family film nowadays. This extends to the science too, or the lack of it. For better or worse, the film basically says: “This is possible, don’t question it!” This may turn off people looking for an intelligent science fiction film, but it actually makes sense in the long term goal of having fun.

Performance wise, Garrett Hedlund is basically Sam Worthington if Sam Worthington had charisma and displayed (gasp!) emotions. He’s also a dead ringer for the younger Jeff Bridges, so he’s perfect as Sam. I wish Olivia Wilde got to do more than basically stand around looking pretty. Jeff Bridges basically owns the whole damn movie being both nefarious and dastardly as Clu and as Flynn basically plays (and this is a phrase coined by MovieBob that I just have to use) ObiWan Lebowski. No really. Although we mustn’t forget Michael Sheen who looks and acts like a camp, Albino Ziggy Stardust and is absolutely hilarious.

The action scenes are just pure amaze. The multi-levelled light cycle chase is obviously the highlight of the film; but there are also disc battles, kung-fu showdowns and even dogfights (and that’s just as ace as it sounds)! Plus, unlike Disney’s other big family films this year, it’s exciting! Genuinely pulse-pounding and compelling and never ever boring.

I’ve held off talking about the effects long enough. But, quite honestly, what do you want me to say? They are absolutely incredible! It’s so hard to put into words and you really need to see the film yourself in order truly get how good they look. But, to summarise, I can see myself coming back and watching this again in 10 years time and still being blown away by how good it looks. As for the 3D, well... It’s good. But don’t think I’m changing my mind about 3D. It’s the best example of the tech that I’ve seen (there’s genuine depth and the disc battles particularly look great) but it still adds nothing to the experience. At least I came out with only a mild headache, which is definitely an improvement.

I would just like to make a very special mention to the soundtrack by Daft Punk. Not only is it the best soundtrack that I’ve heard all year (and possibly all my life, natch), it compliments and often dictates the pace of the action. The nightclub scenes are the best benefited by this, not least because the duo actually get great cameos too.

If there are any other complaints about Legacy besides the lack of plot, is that the film can feel unfocused at times. It wants to be a great big thank you letter to the fans that kept the original alive for the last 28 years. But it also wants to be a big dumb family blockbuster. But it also wants to be the beginning of a big new franchise for Disney as they, once again, attempt to bottle that Pirates Of The Caribbean lightning. As such, the darker tone feels a little bit off and the lack of back story to a major character (and his subsequent side switch) confused me (although I have been told it makes more sense if you play the game).

In the end, though, Tron: Legacy succeeds in being a great time at the movies. It rectifies the majority of the problems of the original (the pace is still a bit finicky at times), contains another pair of exceptional performances from Bridges and the effects are so state of the art that in about 8 years time it will still be too early to call them state of the art. It’s not deep, but it is damn fun. The bottom line then: great film, go see it!

Let’s hope we don’t have to wait another 28 years for the next sequel.

4 out of 5.

Bonus Picture: A Step By Step Guide To Making The Uncharted Film Awesome

2010-12-10T18:52:00.006Z

That Uncharted movie is picking up steam. I don’t care what most people say, I think an Uncharted movie could work. The games, after all, are basically 10 hour long Hollywood movies. All you need to do is make an original story that fits within the context of the universe and have the correct casting and I would be sold.

Or, at least, it could work. But only if everything that Mark Wahlberg and director David O. Russell said was true wasn’t. If good old Marky Mark and David O. Dickface is to be believed, this movie is circling the drain like my (insert female acquaintance here)’s vaginal hair. So I think it’s time that I, a major fan of the series, step in and offer some advice, free of charge, before it gets too late. Sony Pictures, you’re welcome!

1] Remove Mark Wahlberg from the project immediately!

Nathan Drake is a great hero. The sort of hero that Joss Whedon can write without even breaking a sweat. He’s witty, romantic, genuinely terrified at times, bumbling and lovable all in one package but he never does any of them enough to be grating or annoying. He’s a thoroughly likable guy who’s also believable as an action hero.

The obvious choice for an actor to play Nate, then, is Nathan Fillion. Why? Well have you seen Firefly? You know the character that he plays, Malcolm Reynolds? Yeah, that is Nathan Drake. The developers have even admitted that Mal was a heavy influence on Nate. Plus; Nathan’s other roles in Dr. Horrible’s Sing A Long Blog, Slither (which is an ace film that you should totally see) and Castle have shown him to be an great actor with the charisma and charm necessary to carry the role. He looks the part. He sounds the part. He IS the part.

But we instead get Mark Wahlberg. A man who hasn’t starred in a decent non-comedy since The Departed (no, The Happening doesn’t count). A man who has been shown to have the emotional range of disinterested zebra. A man who has had first hand experience in butchering a videogame film (Max Payne) and a man who just isn’t suited to playing Nathan Drake.

Don’t get me wrong, Marky Mark can be good (The Fighter looks damn interesting, and The Other Guys was a very funny movie) but for Uncharted, the wrong man has been cast as Nate. Get rid of him immediately!

2] Get Nathan Fillion onto the project as Nathan Drake immediately!

I’ve already kind of talked about this one, so I’m just gonna move on. But if Nate can’t play Nate, just call up Nolan North (a.k.a. The Real Nathan Drake). He’s always hungry for work.

3] (in stupid Craig David voice) Can I get a re-write?

It’s not just Mark Wahlberg as Nate that’s got this film dive-bombing into oblivion though. During his chat with MTV, Wahlberg also inadvertently let slip some little nuggets of info like, oh I dunno, this...

“de Niro and Pesci playing Drake’s pop and uncle.”

No, really. What Hollywood thinks Drake needs to give him some added depth... is a family. Hollywood, listen to me close and listen good. GIVING A CHARACTER A FAMILY DOES NOT MAKE THEM DEEPER AND MORE INTERESTING! Drake is interesting and complex as he is to make a great lead character. He does not need a family!

Also, either Marky Mark or David O. Moron let slip that it was going to be a family film. Joy of joys and hallelujah! Out true colours are thus revealed! Another great thing about the Uncharted games are that they’re not afraid to plumb depths and come to dark moments in the story with genuine peril and some scary moments (like those Descent-reject monsters from the end of Drake’s Fortune). By making it a family film, you throw away the ability to take risks and put the characters in genuine peril. I don’t want a Prince of Persia: Warrior Within type story, but I don’t want Happy Smiley Fun Tim Variety Hours either!

So to summarise this point: Re-write the story with a darker tone (12A to 15 certificate at most) and NO GODDAMN FAMILY MEMBERS! Unless you could get Summer Glau to pop up as Drake’s newly written in sister, in which case that’s perfectly fine!
4] But don’t simply adapt one of the games

Nobody wants the “product” you are peddling now. I suggest a re-write. Do NOT take this as an opportunity to just simply adapt either of the games and call it a day. The games are basically 10 hour movies and those 10 hours are perfectly paced and expertly crafted. To cut any of them down into a 2 hour movie will kill a lot of the momentum and remove a load of those awesome set pieces (including the worlds longest train) and character development.

What I’d like to see is an original story that is set within the confines of the Uncharted universe. I’d like to see the characters we know and love along with some (not tonnes, some) fresh faces in a new adventure that is as epic, grand in scope and great as before. Take risks, make us be shocked and make us care.

But don’t take this as an excuse to add in family members. Again, NO FAMILY MEMBERS UNLESS THEY ARE A SISTER PLAYED BY SUMMER GLAU!

5] Make it damn good!

This might seem obvious but in today’s modern film industry, making a decent film seems to be something that most film makers take as an optional ingredient rather than the main crux of a film. So, yeah. Make it damn good.

6] If you fail to fulfil any one of these conditions, kill the project immediately.

This movie hangs on the factors of these 5 things. Whilst there are plenty of other important aspects (getting the right casting for the supporting cast, making the script interesting, crafting excellent set-pieces), these are the five that spring to mind right now and that I can go into in detail. Stick to these, your movie might turn out ok. If you can’t fulfil a particular one of these tips for any reason at all, end the project right there and then. The fans (and least of all me) don’t deserve to see their franchise butchered on screen by stiff suits who have no idea how Uncharted looks or works and just want to make a quick buck.

There’s the guide. If any of you have any other ideas to help guide the project, sign off in the comments below.

Screen One: Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 1

2010-11-24T18:17:00.002Z

Film: Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 1
Director: David Yates, Ben Hibon (Animated Short)
Written By: Steve Kloves (Screenplay), J. K. Rowling (Book)
Distributor: Warner Bros.
Run Time: 2 hours 26 minutes
Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, Helena Bonham Carter, Ralph Fiennes

This is it. So after nearly 10 years and 6 films, we are on the final chapter of the Harry Potter franchise. Well, the first part of the last one, anyway. It's been a long journey that's consistently improved as the years have gone on but it's about to end. Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 1 has arrived and, shock horror, it's actually really really good!

Lord Voldemort (Fiennes) is now basically unstoppable after the death of Dumbledore in the last film. Since they are being hunted; Harry (Radcliffe), Ron (Grint) and Hermione (Watson) decide to go into hiding. Whilst hiding; the trio attempt to find the five remaining Horcruxes, fragments of Voldemort's soul that have been sealed away in ordinary objects and enable him to live forever, in the hopes of destroying them and weakening Voldemort.

By now, you all know the extraordinary leaps and bounds that Daniel, Rupert and Emma have made when it comes to their acting ability. Yet it's still shocking just how much that they have upped their game for this one. They have all matured into genuinely fine actors and actresses and they all have excellent career opportunities open to them when it's all done. They're even able to make the most clunky of monologues captivating.

It is a bloody good thing that all of the stars have improved too, because the film bravely focuses on them. Most of the supporting cast have been written out of this film and, as such, we almost never see things from outside of their point of view. The only other cast members get limited roles. Helena Bonham Carter is still the very best she's been in a long long time, but she is once again criminally underused. But look! Ralph Fiennes is back! And, whilst only having about 5 minutes of screen time, is still excellent.

The CGI continues to improve with each movie. I only really mention this because of a truly brilliant animated moment involving a description of the creation of the Deathly Hallows. I want to track down the people involved in making that and give them a great big "Good Job!" for creating the best part of the film. The action sequences are also greatly improved with some genuinely thrilling chase scenes and Paul Greengrass-esque use of steadi-cam. However, unlike Greengrass, Yates remembers that audiences typically need to be able to see the action going on to have any sense of investment in it.

Now we come to a very small list of faults, chief of which is the ending. Unlike most two parters, like Star Wars (Episodes V and VI) or Kill Bill, Deathly Hallows Part 1 has a slightly poor ending. There's no resolution and no cliff hanger. The film just stops when it feels its time is up. It makes it feel like the first 2 and 1/2 hours of a very long movie that was chopped up because studio executives know that today's ADHD afflicted movie-goers physically can't sit through a five hour movie. Even that movie is Harry Potter. Other than that, it's just the usual Potter problems that have become par for the course. A script that occasionally delivers some absolute clunkers, an over reliance on jump scares to induce tension and a second act that drags a bit.

But other than that, it's a really good film. I actually exited the cinema genuinely shocked at how good the film was. It takes a lot of risks, and whilst some of them don't pay off, most of them do. It's the best Potter film so far and I'm now seriously looking forward to Part 2. Roll on, Summer 2011!

4 out of 5.

Potterocalypse: Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince

2010-11-21T20:48:00.000Z

Dumbledore dies!

Oh, fuck! Forgot to throw up the spoiler alert!

Warning: Spoilers! Actually, this all seems a bit pointless now, doesn’t it?

So, yeah. Dumbledore is dead. Like a dodo. Terribly sorry that I’m not being more sensitive about your “child-like innocence” ruining moment, but this didn’t affect me in the slightest. Admittedly, I’ve known for two years and knowledge like that hangs over your entire enjoyment of the series. For example, did Anakin turning to the dark side surprise any of you in any way? Of course not! Because we all knew! It’s inevitable! Like the sun setting in the evening, or Lady GaGa looking ridiculous, or me having a wank at 8:30 on a Sunday evening! OK, maybe not that last one.

Anyways, other than that huge WORLD-SHATTERING development, not much happens in Half-Blood Prince that’s of great value to the story. The magical doo-dad quest is set up, but that’s about your lot. It feels like padding. But it feels like necessary padding. Most of the film works on trying to set-up our three leads with their eventual partners in not so suitable ways (cos, hey, if it worked for Twilight, right?) and foreshadowing Dumbledore’s inevitable death so obviously that I was half expecting one of the characters to blurt out that it was going to happen at some point.

There’s not much to say on the acting front. Timothy Spall gets a cameo. Michael Gambon gets some of his best material to chew on. Alan Rickman gets to be a proper slimy bastard from the off (because, remember, in every film he’s been in Alan Rickman is a bastard one way or another). And Helena Bonham Carter still gets bugger all to do. In fact, all of this just made me notice the considerable lack of Ralph Fiennes and make me long for him even more.

The only other real thing of note is just how fucking long this film feels. Compared to Order Of The Phoenix, this film feels more like Chamber Of Secrets. Even more so when you take into account the second act that takes its sweet goddamn time. Also, some of the dialogue seems to have gotten worse since the last one. I can easily attribute this to a change of screenwriter. You see, the fifth film was written by Michael Goldenberg whilst all of the others have been written by Steve Kloves. By re-hiring Kloves, all progress brought forward by OOTP is immediately destroyed because Kloves just does not know what to leave out.

I’m struggling to think of stuff to put here, I truly am. Because, you see, HBP is a filler movie. Or a set-up movie. The finale is being built up, the stakes are being raised, but nothing really means anything. There were times that I enjoyed the lack of big revelations, but plenty of others where I was furiously checking my watch. It’s a necessary film, but it is a boring film.

A bit of Ralph Fiennes would’ve livened up proceedings, though.

Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince Deus-Ex-Machina Count: 0 (no, really!)

Harry Potter Series Deus-Ex-Machina Count: 22

And that is it! Potterocalypse is over! I may have exited a broken, despondent, mad shell of a man; that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I did it. I DID IT! Share your thoughts on the Harry Potter world in general underneath. I need to recover. But I’ll see you Tuesday for my Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 1 review.

Potterocalypse: Harry Potter & The Order Of The Phoenix

2010-11-21T17:15:00.002Z

Warning: This blog contains spoilers, spoilers and more spoilers. You have been warned! Don't spam my comment box saying that you weren't warned when you were just then!

Nearly there now. Nearly there!

Anyways, Order of the Phoenix. Having never seen this one before means that I’m on the home straight and I’m now watching films that I haven’t seen before. With that in mind, I was really surprised at how much I enjoyed The Order of the Phoenix. The acting is better, the story is better, the CGI is (mostly) better and the script is still middling.

We are now focused on the story of Voldemort and being prepared for a huge “Good vs. Evil” royal rumble where the winner gets a shot at the world title at WrestleMania (sorry, I couldn’t resist)! Except, we’re not. Because ¾ of the film focuses on the tyrannical control of the school by Madame Umbridge, control of the government by Cornelius Fudge and control of the media also by Fudge.

You see, Hogwarts is more focused on good exam grades than teaching anything practical (wink wink, nudge nudge) and Fudge is slandering anybody who believes that Voldemort is back because he doesn’t think so and is using his paper to get across this (WINK WINK NUDGE DAMN YOU!). As you’ve probably gathered, the dastardly use of themes and real-life comparisons returns. But you know what? I don’t mind them this time. Maybe it’s because I can relate more to our fucked up educational system and media control by right wing bullshitters than I can fictional embodiments of Adolf Hitler.

The script still produces clunkers (Harry has to verbally announce he’s better than Voldemort because he has love and friendship and stuff) but at least the story is up to snuff for the most part. It’s genuinely intriguing and interesting with more fleshed out side-characters and better villains. I say “for the most part” though because I have a bone to pick with Bellatrix Lestrange. Film: Why make such a big deal of her breaking out of prison if you’re only going to use her for about five seconds in the finale? Plus, Umbridge is horrifically irritating. I get that that is the point, but she’s actually too annoying. Every single time she opens her mouth, I want to take a shotgun and plug her full of holes with it.

The second act only drags slightly, which is great because that meant that I was fully awake for those final 25 minutes. Finally, we have a set of properly excellent wizard battles! The Order taking on The Death Eaters is great in how good it looks and only sad in its brevity. And Dumbledore vs. Voldemort Round 1 is the best duel that the whole series has come up with and a damn sight better than that dreadful final battle from Goblet Of Fire.

In summary, The Order Of The Phoenix is the best Harry Potter film that I’ve had the... pleasure of watching during this... experience. Unless Half Blood Prince has something more important and of higher quality than Dumbledore dying (hey, you read the spoiler warning!), it’s going to be hard pressed to beat!

Harry Potter & The Order Of The Phoenix Deus-Ex-Machina Count: 1

Harry Potter Series Deus-Ex-Machina Count: 22

Potterocalypse: Harry Potter & The Goblet Of Fire

2010-11-21T13:14:00.002Z

Warning: Spoilers. Dumbeldore dies in book six, Vader is Luke's father, Bruce Willis is dead, and all of that bullshite.

Day 2 of Potterocalypse. Status check on me: I’ve lost all hope, all self-respect and almost all of my entire weekend. The only things keeping me going are a burning desire to see this through and the safe knowledge that Chris Columbus has moved on to making different shitty films. Yes, we are in the so-called Golden Age of Potter and we kick off today with the last film that I’ve seen before this marathon, The Goblet Of Fire.

Goblet Of Fire takes the series even deeper and even darker than before. Why? Because Voldemort returns! It’s hinted at repeatedly through the movie and then he does return for a big showdown. Not that the film seems to want us to see Voldemort appear and start tearing shit up. Because after the Death Eaters appear (lead by David Tennant no less!) and start murdering people at the Quidditch World Cup, the film takes its sweet time getting to the finale. Basically, the second act drags.

I know that the Tri-Wizard Cup is the main part of the story, but even that’s negated. Instead, the film attempts to teach us about hormones, what happens when you anger a ginger and why best friends stick together forever. There’s a hell of a lot of dead weight. Scenes and sub-plots that are shoved in here, possibly to please those who moan that the film cuts stuff out, make no sense and waste time for those who don’t care or have never read the books.

At least the acting has gotten better. Daniel, Emma and Rupert (so I couldn’t think of any funny comparisons this time. Sue me) continue to mature and improve as stars. Brendan Gleeson is ace as Mad Eye Moody (forgot that Gleeson was in this, didn’t ya?) and then there’s Ralph Fiennes who is Lord Voldemort. The real Lord Voldemort not that ponce from the first film. What else can I say other than that he’s brilliant. The 20 minutes, possibly not even that, that he’s on screen for make up for the massive drag that the second act is. All by himself.

The story is also improving by helping add full steam to the “Voldemort is an evil bastard” storyline. Although I still don’t buy it. Why? Because we haven’t seen HIM do anything nasty or unpleasant besides shining a bright light into Harry’s mum’s face and murdering Edward Cullen. Maybe that’ll improve as time goes on. The script could still do with some work though. Some lines just act as if the writer’s not even trying! (Hermione: So is everything going to change? [Long pause] Harry: [places hand on shoulder] Yes.)

It’s the second best Potter that I’ve seen so far! Yes I know that that really isn’t saying much and that you’re expecting me to write this long essay with lots of jokes and insightful thoughts, but it doesn’t work like that! Do you know how hard it is to marathon these movies? Do you!? DO YOU!? It takes a lot out of you, it really does! And I’m running out of things to say! So, to end, here’s yet another picture of Clémence Poésy.

Are you all happy now? 4 down. 2 to go.

I hate your guts.

Harry Potter & The Goblet Of Fire Deus-Ex-Machina Count: 1

Harry Potter Series Deus-Ex-Machina Count: 21

Potterocalypse: Harry Potter & The Prisoner Of Azkaban

2010-11-20T21:54:00.001Z

Warning: The following blogs contain plenty of spoilers. To put it this way, if you don't care about Harry Potter, you won't be reading this. So I'm not entirely certain why I'm putting up these warnings. But regardless, you have been warned!

Well, it’s only what I’ve been waiting all day for! A good Harry Potter movie! It’s not always been like this though. I remember seeing this film in cinemas and not really liking it. It actually turned me off of the franchise completely. I can’t really remember why. I think it was the cheap jump scares (which I still hate to this day) and the dark and gritty tone when I wanted a cheery funny tone. It’s kind of funny really, because it’s because of the dark and gritty tone that makes this film really worth watching.

Unlike most dark and gritty films, however, (looking at you The Dark Knight) Harry Potter Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith retains a sense of humour and remembers to brighten up proceedings by popping in some funny interludes. (I’d just like to take the time to state that Harry Potter is not better than The Dark Knight. I fact, it’s the complete opposite. Honest! Look, I’m off to rate The Dark Knight a five now!) It’s actually these bright spots that help make the film the deepest and best up to this point.

Actually, that’s not strictly true. There are a number of things. First off, giving Chris Columbus the boot! Best decision Warner Bros. made to this franchise if you ask me. Now that the talentless hack isn’t allowed with a barge poles distance of this film; we instead get Alfonso Cuaron, a man who can tie his own shoelaces which makes him much better than Columbus ever was. The film is much better to show for it.

For instance, the script in the previous films was horrible. Too many attempts at humour. Too much exposition bile. Too little chance to empathise with the characters. Then in this film, right amounts of humour. Exposition kept to a minimum. Much more time to try and sympathise and empathise with the characters. Seeing as the first three films (and all but number 5, last I checked) are written by the same guy, I’m more than happy to blame Columbus’ poor direction than the writer’s initial hatchet job.

The acting has once again noticeable improved. Clark, Diana and Bruce all now have great chemistry and are finally capable of showing emotion without looking and sounding like complete bellends. David Thewlis actually acts (I know! In a Harry Potter film? Before this that was a cruel joke!). Tom Felton realised that slimy bullies need to not sound like 8 year old girls. Michael Gambon beats the snot out of Richard Harris in the “Playing Dumbledore and Not Sounding Half Asleep” department. Hans Gruber continues to own everyone in the movie and Gary Oldman is an excellent addition as Sirius Black.

Genuine tension is also produced for the first time too! It’s as if Alfonso realised that not everybody who’s seeing these films has read the books and, as such, tried not to telegraph that outcomes of any big scenes too obviously. The confrontation of Peter Pettigrew, Lupin and Serius is a particular stand out that deserves mentioning. It’s also thanks to this direction that the film doesn’t feel like a long and horrible slog to sit through (unlike number 2). Oh, and there are almost no sodding Deus-Ex-Machinas!

It’s not perfect; there are some unresolved plot threads and some super cheesy moments (like the revelation that Sirius is Harry’s godfather), but none of that matters in the long run. What matters is that we finally have a good, sometimes great, Harry Potter movie. It’s proof that this series really can make great films. You just need a director who is good at his job to make it happen. Suddenly, tomorrow doesn’t seem so bad!

Harry Potter & The Prisoner Of Azkaban Deus-Ex-Machina Count: 2 (and even then I find it hard to class them as such)

Harry Potter Series Deus-Ex-Machina Count: 20

And that’s it! Day one of Potterocalypse is over! We’ve had poor first impressions, even worse second impressions, a trip into Decent Film U.S.A. and the increasing realisation that I’ve just wasted 12 hours of my life. Join me tomorrow for hot French models, Ralph Fiennes, a long line of sacrificial sad endings and my continued speedy decent into Suicidal Depression!

Potterocalypse: Harry Potter & The Chamber Of Secrets

2010-11-20T18:14:00.000Z

Warning: The following blogs contain spoilers. I have nothing funny to say. Also, apologies if I've misspelled any characters.

Previously on Potterocalypse!

“Overall, HP&TPS is one of the worst in the series and, unless you’ve never ever watched any of the Harry Potter movies or read any of the books or never even heard of the Harry Potter universe beforehand and need a primer on each of the characters and the general universe they inhabit, I’d just skip this movie and head on to The Chamber of Secrets.

Oh, wait...”

That “Oh, wait...” is because we still had the very worst of the Potter franchise to endure. I am, of course, referring to the festering turd that is known as Harry Potter & The Chamber Of Secrets.

The first thing that set alarm bells ringing that I was about to waste the next two and a half hours of my life was on the back of the box. It featured a quote from Jonathon Ross and he proudly boasts that this sequel is “more magical and more fun”. As it turns out, this film was most definitely not more magical and it certainly not more fun. In fact, this sequel is worse than the original in nearly every single way.

There is one area where this film is much better than the last and that’s in the acting department. All three of the main cast (Luke, Leia and Han) step up their game in this one. For example: Somewhere between the two films, Daniel’s balls started dropping and so he now starts speaking more maturely, with an unfortunate side effect of pronouncing some words wrong. Rupert is currently undergoing puberty and at least practising his comic timing, and Emma is much less grating this time around though this could be because of better writing for her character.

Alan Rickman is still great as Snape. Kenneth Branagh just plain rules as Gilderoy Lockheart (bringing the total number of Defence Against The Dark Arts Teachers Who Turn Evil to 2). Richard Griffiths is vastly improved as Vernon Dursley and Jason Isaacs is in my good books because, as Lucius Malfoy, as soon as he appears he proceeds to rip into all three of the main cast.

And that is it for compliments because it’s all downhill from here!

The story is far far worse than in the last film, basically being a “Murder Mystery Whodunnit?”. Nothing wrong with this, except with how shittily it’s told. Almost everything that happens in the film is due to coincidences or, that old Harry Potter staple, a tonne of Deus-Ex-Machinas. This makes any investments in the plot completely unnecessary as your simply going to get cheated out of any meaningful resolution anyway. Literally when Tom Riddle revealed that his name was an anagram for “I Am Lord Voldemort” I cried out “Oh, COME ON!”

Some of the acting is still dodgy. Richard Harris, in particular, still acts as if Dumbledore is asleep the whole time. John Cleese and Miriam Margolyes basically get star billed cameos and Toby Jones simply irritates as Dobby.

Themes and links to real life events are brought up for the first time in this film with “Mudbloods” being mocked and derided. “Mudbloods” are wizards with Muggle parents and who the Malfoys and Voldemort hate because they are not “pure blood”. Hmm... I wonder who they are referring not so subtly to? It’s things like this that hamper the story because they are so in-your-face about it. Yes, I get this is about racism. I don’t care!

There was a gap of one year between TCOS and TPS and I find it hard to believe that the CGI got so visibly worse in between each instalment. The pixies look like blue bogies, Dobby is jerky as sin and the spells don’t have that big of a whoosh. And then there’s the basilisk. It looks like one of those Godzilla babies at the end of that disaster of a Roland Emmerich movie (get it? Disaster? Ha ha ha ha ha! HA HA HA HA! LAUGH DAMN YOU!)

In summary, The Chamber Of Secrets is the worst I’ve seen so far. But that’s not by much. And it’s not saying much, granted. But it’s overly long, overly boring, overly complicated tripe. It’s got better acting and is at least entertainingly bad, but thank God that Chris Columbus was given the boot as director after this rubbish. If he got his hands on any of the other films, by the time I finished this series I’d have killed myself. They are so bad!

2 down. 4 to go.

Harry Potter & The Chamber Of Secrets Deus-Ex-Machina Count: 10

Harry Potter Series Deus-Ex-Machina Count: 18

Potterocalypse: Harry Potter & The Philosopher's Stone

2010-11-20T13:46:00.001Z

Warning: The following blogs contain spoilers for a film and book series that has been running for over a decade. If you have somehow managed to avoid the whole thing by now and don't want anything ruined, then turn around and leave right now. Just go. Everyone else...

So my quest has begun! In preparation for Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Part 1 (The Biggest Film Of The Year whether you like it or not), I’m marathoning through the first six on DVD this weekend with three films per day! And already I’m regretting it. Why? Because my first film was Harry Potter & The Philosopher’s Stone.

(And, yes, that is The Philosopher’s Stone and not The Sorcerer’s Stone! If you Americans are going to steal our crazes, the very least you could do is use their proper titles!)

The sad fact is that this movie has not aged well in the slightest. I remember seeing this when I was 7 years old (when I was young and impressionable and not stunned by Emma Watson’s hotness) and believed it to be the greatest thing ever in mankind. Looking back now, that’s not the case.

It definitely stands on its own. I’m not referring to the quality here. I’m instead going on about how the film is neatly self-contained. Possibly like the book (which I wouldn’t know, cos I haven’t read it) it’s as if no-one expected this to be as big as it ended up. Subplots are brought up and then discarded. The big bad is just a big bad. And the film ends with everyone alive and happy with no clues as to where to go next. I like that lack of confidence.

Right, that’s enough of the compliments! Let the ripping and tearing commence!

Whilst it’s very true that all three of the main stars (Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Thunderpants) have come on in leaps and bounds in their ability since the first film, it’s still painful to watch them here. Emma stresses her poshness so much anybody would think she wasn’t acting. Daniel either under-acts or over-acts everything (look for his “You’re a wizard” scene for some prime examples of both in action). And Malachy McKinney is every clichéd bumbling ginger character ever. The adult actors aren’t much better. Save for Robbie Coltrane (who seems to relish being Hagrid) and Alan Rickman (who you just know will be evil at some point later in the series), nobody seems to want to turn in a better than average performance. In particular, Dumbledore sounds like he’s sleep-talking and the resulting Voldemort is a total let-down (remember kids, it’s three more films until Ralph Fiennes pops up and makes it all worth watching).

None of this is helped by some dire writing. Not the story, no! The story is fine. It’s your standard “Good vs. Evil Quest For A Magical Doo-Dad”. It’s the script that’s turgid. The dialogue is full of clunkers. The characterisation is poor (the first 40 minutes detail our heroes abilities: Harry is charmed like Forrest Gump, Hermione always knows the right spell for just such an occasion, and Ron is ginger). The final 30 minutes are like an over-the-top Indiana Jones tomb. And subplots are brought up and immediately discarded.

Some CGI looks good today, but some look absolutely ridiculous (like the motion blur effects for when people are being thrown around like ragdolls). The music is samey and boring. The Dursleys are the most stereotypical evil family this side of the one in Matilda (and played even worse). And then there are the Deus-Ex-Machinas.

Nearly every single pivotal perilous moment in this film is solved by either a spell that Hermione has just remembered, a factoid that Hermione has just remembered, a coincidence that Harry can pull off or a combination of two or three. I made a total count of 8 by the time the credits rolled, and I still don’t understand how the Stone ended up in his pocket. And whilst I’m ragging, Harry surviving by “the power of lurve” is both stupid and insipid.

Overall, HP&TPS is one of the worst in the series and, unless you’ve never ever watched any of the Harry Potter movies or read any of the books or never even heard of the Harry Potter universe beforehand and need a primer on each of the characters and the general universe they inhabit, I’d just skip this movie and head on to The Chamber of Secrets.

Oh, wait...

Harry Potter Series Deus-Ex-Machina Count: 8

A Notice So That You Are Aware Of What Will Be Happening

2010-11-19T22:36:00.005Z

Something tells me I'm gonna get mighty sick of this logo.

Right, the next two days are going to get ugly for me.

Allow me to explain. On Tuesday, I will be heading off on a school trip to see Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Part 1 at the cinema. Normally, I would've avoided this like decent thinking people avoid Justin Bieber fans, but there are three reasons why I'm going.

1] It's a school trip.
2] My friends are going and any social time is alright by me.
3] I need something to review and nothing interesting under the age of 18 is coming out in the UK until the end of December (you all know what I'm talking about).

So I'm off to watch HPATDHPt1. But I have a problem. I have not watched the last two movies. And I've forgotten how the others went.

So I sat and racked my brains. And I came up with a solution.

On Saturday and Sunday I will watch the entire previous six Harry Potter films in order in preparation for the new one. This means: HP & The Philosopher's Stone (NOT Sorcerer's Stone), HP & The Chamber Of Secrets and HP & The Prisoner Of Azkaban on Saturday. HP & The Goblet Of Fire, HP & The Order Of The Pheonix and HP & The Half Blood Prince on Sunday.

This will take up 7 hours each day with one hours break in between each. And my workload doesn't stop there! During each hours break, I will blog my experiences of each film to you wonderful people. These will work like my 24 Season 8 blogs (oh, speaking of which, my Season boxset arrived the other day. So I will work on catching them up soon); so if you are coming here expecting a serious discussion of each film's merits and their faithfulness to the books, then you are, to use a polite term, "shit out of luck"! If I'm still alive after each film, this is how you will know.

Right, I'm off to bed. Big start tomorrow!

Let Potterocalypse commence!

Screen One: Due Date

2010-11-13T17:37:00.002Z

Film: Due Date
Director: Todd Phillips
Written By: Alan R. Cohen, Alan Freedland, Adam Sztykiel, Todd Phillips (Screenplay)
Alan R. Cohen, Alan Freedland (Story)
Distributor: Warner Bros.
Run Time: 1 hour 40 minutes
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Zack Galifianakis, Michelle Monaghan, Jamie Foxx

I only just got to see The Hangover for the first time three weeks ago. This was after a year of huge hype where I was told by every single one of my friends that it was “The funniest thing evar!” Having missed it in cinemas and forgetting to get it on DVD, I saw that it was on Sky Movies and gave it a shot. It was alright. It was not “The funniest thing evar!” It wasn’t even the funniest film of last year (that honour went to the hysterical In The Loop). It was just a solid comedy boosted by great performances by the entire cast.

I tell you this because when I saw that director Todd Phillips’ latest, Due Date, is exactly like The Hangover, I don’t mean that it is the funniest thing I’ve seen all year. Not even close. It is, instead, a decent comedy with two exceptional leads being struck down with a script that never once reaches for “gut-busting hysterics” and feels content to just settle for “mild chuckles”.

Peter Highman (Downey Jr.) is an architect just trying to get home to Los Angeles see his wife (Monaghan) give birth to their child. Ethan Tremblay (Galifianakis) is trying to get to Los Angeles for an audition for Two And A Half Men (although why anyone would want to be associated with that show is beyond me. Hiyo!). A misunderstanding gets them both thrown off of the plane that they are on and put on the No-Fly list, along with Peter losing his wallet with his money and I.D. Running out of time and options, Peter decides to hitch a ride to Los Angeles with Ethan.

From there, things go over the top, like in The Hangover. But Due Date lacks a lot of the big laugh out loud moments that The Hangover had. Most of the best jokes were given away in the trailer and whilst there are some really funny moments, like when Pete has to baby-sit two kids or a masturbating dog, they are way too few and far in between. Some “jokes” are also just plain unfunny such as a trip to the Mexican border or an extended moment where Peter insults a wheelchair-bound army veteran.

All of which is a damn shame because there are two exceptional leading performances here. Both Downey Jr. and Galifianakis are on fire in this. Downey, in particular, displays impeccable comic timing and his curmudgeonly role fits excellently. Galifianakis plays roughly the same role as he did in The Hangover, but the good news is that he’s still really funny and he and RDJ have such great chemistry so this isn’t really an issue.

It’s sad, then, that both of the characters are so un-likeable. Unlike in, say, Planes, Trains & Automobiles (of which this movie borrows a lot from) there is no real attempt to make you care about either of the characters. There’s also no consistency. If the script calls for both characters to be at each others throats, then at each others throats they will be. If the script calls for both characters to be best buddies about five seconds later, then it will happen. Comedies based around people who are un-likeable are the back bone of some of the best of all time. But at least they are consistent in their portrayal. If someone is a douchebag, they stay a douchebag. They don’t flit between douchebag and saint. Peter has an excuse, sort of (he has anger management issues), but Ethan is either an annoying imbecile or a lovable fool and he’s never one long enough for you to care.

Despite everything I’ve said though, I liked Due Date. I found it to be really funny in parts and I was never really bored. My problem is that it could’ve been so much better. With such great comic talent who have such great chemistry, it’s really depressing to see them saddled with mediocre material. It’s a solid comedy that you’ll forget within a week. It’s this year’s The Hangover.

3 out of 5.

Screen One: The Social Network

2010-10-31T16:44:00.002Z

Film: The Social Network
Director: David Fincher
Written By: Aaron Sorkin (Screenplay)
Distributor: Columbia Pictures
Run Time: 2 hours 1 minute
Starring: Jessie Eisenberg, Andrew Garfield, Justin Timberlake, Brenda Song, Rooney Mara, Armie Hammer, Max Minghella

You know that feeling that you got when you walked out at the end of your first showing of Inception? That feeling of absolute awe? That feeling that you just watched an absolute master class of filmmaking by one of the best directors alive working today? Yeah, that is The Social Network in a nutshell. It is an absolute master class of filmmaking by one of the best directors alive working today that should be enjoyed by everybody who sees it.

But besides having impeccable acting, an airtight script, exceptional music and some of the most confident and assured direction I have ever seen; The Social Network works because it’s not a movie about Facebook. It’s a movie about Facebook in the same way that, I don’t know, The Dark Knight is a movie about superheroes. It’s got Facebook in it and the events revolve around the actions of Facebook, but it is not explicitly about Facebook. It is instead an excellent and thoughtful character study about people and people taking turns at screwing each other over in the most humiliating and embarrassing ways possible.

This would be the point where I fill in about plot, but seeing as it’s a “true story” (I use air quotes because we all know Hollywood’s penchant for “twisting” true stories a bit) there is no real point to me recapping the outline. All I’ll say is that it revolves around Mark Zuckerberg (Eisenberg) and Eduardo Savrin (Garfield) as the best friends who, when one thing leads to another, wind up creating Facebook and the whole film’s story is told through the two depositions that Zuckerberg is involved in with the Winklevoss twins (Hammer) and Eduardo himself.

It is more complicated than that but I’d rather you saw the movie and found out for yourself. The big selling point, though, is the script by the legendary Aaron Sorkin which is absolutely brilliant. It is smart, it’s witty, it’s logical, it’s breakneck and breathless and everything that every character does is within their character. Witty banter just speeds out of these characters mouths (just watch the opening scene for a slight indication of what I’m talking about) but it never seems like something that no person would say. It genuinely seems like friends being friends, paranoid people being paranoid people and douchebags acting like absolute douchebags.

And the film isn’t even impeded by its lack of good guys. Nobody in this film is a good person. Everybody is an asshole. The one good guy is poor old Eduardo and even he’s shown to have the same fallibility as everybody else. The plot is literally about a group of people trying to screw each other over in the most humiliating, the most embarrassing, the most public and the most expensive ways possible. And it’s absolutely fascinating.

The script is complimented by absolutely phenomenal performances from everybody involved. Armie Hammer gets an absolutely great dual role as both of the Winklevoss twins (who Zucker humorously dubs “Winklevii”. Did I mention that the script is brilliant?), Andrew Garfield continues to be one of the fastest rising star in the industry today with an excellent layered performance as the only truly nice guy in the film. Jesse Eisenberg will never ever be considered as Michael Cera-lite ever again after his world shattering turn as the slimy, well-meaning, self-centred, socially awkward Zuckerberg. But the real star is Justin Timberlake (I can’t believe that I just typed that) with a show-stealing performance as Sean Parker, who takes Zuckerberg under his wing. Literally after his introduction an hour into the film, nobody else has a chance.

David Fincher’s direction is so confident and assured. The cinematography helps make this feel like a David Fincher movie, even though it’s the least David Fincher movie he’s made yet (with the exception of Benjamin Button). He makes typing up lines of code and hacking into Harvard’s servers seem as tense as most directors do when it comes to gun battles. Trent Reznor’s score is also masterful and helps the overall atmosphere in spades.

I could go on praising this all day, but I think I’ll be repeating myself. No one element makes The Social Network as excellent as it is. Just like Inception, it’s the overall combined sum of its parts that helps make the film as great it is. When the only complaint that I can level at it is the generic way that the ending plays out (with text describing the epilogue), you know that this movie is absolutely exceptional. It truly is one of the best films I’ve seen all year and you need to see it right the hell now. It is going to be so hard to choose between this and Inception come the end of year lists.

5 out of 5.

WWE Night Of Champions 2010 Recap Review

2010-09-24T21:55:00.007+01:00

Night of Champions is actually the best idea of the WWE’s recent gimmicks to base a pay-per-view around. The idea of basing an entire pay-per-view on just championship matches lends the whole evening a nice prestige and makes the whole thing feel that much more important.

Unfortunately, just like how TNA just can’t quite seem to grasp how many members there should be in FOURtune, some bright spark decided that the card should also include a non-title match. How hard is it to make a CHAMPIONSHIP ONLY pay-per-view be a CHAMPIONSHIP ONLY pay-per-view? Maybe it’s just to give SmackDown a bit more love but I still don’t think that’s the point. It cheapens the whole idea of the pay-per-view, you tits!

Anyways, just like my SummerSlam recap, I will rate each match out of 5 in relation to the rest of the pay-per-view. And I’m making no mention of promos. None at all. Except Punk’s, obviously. So then, let’s have an 87.5% Night of Champions!

Dolph Ziggler beat Kofi Kingston with a Zig Zag to retain the Intercontinental Championship!

I’m going to let this match off. Why? Because it was actually half decent. Whilst my entire body let out a huge groan when I heard that this damn feud was STILL GOING, the match they both put on was much better than most of their others. It was a very good showcase of Dolph’s in-ring ability and the fact that he won clean gives credence to his reign as champion. So it was a good match even though it really wasn’t anything special. But please, end this feud now. No more! Cease and desist! Surely you’ve got other contenders for the belt? I’m begging you!

Something worth of note, though. This was the first match of the evening where Cole was teased as turning heel. Have a guess where the commentary went from here?

Rating: 3 out of 5.

Big Show beat CM Punk with a Knockout Blow!

There was absolutely no point at all in this match being at the pay-per-view. For god’s sake people, it’s called “Night of” sodding “Champions”! Do you see any titles on these two right now? No! So why are they here? Is it because we need Punk at a pay-per-view? Cos whilst my scientifically incorrect chart does show that pay-per-views get better when Punk gets involved, he does not fit Big Show’s match style.

Sadly, as much as I really like his mic work, Big Show just doesn’t work as a face because it’s so damn hard to find a decent and worthy and credible heel for him to face. After all, he’s SEVEN FEET TALL and weighs 485lb! And whilst I’m ranting, I’d like to state my distaste for his finishing move. The Knockout Blow just doesn’t work for me. Why does it have to wait until the end of the match? It’s just a right hand punch! You can use it at any time!

Sorry, I’m supposed to comment on the match? OK then. Very boring. Not much happened. Waste of time. Punk’s promo was ace though.

Rating: 1.5 out of 5 (I can’t give anything to do with Punk a one, I physically can’t).

Daniel Bryan made The Miz tap out to the LaBell Lock to become the new United States Champion!

Yes! Everything really is coming up the internet! Daniel Bryan got an excellent match and The Miz came off stronger than ever. The offence Miz took on Bryan’s arm made sense and the Alex Riley usage actually worked as well. Seeing Bryan actually win matches makes him a credible force, his Judo moves were integrated flawlessly and this feud may still keep going! It also proves that Miz doesn’t need a title to remain a main event heel. The fact that he didn’t cash in his Money in the Bank at the end of the evening also means that now he’s got to hold onto it until WrestleMania now, surely? Match of the night by far.

So why not a five? Two words: Michael. Cole. At the best of times, he mildly irritates me. At the worst, it literally takes every fibre of my being to resist smashing my telly in. And when he commentates on Daniel Bryan matches he turns into a super heel. This wouldn’t be a problem if it wasn’t for how he does it. He literally attacks Bryan for no reason. Because he doesn’t watch TV, because he sleeps for 12 hours a day and because he’s vegan, VEGAN, Cole hates Bryan’s guts.

Whenever Striker or Lawler defend Bryan, Cole literally shrieks; “But the guys a freak! He doesn’t even eat meat! What kind of person doesn’t eat meat?!” And nobody stands up to him. The most that anyone does is Lawler casually remarking, “I think you’re getting a bit carried away, Michael.”

GFDYC!!!!!

Rating: 4 out of 5.

Michelle McCool (with a little help from Layla) beat Melina to become the Unified Divas Champion!

I’m tempted to give this a five just because Michelle McCool is a smoking hottie! (I mean, every teenage boy needs to have their fantasy, right?) But then I remembered the botch-fest-disguised-as-a-human-life-form Melina was involved so that instantly removes a point. And then there were the Lumberjills. The absolute worst Lumberjacks or Jills I have ever seen. C’mon, have you ever seen a Lumberjack match where the Lumberjacks actively go out of their way to NOT throw people back in to the ring? You could’ve made the match just one-on-one and got the same effect and message across.

Maybe it was supposed to remind us how many Divas there are. It reminded me how much Gail Kim needs to win a goddamn title.

Rating: 3 out of 5 (for a Divas match).

Kane beat The Undertaker in a No Holds Barred Match to retain the World Heavyweight Championship after reversing a Tombstone Piledriver into one of his own!

No Holds Barred matches involve lots of drawn out punching and exchanges. It’s nothing like a No DQ or Extreme Rules match up. So we got a No Holds Barred match. And dear lord was it boring! A lot of the match saw either Kane, Taker or both men sprawled out in a heap on the floor. Aside from Kane flying into a pillar, the sweet tombstone counter and Taker’s sick leap over the barricade, this match was really slow, really boring and really botched. Damn shame.

Though the diatribes about how the commentary team had to act as if Kane and Taker are actually brothers and how Kane really has stolen Taker’s “mystical powers” were priceless. I expect Demon Hipster Chicks at Hell In A Cell, or else!

Rating: 2 out of 5.

Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre beat all other tag teams in a Tag Team Turmoil Match to become the new Unified Tag Team Champions!
Oh, the WWE tag team division! How I pity thee! The Hart Dynasty went out instantly and were shortly followed by The Usos, so no actual tag team won the titles. On the bright side, Cody and Drew work really well together and they had teamed before so they get away with it sort of. As for the match, it was quite entertaining. Even if it was very short and they insisted that the comedy team of Santino and Koslov be allowed to be genuine contenders. Hey, I find them funny. They should never ever become a genuine tag team though.

Also, Striker actually asked Cole to tell us what we could expect from The Hart Dynasty for those who don’t watch RAW and instead watch SmackDown. It reminded me that I really need to rant about how people are allowed to, and do, watch both SmackDown and RAW and that the groups who watch RAW and the groups that watch SmackDown are not mutually exclusive, despite what the WWE thinks.

Rating: 3 out of 5.

Randy Orton defeated Sheamus, John Cena, Edge, Chris Jericho & Wade Barret in a Six Pack Elimination Challenge to become the new WWE Champion!

Now this shits all over the Opposite Momentum chart! Orton has been on fire for weeks now, and he wins the championship taking out three people by himself!? This is utter madness. I love it!

The WWE appear to have found their perfect champion for now with Orton. Unlike Sheamus, the crowd can actually get behind him. Unlike Cena who is adored by women and nine year olds and hated by actual wrestling fans (the man has about 4 moves for godsakes!) and men over 39, he is adored by everyone and hated by few. He is also a really good wrestler and is a great presence on screen.

As for the match, really good. Jericho going out in under a minute and a half was genuinely shocking and was treated with the shock and respect it deserves. Could’ve done without the Nexus invasion to be honest, but at least it worked well. And it didn’t drag on for too long either. Good clean main event for a solid pay-per-view.

Rating: 4 out of 5.

So that was Night Of Champions. What did you think? Did it rule like a mighty Roman emperor? Or was it about as effective as David Cameron and Nick Clegg’s coalition government? Hit the comments below!

TV Is A Coward: A Porn Movie Without The Sex

2010-09-19T11:12:00.003+01:00

Christ, it's been a while since I've written one of these properly, hasn't it? Right then; quite a bit to get through, so let's get cracking with knacking! Yes, the knacking is necessary. Silence!

If you want to see how a good American comedy is done, then you really need to watch Better Off Ted (FX). Why? Because it's funny, for a start. Damn damn funny! Over the last several weeks this show has been able to match The Big Bang Theory on the Average Laughs Per Minute scale, so you know it's damn good. It's a quirky sitcom about a group of characters working for an evil corporation, with them knowing that they work for an evil corporation. Despite featuring a cast of people you'll have never heard of, excluding Portia De Rossi for all 19 of you British Arrested Development fans (myself included), and the slight handicap of being cancelled after two seasons; FX have been treating this show extremely well with double bills on at roughly the same time every Tuesday and lots of promotion. Try and catch this show before it's too late.

Meanwhile, Lie To Me (Sky1) continues it's quest to jump the shark at a nauseatingly fast speed. Sadly, ever since the show took a long (and, dear lord, do I mean LONG) mid season break, the show's quality has been dropping faster than my erection at a Grandmother's Bikini Contest. The plots have been getting nonsensical, the science has been getting relegated, the attempts at continuity between episodes have been absolutely pathetic and the crimes just don't make any sense. Most people will declare me thick because I've gotten easily confused with the crimes and suspects on this show, but there is a difference between me being thick and a show just making no sense at all.

Worst of all? It's now boring. Frequently, it's so boring that I check the time left in each episode every 4 and a bit minutes. The only thing holding this show together and making it watchable is Tim Roth who just plain rules as Cal Lightman. Oh, and the intro. Can't forget that excellent intro. The show returns in November for it's 3rd season, so hopefully by then it'll have sorted itself out. Because I used to really like Lie To Me and I still want to really like Lie To Me, but there really is only so long that one man can hold up one show. Even if that man is Tim Roth.

Now if you want to watch a really, really, REALLY bad American comedy... well first of all you may want to get your head checked and probably seek help, but then you should most definitely watch Secret Girlfriend (Fiver). Do not ask how I decided to watch this show (an advert on Five made me almost certain that this would be... interesting at least) but what it is is quite possibly the worst thing that I have seen on television all year. No understatement.

So it's a sitcom. STARRING YOU! It's one of those shows where everybody assumes that the camera man is a character in the show and just talk to the camera all of the time. So in Secret Girlfriend you are a handsome, funny, witty, sexy, ladies man who everybody lusts over and is so perfect that if you had met him in real life you'd bludgeon him to death with a 2x4. Your friends are desperate lonely stereotypes. Your ex-girlfriend is crazy but she's that typical American sitcom type of crazy in which she breaks into your house to perform a song on guitar whilst naked in order for you to take her back. And your new girl is a funny, sexy, caring type who is also perfect in every single way. It's the ultimate author insert fan-fiction folks.

In place of actual storylines, there are plots about using dead dogs to get you laid and trying to help Idiot Friend A have his first wet dream. In the place of actual jokes, we have people sticking forks in their head, debates about the sexuality of masturbation and, the classic, knob gags. It's like a porn film without the sex. It's like the first sign of the downfall of civilisation. It's so tragically unfunny, that it's actually hillarious and I recommend it to you folks whole-heartedly. It's a damn sight more entertaining than the second half of this season of Lie To Me anyway.

Very quickly, would like to point out that the Nathan Fillion fronted Castle (alibi) is back this Wednesday. Why should you care? Because it's got Nathan Fillion, that's why! Now bugger off! Go and get on with your lives!

TV Is A Coward: Why Nobody Wins From Bravo, Bravo 2 And Channel One Shutting Down

2010-09-18T16:42:00.002+01:00

I’ll talk about telly programmes later. I’ll be funny later. I need to get serious with you folks for a minute.

Last Wednesday, BSkyB announced that they had purchased the UK television channels Bravo, Bravo 2 and Channel One. That same day, they announced that they were shutting down the channels altogether for good.

This, ladies and gents, is, believe it or not, a very, very bad thing.

Let’s start with Bravo 2. OK; to be fair to Sky, no one is going to miss this, seeing as nothing of any worth has been put out on Bravo 2 since they lost the rights to Adult Swim to FX and TNA Pay-Per-Views to Extreme Sports of all channels. So, yeah. Bravo 2, go die in a hole. You too, you die hard Monster Jam fans!

Channel One, next. And this actually is sad. Why? Two shows! Chuck and The Life and Times of Tim. Those two shows have been consistent stamps of quality across these last two years and have ensured that there’s always something decent on during the summer. Both of these shows definitely do not seem like they will get a big enough audience for any of the three (one necessary, two pointless) Sky channels and Tim especially seems far too out there for Sky to pick up. So these two outstanding programmes could soon be departing British screens.

As for the rest of Channel One’s line up? Well, it’s a mixed bag. But since removing the Virgin logo from the title, the channel seems to be picking up slightly. But it is a case of too little too late for my sympathy in this case. However, for bringing two of my favourite TV shows to the UK, they will always have my respect.

Now then, Bravo. This is most certainly the saddest of the closures. Firstly, because it has been running since 1985 and is one of the last original digital channels still standing. But mainly because of the actual content that the channel shows or has shown. Sure, some of it is schlocky (stand up, In Your Face. Actually, don’t) and some of it is crap (I’m looking your way, Dog The Bounty Hunter), but most of it isn’t!

They broke TNA in the UK. They gave us the best weekly video game television series of all time in the shape of Gamer.tv. They picked up the shows that no one else would touch, specifically Spartacus: Blood And Sand and Deadliest Warrior. They gave us Sons Of Anarchy and (to a much lesser extent) Leverage. And they helped feed the Chuck Norris legend with re-runs of Walker: Texas Ranger. Bravo has been a fixture of digital TV for years and its death is mega-depressing.

We have the problem of losing most of these shows because of this. These shows are going to have to migrate to the three numbered Sky channels or face extinction in the digital wastelands. Spartacus (assuming that that second season ever gets made) is way too much for the mainstream channels but could be picked up by FX. Chuck has a rather decent following, but may get buried on Sky3 instead of the mega push that Channel One gives it every week. Sons Of Anarchy is in the hands of Five USA, so God help us all. The Life and Times of Tim is definitely too out there for any of the Sky channels. Leverage is basically the American Hustle, so that’ll certainly get picked up. And TNA? It won’t stay on Sky, I know that much. Not whilst they have WWE programming.

But the loss of the programmes is not the major issue here. No. It’s Rupert Murdoch trying desperately to kill off Freeview. You see, Channel One, Bravo and Bravo 2 all have two things in common. They were all owned by Living Corporation and they were all available on both Freeview and Sky. By killing off these channels, and moving the shows that they house, Sky are trying to tempt Freeview owners away from their system and to join up to Sky to continue watching their favourite programmes. Essentially, they are trying to get people to pay for stuff they used to get for free.

Just like THQ and EA Sports’ Online Pass system (buy the game new and you get the online modes, buy pre-owned and you have to pay for stuff for free), I can really only see this hurting both systems. Freeview will be stuffed to the brim with crap quiz show channels (Challenge has somehow inexplicably escaped any cuts) and shopping channels that will kill off all potential viewers. Whilst Sky may get a series of boycotters angry at gobbling up anything and everything in sight off of Freeview and refuse to pay a ridiculous amount of money for 500 odd channels of which they’ll only watch about 12.

Regardless, I’m getting off topic. The loss of Bravo, Channel One and (to a lesser extent) is a sad day for digital television as the Murdoch Empire knocks off another rival. Join me in mourning folks. It’s not optional.

Bonus Picture: Why Scott Pilgrim Bombed

2010-09-06T11:26:00.007+01:00

Fact: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is a great movie. It is my "best movie of the year so far" by far. A nice simple statement there.

Another fact: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World has bombed. Horrifically. At the time of writing, it has made back $33 and a half million of its budget, which ranges anywhere between 60 and 90 million dollars. If this seems like a good thing, it’s been out in America for 3 weeks now. So, to reiterate, Scott Pilgrim has bombed.

Some sectors of the internet took offence to this. The Escapist in particular being one such battle ground due to the views of their resident film critic. I can’t claim the moral high ground, seeing as I got a bit pissed off too when those figures came in. But I’m a reasonable and respectable wannabe movie journalist (SHUT UP I AM!) and I happen to know exactly why Scott Pilgrim has failed. So I’m going to list them for you right now. After all, that’s the point of the article.

1] Michael Cera is in the lead role.

Newsflash people: Michael Cera is not a popular guy. In fact, most of the internet generally regards him as a bit of an insufferable prick. There are two reasons for this and they both stem from the same cause. The less main reason is that Michael Cera plays the quiet unassuming type who is perfect in every way but just needs to get girls to understand him. He does by the end of the movie, obviously, but the fact that he is perfect in every way and always gets the girl infuriates most normal human beings. Why can’t they be the lucky bastard who gets the girl all of the time?

This wouldn’t be so much of a problem if it wasn’t for the main main reason: Michael Cera always plays the exact same role. He always plays Michael Cera. He always plays the quiet unassuming type who is perfect in every way but just needs to get girls to understand him. He always gets the girl at the end. He never plays anything else. So all of the goodwill he gained from Arrested Development, Superbad and Juno has been obliterated by his obstinate refusal to step outside his comfort zone.

But in Scott Pilgrim, Cera does play someone different. He plays a whiney, self absorbed, selfish dick. He is likeable, but he has more flaws besides “Girls just don’t understand him”. And it is those flaws, and Cera’s ability to step outside of his comfort zone so willingly, which make Cera more likeable than he’s been in years.

Unfortunately, neither the trailers nor the promotional material have done anything to change this perception of Cera. And since it looks like yet another film in which Michael Cera chases after a good looking girl for 90 minutes, most people are going to skip it on principle. Which is a shame, seeing as the time he’s stepped out of his comfort zone is the time that it’s failed miserably.

2] The release date was wrong.

Just allow me to set the scene for you here. The week before Scott Pilgrim’s American release we saw The Other Guys and Step Up 3D make their way to screens. The same week in America that Scott Pilgrim was released; Eat Pray Love and The Expendables were also released. Finally; the week after Scott Pilgrim was released in America, there was the triple whammy of Vampires Suck, The Switch and Piranha 3D to contend with. Do you see what I’m getting at here?

In the UK, it was perfectly timed. The only films coming out the same week as Scott Pilgrim were Grown Ups, Diary Of A Wimpy Kid and Piranha 3D. Very little competition for the film to find an audience and it showed, reaching no. 2 in the UK box office (only beaten by Grown Ups. Ugh.). But in America, there were too many films coming out at the same time for a niche film like this to find a mass market. If it had come out during a week when there was nothing interesting out and people really wanted to go to the cinema, a niche film like this could’ve done well. Actually, that brings us very nicely to the final point.

3] Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is a niche film.

This appears to be the one thing that The Escapist’s MovieBob forgot about when moaning that The Expendables beat it open weekend, so much as to declare everybody who saw The Expendables retarded sheep. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is a niche film. It is not for everyone. It does not feature many big name cast members (save for Michael Cera, but we’ve already talked about him). The Expendables, meanwhile, is a mainstream movie. It is for just about everyone. And its cast list is filled with big stars and big names. So that is why The Expendables won and Scott Pilgrim lost.

It’s not just The Expendables you need to compare it to either. You need to compare the contents of the movie to everything else on the market. The film is basically genreless. It’s not a romantic comedy in the traditional sense. It’s not an action movie in the traditional sense. The cast is comprised of mostly unknowns, except to some nerds. The film contains tonnes of videogame references. Mostly references that occurred around about 20 years ago that only nerds are going to get. And it’s also a love letter to every bit of geek culture of the last 20 odd years.

Now, you try telling me that a niche film like that is going to find a mass market audience. You can’t, can you?

4] Conclusion.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World bombed for those three main reasons. Michael Cera being in the lead role, the poorly timed release date and, the big major reason, the fact that it is a niche film. In mainstream cinemas, Scott Pilgrim is not going to find an audience. But the good news is that it will most certainly make all of its money back with DVD sales and become a cult classic which will be every serious movie geek’s required viewing within a few years in the process.

So to all of you people getting your knickers in a twist that Scott Pilgrim is being obliterated by something like Eat Pray Love, just ask yourself this one question. Which movie do you think people will still be watching and still talking about in, say, another five years? Then sit back and feel smug that you saw it first before all of those posers did.

Screen One: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

2010-08-28T19:28:00.004+01:00

Film: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Director: Edgar Wright
Written By: Edgar Wright, Michael Bacall (Screenplay); Bryan Lee O’Malley (Source Material)
Distributor: Universal Pictures
Run Time: 1 hour 52 minutes
Starring: Michael Cera, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Ellen Wong, Kieran Culkin, Allison Pill, Jason Schwartzmann

To put it simply, Scott Pilgrim is THE film that I’ve been most looking forward to all year with the possible exception of Toy Story 3. I’ve followed this since the start of the year and ingested every single little bit of detail that has dripped from its orifices as soon as it was released. The point that I’m laboriously trying to get to, is that I have been desperately wanting to see Scott Pilgrim since I first heard about it back in January.

The absolutely great news is that Scott Pilgrim really does deliver on almost all levels. It’s a two hour love letter to everything nerd and geek; that also doubles as a brilliant love story with brilliant action scenes and great performances from everybody. Even Kieran Culkin!

The story follows the titular Scott Pilgrim (Cera). A 23 year old slacker who shares a flat with his gay roommate Wallace Wells (Culkin), plays bass in a band called Sex Bob-Omb (yes, that Bob-Omb), is “between jobs” and is dating a 17 year old schoolgirl called Knives Chao (Wong). But then he literally meets the girl of his dreams in the shape of Ramona Flowers (Winstead) and they start to completely fall for each other. But there is a catch: In order to date her, Scott must defeat Ramona’s seven evil exes, who are all coming to kill him.

From there, the film devolves into a breathless series of boss battles between each of the exes with very little breathing room in between. So those fights had better stack up. So it’s a very good thing they do. Every single fight is not only a great spectacle: with split screens, jump cuts, CGI waves of energy and words appearing whenever somebody is hit; but also very innovative and entertaining. Specific moments that should be highlighted are the Bass Battle with Todd Ingram (Brandon Routh being, well, Brandon Routh), the Amp vs. Amp showdown with the Katayanagi brothers and Scott’s body being used like a puppet during the fight with Roxy Richter.

During the moments where the film does slow down, we have a collection of fantastic performances to admire. Michael Cera still plays Michael Cera, but he’s never played Michael Cera better. And his Michael Cera-ness is thankfully cut back on so that it never becomes overwhelming or turns into “Michael Cera as Michael Cera in Michael Cera: The Revenge Of Michael Cera”. Elsewhere; Mary Elizabeth Winstead makes a great Ramona, Kieran Culkin is frequently hilarious as Scott’s gay roommate and Jason Schwartzmann is suitably douchebaggy and funny as Gideon Graves, the leader of the evil exes.

Of course; this could be any film by anybody, if only it wasn’t in the hands of the genius that is Edgar Wright. His direction here is impeccable and handled with real deft and precision. Quite often, it really does feel as if the film is just a videogame in film form. Nice touches like points, extra lives, combo counters, versus screens, the iconic K.O. from Street Fighter Alpha 3 and one extra little touch that I’d rather not spoil, but it’ll have you River City Ransom fans giving a little squirt of fandom joy. Edgar Wright has always sneaked tonnes of references into his previous films but here they are front and centre for everyone to see.

But the best thing about Scott Pilgrim is that if you strip away all of the bells and whistles, the references and the flashy lights you will still have left a deep and very well told love story about fighting for the one you love. The fact that, unlike most action rom-coms, it can still tell a good, often great, love story when you strip away all of the action is a testament to the exceptional work put in by everybody involved and elevates Scott Pilgrim to classic status instantly.

And yet… I just cannot give this the 5 stars that it so richly deserves. There is one very good reason for that: not everybody is going to “get” Scott Pilgrim. It is a niche film, made for a niche audience. And whilst it is great fun and exceptionally well-made, most people are going to find Scott Pilgrim to be too nerdy or too “out-there” for their tastes. Since I don’t get paid for doing this jo… hobby and can’t sell my soul to a corporation, I like to think that I review for everyone and that my opinion can be taken by anybody as the “average movie-goer’s” view. As most people are not going to like Scott Pilgrim, which I’m completely ok with (unlike some people), I cannot give this a 5. And, whilst I’m nitpicking, some of the characters do not get enough screen time. Specifically, Evil Exes 5 and 6.

But this does not mean that you should re-prioritise what you are going to be seeing this weekend. To put it in the simplest and bluntest possible terms: YOU MUST SEE SCOTT PILGRIM! Usually I preface that with “if it is playing near you” but this time I’m not. Scott Pilgrim must be seen by everybody, even if you don’t like it. It is an expertly made, expertly written, expertly acted piece of cinema made by the nerd’s nerd for nerds and a guaranteed cult classic which will be any serious movie geek’s required viewing in a few years. Go and see it now, so that in later years you can say that you saw it first so that makes you cooler than all of those posers.

Oh, and whilst you’re watching, keep an eye out for the best cameo(s) of the whole year. Seriously, it’s 2010’s Zombieland moment.

4 out of 5.

WWE SummerSlam 2010 Recap

2010-08-16T17:35:00.002+01:00

Welcome, one and all to the Official Unofficial Opinionated WWE SummerSlam 2010 recap. And, in our first SummerSlam, I enter with a little trepidation. Specifically, the trepidation of the announced matches numbering six, and many of them being a recipe for mediocrity. The elimination tag match is the one that’s been built up the most, but has anybody actually thought about how poorly this could go? I mean; the quality of team WWE is rather poor. And Bret Hart is the one that is supposed to save the team? The guy who has had a stroke and if he gets hit in a certain area with enough force he could die, is the massive acquisition?

Regardless, my mu... I mean, I paid £15 for this damn pay-per-view, so I’m at least going to try and enjoy it! Here’s how this recap will work. I’m going to offer my honest opinions on each of the matches and rate them out of 5 in relation to the rest of the pay per view. Oh, and I will only comment on the matches, none of the promos. Except THAT Miz promo, which I’ll give a shout out to now. So then, let’s get Slammed! In Summer!

Dolph Ziggler retained the Intercontinental Title against Kofi Kingston when The Nexus invaded the match for no goddamn reason!
Did this really need to be at the pay-per-view? I mean, we’ve seen Kofi and Dolph face each other week in and week out for the last three or four weeks now. WWE; it’s really getting old. It’s like Rey Mysterio and Jack Swagger when they faced off against each other endlessly for about six weeks in a row. Don’t get me wrong, Ziggler and Kingston can both put on a great match together. But we’ve seen them take on each other so much recently, it’s kind of lost its spark.

I personally loved it when Kofi’s entrance cut Vickie Guerrero short. I would sleep easy at night if I knew that she was no longer on telly. The match itself was serviceable. Of course it was, it’s the same match we’ve seen for the last few weeks! Then Nexus came in when the Sleeper Hold was locked in and attacked everyone for... some reason. I think it was some display of power. Who knows? And, frankly, who cares? At least SmackDown is now, apparently, worth invading.

Rating: 2 out of 5.

Melina defeated Alicia Fox to win the Divas Championship! After the match, Laycool (Michelle McCool & Layla) came and attacked Melina for some reason!
What can I say? It was an above average match. Which admittedly, for a Divas match, is pretty damn surprising. It’s not a particularly memorable match, and it was also really predictable, but it wasn’t a train wreck either. Melina’s costume was... weird, to say the least. That’s all I’m saying on the matter. And the after match... thing with LayCool. Urgh. Still; Melina is not the most talented Diva on the RAW roster so why is the title on her. Plus, who needs a microphone when you can scream that loud?

Rating: 3 out of 5 (for a Divas match).

Big Show defeated The Straight Edge Society (CM Punk, Luke Gallows and Joey Mercury) in a Three-On-One Handicap Match!
This match could’ve been, and really should’ve been, better than it was. I like Big Show (mostly) and I like The SES (mostly). Putting them both together, especially with the rather humorous promos that they’ve shared recently, should’ve made a great match. To put it bluntly, the match was too short, too underdeveloped and too boring. And the Tornado Tag rules led to that wonderful multi person match where people spend ages laying around on the floor and alternate being in the ring. They also continued to tease the SES break up here. I personally think they should win one more pay-per-view match before that happens. Seeing as losing is all they do.

Rating: 2 out of 5.

Randy Orton defeated Sheamus after Sheamus intentionally DQ’d himself so that he could retain the WWE Championship! After the match, Orton RKO’d Sheamus on the announce table which didn’t break!
I keep saying this over and over and over; and yet STILL the WWE fails to realise it. SHEAMUS NEEDS CLEAN WINS! If you still want to build him up as a dominant force of nature, you need to give him CLEAN WINS! And this DQ was the most pathetic DQ in the history of mankind. Oh, no! The referee didn’t have the strength to remove the chair off of Sheamus and was accidentally thrown out! Better DQ him, right now!

Which is a shame, because the match itself was really good up to that point. Lots of traded offense, Sheamus got to look good as a grounder and we got the most obvious reversal to the RKO in the history of mankind. The after match RKO onto the announce table was also really cool, and general consensus is that it looked like it actually hurt. It’s just such a shame that the match had to end so shittily. Boo, and indeed, hiss!

Rating: 3 out of 5 (a point comes off for the shitty ending).

Kane defeated Rey Mysterio to retain the World Heavyweight Championship! Afterwards, The Undertaker returned and identified Kane as his assailant who gave him a Tombstone Piledriver for his troubles!
Finally! A properly great match! The story was told really well within the match and I, for one, am happy to see Kane retain. Rey got in some good moves and basically ticked off everything on his “Stuff To Do During A Match” list, whilst Kane was re-established as a relentless and dominating force. Finally, it ran for a good length too which left me satisfied.

And so we come to the post match segment. Seriously people, how cool was it to see The Undertaker just to appear in the coffin!? The reveal that Kane has been behind it all along is something that I, and most of the internet, had figured out ever since this storyline began. What I didn’t see coming though, was Kane being able to actually tombstone The Undertaker on his return night. A nice pleasant surprise that will hopefully lead into a great feud for these two.

Rating: 5 out of 5.

Team WWE (John Cena, John Morrison, R-Truth, Chris Jericho, Edge, Bret Hart & Daniel Bryan!) defeated The Nexus (Wade Barrett, David Otunga, Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel, Skip Sheffield, Darren Young & Michael Tarver) in an Elimination Tag Match!
Well... who saw that coming then? I’d love to know how the WWE managed to keep the fact that Daniel Bryan returned to them a secret almost all the way up to the reveal! And he was allowed to actual beat not one, but two people as well! When The Miz attacked him during the match, this can lead to two great things. 1] The Miz is now the major main event heel he was always destined to be. And 2] A Daniel Bryan/Miz feud! Sweet Jesusing Christ! Everything’s coming up the internet!

As for the match itself, it was surprisingly excellent. It told an exceptional story and featured a lot of great talent and, most surprisingly, didn’t completely suck. John Morrison actually hit Starship Pain! Daniel Bryan made people tap! Edge and Jericho predictably turned! Skip Sheffield got to hit his Super Mega Dominating Clothesline Of Ultimate Doom! not once but twice, which is two times too many. And Justin Gabriel’s Emo-Wrist Cutting 450 Despair missed!

Unfortunately, I have to take 1 and a half points off of the final score for some absolutely atrocious commentary. There was the predictable “THIS WILL BE THE END OF THE WWE AS WE KNOW IT IF NEXUS WIN!” bullshit spewed from everybody’s mouths. But that was not all. Some bright spark decided that, since Daniel Bryan was back, Michael Cole’s ridiculous NXT character should be back too. And so; every single motherfucking time Bryan was in the ring, we had to hear Cole state how he is crap at everything he does and he should go off and die in a corner. This was not a good thing. Finally; when Team WWE won, the reaction from the commentators was so extreme you’d think they’d just won World War Three!

WWE. Please, sort out your announce team! Because you are currently burying great matches with shit commentating.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5.

So that was SummerSlam. What did you all think of it? Leave your thoughts underneath!

Screen One: The Expendables

2010-08-14T20:01:00.007+01:00

Film: The Expendables
Director: Sylvester Stallone
Written By: David Callaham (Story), Sylvester Stallone & David Callaham (Screenplay)
Distributor: Lionsgate
Run Time: 1 hour 43 minutes
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke, Eric Roberts, David Zayas

The Expendables has quite a fair bit riding on it. What with having the finest line-up of action stars to ever feature on the big screen starring in one movie, you would expect the be all end all of action movies. It’s not. But if you lower your expectations and simply go in wanting a movie that is really fun and really stupid and really explodey, then you will leave the cinema more than satisfied. Make no mistake; The Expendables is a damn fun movie!

Stallone plays Barney Ross (and that’s the most sensibly named character in the movie), the leader of The Expendables. They are a ragtag band of mercenaries who also feature Lee Christmas (Statham), Yin Yang (Li), Hale Ceasar (Crews), Toll Road (Couture), Gunnar Jensen (Lundgren) and their reluctant tattoo artist Tool (Rourke). They take the jobs that no one else will. And their latest exploit involves having to liberate the island of Vilena from the tyrannical rule of General Garza (Zayas), who is being funded by ex-CIA agent James Monroe (Roberts).

That is basically the extent of the plot. There is a subplot involving Ross falling for a woman called Sandra, but that’s about your lot. It’s a throwback to the classic action movies of the 80’s and early 90’s, before 9/11 came along and all action heroes were required to have a personality deeper than that of a spoon with its bottom half being liberated. A time when men were manly manly men! A time when if something isn’t exploding at least once every five minutes, it’s not a real action film! And a time when men have no use for women as they’ll just get in the way of the bullets!

As such, performances are quite thin. Stallone, Statham and Li get the most screen time and most of the banter, so their characters are the most fleshed out. Lundgren gets a couple of good moments, Austin gets two fight scenes and Rourke gets the most simultaneously excellent and cringeworthy speech in the whole movie. David Zayas doesn’t get a whole lot to do as Garza, Eric “freakin’” Roberts is Eric “freakin’” Roberts whilst Gisele Itié makes the best of being paper thin arm candy. This means that Crews and Couture get the short end of the stick, with the least screen time of the lot, their roles basically being like cameos.

Whilst I’m here picking faults, the film attempts drama at several several points throughout the film. To break it gently, it doesn’t end well. It’s not laughably bad, like so many other action movies, but it’s just so bland and boring. This makes the second act a tad slow and reaches the nadir of poor drama with that Rourke speech at the end of it. Finally, the advertisers have decided to focus on the scene which Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone share the screen as the film’s big selling point. Yes, it did give me a little fanboy squirt. But sadly, the scene is a let down. Not only do they not kill anyone (obviously), but the jokes and dialogue also fall flat. So the scene us a disappointment. Sorry, but that’s the truth.

But hey! Drama is for pussies! We’re here for the action, people! Wisely, the film saves the big (and, dear lord, do I mean BIG) action scene for the final 30 minutes. So we instead get dripfed awesome action scene after awesome action scene. The fist fights (between the likes of Stallone and Austin) are brilliant, the gun battles are exceptional, the car chases… are great but could be better. There are loads of excellent action scenes. People’s top halves are liberated from their bottom halves liberally, decapatations are the norm, people can survive a halestorm of bullets, and there is a scene in which somebody flying punches a man WHO IS ON FIRE! It’s ridiculously balls to the wall overkill and does not apologise for it.

To be honest, there’s not much you haven’t seen before and it’s not particularly memorable. But it is really bloody fun! And once you strip away the massive star power, that’s the best thing that the film has. I have not had this much pure fun at a movie since Iron Man 2. And I somehow doubt that I’m going to have more fun this year.

If you live in America, and for some strange reason Scott Pilgrim vs. The World doesn’t interest you in the slightest, then go and see The Expendables. Like, right the hell NOW! If you live in the UK and you can’t attend the advanced previews, then see The Expendables this coming Friday on opening day. I mean, your other options are Salt, Piranha 3D or… sigh… Marmaduke. Yeah, I thought so.

Critics are going to hate it. The public’s going to love it. The Expendables is an adrenaline fuelled, turbo charged shot of pure fun. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

4 out of 5.

Screen One: Inception

2010-08-07T18:42:00.002+01:00

Film: Inception
Director: Christopher Nolan
Written By: Christopher Nolan
Distributor: Warner Bros. Pictures
Run Time: 2 hours 28 minutes
Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Tom Hardy, Dileep Rao, Marion Cotillard, Cillian Murphy, Ken Wantanabe

I am in awe.

In my Bonus Picture column for Toy Story 3 that I published about two days ago, I was responding to comments on my review. I made the confident assumption that nothing would beat Kick-Ass to my Best Non-Pixar Film of 2010. I believed that nothing would top Kick-Ass for pure fun and pure quality and pure excellence.

But then I saw Inception. And I take absolutely everything I said back.

The plot involves Dom Cobb (DiCaprio), an extractor who enters people’s dreams to steal ideas of theirs for whom ever has employed him. But he is battling his own demons in the form of manifestations of his wife (Cotillard) and a past he refuses to talk about. When he is offered a chance to return to his own life via one last job, he accepts. But said job is Inception, the art of planting an idea into someone’s mind, which is much harder and maybe even impossible. As the stakes raise and the risks mount, Cobb starts losing his grip on reality and starts to wonder what is real and what isn’t.

No more plot info. I know I keep revealing as little of the plot as possible in order to make the experience for you as fresh as possible. But this is a case of revealing any of the plot truly spoiling the entire experience. What I wrote above was the most I knew going into the film, so revealing anything else would mean you entering the film knowing more than I did. And that isn’t a good thing. Because Inception is an experience.

It’s also an experience led by an all-star ensemble cast who give career best performances across the board. In an ensemble piece like this, and with performances as consistently exceptional as this, it’s hard to pick stand outs. But I’m going to anyway. Ellen Page proves that all of that praise for her portrayal of Juno was no fluke. Leonardo DiCaprio gives his best performance since The Departed as Cobb. To say anything more about Marion Cotillard’s performance would ruin more of the film for you. Words can barely describe Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s work; the closest I can get being “unbelievable”. And Tom Hardy just plain rules throughout the movie. I spy our next James Bond!

The action sequences are not only original, but also breathtaking. Once more, I can’t say more about those action scenes as they are an integral part of the second and third acts. But they are a revelation and will have you leaning even closer to the screen than before.

Integral to the action scenes are the dream worlds. Nearly all of the movie takes place in dream worlds, so they need to look great and be believable. And they are. The reason for this is that so little of the film is CG. The lack of CG makes the dream worlds more believable and much easier to be invested in. I actually remember reading somewhere that someone criticised the film for not going far enough with the dream worlds. That the dreams should be more out there and more dream like. This person completely missed the point of the dream worlds and the film if they truly believe this. But again, to say anything more is to ruin the film.

I’d also like to quickly praise the film’s sound design. So rarely do film makers pay attention to how music and audio and overall sound design can help immerse the viewer and add to the experience of the film. So, extra kudos to Hans Zimmer for his exceptional score and to whoever arranged the audio tracks in the film. Their hard work is our additional gain. Oh, and I must praise the ending. I rarely see a film that gives an ending of the exact same quality of what has come before. Nor do I very often see an ending that will incite as much fevered debate and conversation topics as this one.

If you haven’t been convinced by Memento, Batman Begins and The Dark Knight of Christopher Nolan’s genius, then Inception will. It is Nolan's masterpiece. People often say that you can teach a class on a movie. With Inception, you could teach a whole freakin’ course on the film. It is literally a how-to guide on good film making. It’s how to make a great film in every single aspect. There is so little wrong with the film that I couldn’t find it on my viewing. If I could, I would see it again. There is nothing more I can say other than go see Inception. You really do owe it to yourself.

5 out of 5.

Bonus Picture: Responding To Responses About My Toy Story 3 Review

2010-08-06T13:42:00.003+01:00

Funnily enough, here on my blog I don’t get that many views or comments. I guess you’re all worried I’ll either ignore you to death or shout you to death. So I post my reviews on two other websites in order to gather feedback for improvement and to chat with other movie fans about the resulting product. These websites are The Escapist and Screened.com. So, in a new feature I will use whenever I can’t be arsed to come up with something intellectual to say about each film, I will post my responses to these responses within these confines. Though you can also see them and read the whole thread on The Escapist.

S.R.S.:
I think there may be a fault with the movie, for me it was "the villian" I knew it was coming (unlike The Prospector) there was a line in the trailer that gave it away. Oh and there will be mass shortages of Toy Story 3 DVDs around the world too.

True. He does give off the rather obvious "I am quite possibly evil" scent as soon as he appears. But he's still a rather good villain, what with being fantastically well written and having several layers of depth.

lazinesslord:
I find it hilarious that everyone chose 5 out of 5. (me included)

Well that obviously shows how good it is. I have no doubt in my mind I will see better this year. My question is, what non-Pixar film is going to top Kick-Ass for me?

Gindil:
“The final few scenes of Toy Story 3 are really brutal in the emotional department.”

That wasn't the most brutal scene in the movie. The villain leaving our heroes to a fate worse than death damn near had me crying...

I haven't cried since I found out alchemy wasn't real. (Okay, so I liked Secret of Evermore as a kid, leave me alone!)

I basically meant anything in those final 10 - 15 minutes. But yeah, that was a horrible, horrible scene. In a good way.

LustFull0ne:
I couldn't help myself when watching this movie.

Thank goodness I had those 3D glasses on. Anyway, great review.

Don't worry. Nobody here will judge you on this forum for crying at Toy Story 3! And thanks for the positive comment!

Wrathful:
To this day I haven't seen negative reviews of it. I would love to watch it but I don't know maybe because I just don't like cinemas.

Good review, got me really curious about the final scene which I will eventually get to see.

99% says the Tomato-Meter at this time. I'm guessing the only person who hated it was Armond White, but he's a cretin and a professional troll so I don't think he fully counts.

Anyways, trek to the cinema to see this! It is totally worth it!

FinalHeart95:
Toy Story 3 is one of my top 5 movies. I'm not a huge movie person anyway, but this movie pretty much provides every emotion you can think of. And they did it with a story about toys! The final scene has to be the best scene I've ever seen in a movie. It's something that many people do in their lives, but in this movie it's just... just...

*SSSSOOOOOBBBBB*

I have one very good reason why this scene was so great for me. Empathy. I am basically going through in my life, right now, what Andy did in the movie. I have so many toys that I used to play with and now they just sit there. I don't want to get rid of them though because so many happy memories are encased with them. I do know, though, that I'm keeping them and passing them off to my children when I, hopefully, get older.

Sorry, I'm babbling. Who gives a shit about my personal life? But yeah, it's my No. 1 Pixar Film (which means all-time best film) with a bullet.

Orwellian37:
“Well that obviously shows how good it is. I have no doubt in my mind I will see better this year. My question is, what non-Pixar film is going to top Kick-Ass for me?”

I still think this will NEVAR happen, though I did enjoy the film. As a paraphrased statement by MovieBob I believe, take away all the colors and toys and it really is about death and letting go. It's funnier than most things out there, but still not my exact cup of tea.

4.7 of 5

Fair enough. But could you elaborate on your "I still think this will NEVAR happen" means? Is Kick-Ass your fave film of 2010 so far? If so, good man! Though I think it'll be topped by Scott Pilgrim vs. The World very soon, which I am so seeing on opening weekend! And 4.7 out of 5? Gotta be very precise haven't you?

Albert_Wesker657:
Twas a fabulous end to the Toy Story world. Had me tears the end did XD. But I think we all agree here when I say... Big Baby and that DAMN MONKEY... were quite scary

Indeed. I'm quite surprised they couldn't be arsed to make a Planet Of The Apes reference in that monkey. Then again; I'm sure everybody and their dog, and their dog's puppies, and their puppies unborn puppies, have made that joke at some point.

I'd also like to point out that the Toy Story universe isn't done yet. They're making a short of Toy Story with the original cast to attach to Cars 2. I have a feeling it'll be better than the actual film.

RatRace123:
5 out of 5, duh. It was an awesome, incredibly emotional experience. No movie I can recall has ever made that much of an impact on me.

Thank god for those glasses, they hid my tears... for the most part.

Nothing more to add here.

So, there we go. It’s nice to get some responses for a change. It’s even better when they’re positive responses! So maybe you lot should learn a thing or two and start commenting! Come on! Don’t be shy! I don’t bite! Much.

Screen One: Toy Story 3

2010-07-31T21:04:00.002+01:00

Film: Toy Story 3
Director: Lee Unkrich
Written By: Michael Arndt (Screenplay)
John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton, Lee Unkrich (Story)
Distributor: Walt Disney Pictures
Run Time: 1 hour 43 minutes
Starring: Tom Hanks, Tim Allen, Joan Cusack, Ned Beatty, John Morris (voices)

Disclaimer: The following review is written by somebody who has loved every single Pixar film except Cars (which is good, but not Pixar standard). As such, the review may turn out slightly biased and all words should be taken with a pinch of salt. OK, maybe a shovel of salt.

Before I get into talking about Toy Story, I’d like to make a special mention to the short that is attached to the film: Day & Night. In a back catalogue of shorts as vast and exceptional as Pixar’s (Geri’s Game, in particular), it takes something of great risk and great quality to stand out above the rest. The fact that Day & Night can do so, and do so so well, is a testament to the continued meteoric rise of Pixar’s quality. To say any more would spoil it, just know that you must see it.

Now then, Toy Story 3. Despite all of the trailers, and all of the footage, and all of the news that suggested the contrary, I was still worried that the final film would end up tarnishing the Toy Story franchise. That it would not end up living up to the quality of the first film, let alone the sequel. The sequel that somehow improved upon the excellence of the original in so many ways.

I really should not have worried. Because not only is Toy Story 3 better than Toy Story 2, it’s actually better than absolutely anything that Pixar have ever put out in their entire 26 year history. And that really is saying something.

The plot involves a grown up Andy, who is heading off to college. The toys haven’t been played with for years and face a bleak future in the attic or the trash. All except Woody, who Andy wants to take to college with him. An unfortunate mix up leads to the toys being donated to Sunnyside Daycare, a place that appears to be paradise but has a much more sinister underbelly.
And that is all that I am going to tell you. Go and see the film and find out for yourself. The plot is full of very knowing references to past films, including an absolutely brilliant opening sequence of which I will say no more; has an exceptional villain, and is full of emotion.

That last reason is why Toy Story 3 soars high above all other Pixar films. All of Toy Story 3 is sad. Not sad as in lack of jokes. On the contrary, the film is flooded with them. But sad as in themes, sad as in the story, and sad as in the final 10 to 15 minutes. Forget the opening montage in Up, forget Sully saying goodbye to Boo in Monsters Inc., and forget Jesse’s song in Toy Story 2. The final few scenes of Toy Story 3 are really brutal in the emotional department. They are really really sad and reduced me to tears on several occasions. Seriously.

I mean, it’s so hard to say goodbye to these characters. The final scenes are simultaneously depressing and uplifting. Full of hope and full of heartbreak. Then there’s also an exceptionally dark scene close to the end that is quite possibly the biggest risk that Pixar have ever taken. It may give your younger kids nightmares. Just as a warning.

It’s not just the emotional punch why the film stands out. The action sequences are also superb. Broader in scope, bigger in scale and better than anything Pixar have animated in any of their other films. The jokes are funny, the one-liners are killer, and the slapstick is still hilarious.

You know, I’ve been sat here for over an hour trying to type up my thoughts on Toy Story 3. And I’m finding it so hard to talk about things. Because, as a package, it is perfect. Not a second is wasted, not a shot is unintentionally ugly, not a character underused. Actually, there is a fault. Some of the new characters are barely featured. And if you’re going to cast Timothy Dalton in a mickey taking role as Mr. Pricklepants, then the very least you could do is give him more than four scenes.

Other than that, it’s basically perfect. There is very little to fault with Toy Story 3, and any faults are so tiny and insignificant when placed into the whole package. Toy Story 3 is the best Pixar film ever made, period. And possibly ever. So with all fears of a sub-par threequel put to bed, we can very safely declare Toy Story to be the greatest trilogy of all time.

Thank you, Pixar. Thank you for this exceptional series.

5 out of 5.

TV Is A Coward: The Hilarity-O-Meter

2010-07-10T12:17:00.003+01:00

There is one reason why I hated Ashes To Ashes. Besides the atrocious writing, the poor premise, the massive ret-con of the ending to Life On Mars, the fact that it was basically just a poor man’s Life On Mars… OK, so there were many reasons I hated Ashes To Ashes. But top of that list was Keeley Hawes. As the main character, she couldn’t hold a candle to John Simm. As an actress, she’s as talented as Mia Wasikowska in Alice In Wonderland. She’s also just as annoying.

One of the only reasons I liked 12 Rounds, starring Johhn... CEEEEEEEEEEEEEENAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!, was Aiden Gillen as the bad guy. He oozes charisma, electrifies the screen and is also quite a bit of a riot since he gets all of the character in the film. He also starred in Queer As Folk, one of the best British dramas ever, and The Wire, which I must quote as my “favourite programme of all time” in order to seem as respectable as professional TV critics.

So put these two together in a crime drama and you may have something barely passable. But unfortunately, there’s the wildcard catalyst that speeds up the degeneration into complete shite. And that’s the fact that this is an ITV drama. So we end up with Identity (ITV1), the biggest waste of time I’ve had in the last couple of months.

The premise follows Keeley Hawes’ Identity And Fraud Unit who investigate crimes relating to Identity Theft and Fraud. They do this by going random places, talking to suspects, banging their hands randomly on the computer, being criminally understaffed and announcing everything they find in a really loud and serious voice.

The team have recently recruited Aiden Gillen who is the requisite Cop With A Mysterious Past. Specifically the type of mysterious past that requires him to do all of the actual crime solving, ask really tough and silly questions, and to do all of the chasing. Said Mysterious Past, by the by, is completely ignored until the end of the episode. Why? Who knows? Not me.

On the basis of this first episode, I refuse to stick around any longer. The show is exceptionally poorly written, the plot is a joke, all of the characters either over-act or under-act, and Aiden Gillen’s lovely Irish accent has been replaced with a distracting accent that sounds like a cross between American and Welsh.

The editing is rather decent though. The cut-aways to events being talked about actually work in the context of the story. But the flashbacks to events that we saw about ten minutes ago don’t work. And the cut-aways shortly outstay their welcome. But at least the whole thing felt shorter than it actually did, something I can’t say about Prince of Persia or Alice In Wonderland.

But those are the bright spots in an otherwise bleak world of Identity. Which is ironic seeing as the entire thing is inadvertently hilarious. One notable scene involves us seeing a woman run over. There are about five different shots they use here as they try and flit between a real woman and a mannequin. This includes a moment where they drive over the mannequin and attempt to cut between it and the woman. And it’s so poor it caused my entire living room to laugh out loud. Even my mum, who was legitimately trying to watch it.

Oh, and there’s a random argument out of nowhere by The Black Cop and The Young Cop that also tops the hilarity-o-meter. So, yeah. Identity is absolute tripe. But it’s freakin’ hilarious at the very least.

But if you want something more hilarious, then check out the return of the power block known as Chuck and The Life And Times Of Tim (Virgin1). I don’t plan on reviewing them. I’m just begging you to watch them. Yes, I’m begging again this year. And I’ll keep begging until I get some acknowledgement that people are actually watching them. I’m warning you. I will do it!

A Short Update Notice

2010-07-04T10:29:00.002+01:00

1] That Sony E3 blog. It may not ever come up. I did watch the press conference. I did enjoy most of it. It does have me excited. But I have this little problem called exams. And, as such, I haven't had time to write the blog. Plus E3 is over and done with by nearly a month now, so it won't matter anyway.

2] TV Is A Coward. I wish I could write about something, but there is just nothing on worth talking about. Lousy World Cup & Wimbledon. But I will be keeping an eye on that Identity (ITV1) that starts tomorrow, so I may report on that. Depends if I can stomach Keeley Hawes for so long. In the mean time: Rev (BBC2) is pretty damn good, Chuck (Virgin 1) is back as is The Life And Times Of Tim (Virgin 1), Fox has finally decided to show new Lie To Me (Sky1) and for all of you pirates out there True Blood and Futurama (sorry, I must stress this. BRAND NEW FUTURAMA!!) are currently running in the states. God knows when they'll be here.

3] When I get around to it I will write a Bonus Picture column for Wild Target. A movie of which I've already forgotten. Huh.

4] And this brings me to the 24 Season 8 Blog. Because of my writer's block, I was unable to keep up with the season and fell way behind on writing. I did, however, keep watching each week and a lack-luster season completely turned around completely in those final 12-ish episodes that consistantly hit it out of the ball park. Anyways, I started re-reading those blogs the other night and I realised how good they are. And I really do not brag about my talents. So when the season comes out on DVD (Blu-Ray for me) I will buy it and then pick up my blogs from where I left off. Not just for you, but for me too. Aw.

5] This update is now over.

Screen One: Wild Target

2010-06-20T19:01:00.002+01:00

Film: Wild Target
Director: Jonathon Lynn
Written By: Lucinda Coxon
Distributor: Cinema NX
Run Time: 1 hour 38 minutes
Starring: Bill Nighy, Emily Blunt, Rupert Grint, Eileen Atkins, Rupert Everett, Martin Freeman

There are two films about assassins out in the UK this week. They are both comedies. They are both quite well promoted. One cost $75million to make. The other cost $8million to make. One stars Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigel. The other stars Bill Nighy and Emily Blunt. One is American. The other is British. One is called Killers, whilst the other is called Wild Target. One is good. The other is infinitely shite. Take a guess which is which?

Yes, it really is a good week for you if you like your comedies with assassins as the main characters with good looking love interests. If you have been waiting for a film like this, you may be wondering which you should see. If you are going to take my advice on anything at all for the rest of life, let it be this: please, please, do NOT go and see Killers! I am begging you! Wild Target is so much better than Killers.

The plot revolves around Victor Maynard (Nighy), a 54 year old assassin. He is a master at his craft, highly respected by the people who hire him and lives to please his aging mother (Atkins). He’s hired by gangster Ferguson (Everett) to track down con artist Rose (Blunt) who sold him a fake painting and swindled him out of £900,000. However; Maynard decides to spare Rose, runs into Tony (Grint) who he decides to take on as his apprentice, and the trio go on the run from Maynard’s replacement, Dixon (Freeman).

Performance wise; the leads, Nighy, Blunt and Grint, are all very good. Nighy, in particular, inhabits his initially cold, emotionless character with the element of humanity required to make him likeable to the audience. So, bravo to Nighy for that. Special attention should be centred to Eileen Atkins as Victor’s consistently unimpressed mother, who is a laugh riot, as well as Martin Freeman as Dixon, who is also very funny.

The plot is refreshingly simple. There are no massive twists or turns, no big betrayals and no needless plot devices. It’s a simple story told well. Same can be said for the film’s run time, which is only an hour and a half. There is very little flab here, which is also a nice change. It’s also funny. Not In The Loop funny or Hot Fuzz funny. It’s just a funny film. The gags are good if a little telegraphed and predictable. You won’t find anything quotable, but you will find some enjoyable sections.

But there are issues. Rupert Everett is useless. Not the person, God no. He’s quite amusing when he’s involved. But that’s the problem; his character is useless outside of the first 30 odd minutes. Eventually, he’s just written out completely which is quite tragic for somebody with his ability.

The comedy is done right, but the drama isn’t. The “serious” scenes fall flat. Plus there’s a romantic subplot between Bill Nighy and Emily Blunt which is not only creepy, but also boring too. The film also runs out of steam after about an hour, leaving the final half hour to be a bit of a drag. Oh, and the ending is sudden and laden with at least one unresolved plot thread (a.k.a. Rupert Everett).

Despite those flaws though, Wild Target is still an enjoyable time at the movies. It’s not brilliant and you won’t find anything quotable in it, but it’s a good comedy. It’s not particularly memorable but it’s a good time whilst it lasts. It is very useful to kill some time and is the best new release this week. So give it a check out. Who knows, you may have fun. Unless MacGruber is showing at a cinema within a 50 mile radius of you. In which case, go see that instead.

3 out of 5.

The E3 2010 Blog: Nintendo Press Conference

2010-06-16T19:46:00.004+01:00

Apologies for the lateness of this post. I didn't get it finished before the Sony Press Conference started and then I had school today. Nevertheless, here it is. Oh, and the Sony blog is delayed until tomorrow.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Welcome to the 2nd Bi-Annual Opinionated E3 Blog 2010! I’m your host Callum Petch and I will be covering absolutely every single press conference over this next week. Allow me to preface each post with this promise. I am not a corporate slave to the machine. I have no links to any companies or websites or corporations. As such, I promise that what you read within these blogs will tell you exactly what you want to know. I’ll inform you what I personally think is hot and what is not, rather than say that absolutely everything is complete brilliance. Got it? Good. Onwards! Oh, and this post is very long. You have been warned.

Be honest here folks, you have all but lost faith in Nintendo, haven’t you? After these last few disastrous years of hardcore gamers being continually slapped in the face with a wet, soggy flannel made of disappointment as Nintendo continued to suck on the money dicks of casual gaming hookers, were you really expecting anything good out of them besides my incredibly tortured metaphors?

Well get ready for a massive shock folks, this E3 Nintendo FINALLY delivered.

We start off the press conference with the first footage of the new Legend Of Zelda game; The Legend Of Zelda: Skyward Sword. Control wise, it’s a bit of a gamble. You control the sword with the Wiimote and WiiMotion Plus as expected. But then you also control the shield by holding the Nunchuck just like a shield. It’s a huge risk, especially since there were some tech gaffes during the demo, but it could pay off if you really do get full 1:1 motion control.

Elsewhere, the graphics are looking nice we seem to be getting some moderately smart AI to battle against too. The game got a nice long demo and was also presented in a fairly entertaining way too, so props to Shigeru Miyamoto for that. The game’s out in 2011.

Onto much smaller announcements, and one that’ll have slipped by many people viewing the conference. They are bringing out a brand new NBA Jam! Yay! It’s exclusive to the Wii! Not so yay! It’s also playable on the show floor. Lucky buggers.

Now it’s the come down from the previous high we had. There’s the requisite breaking records statistical trumpet blowing bullshit. The announcement of a new Mario based mini game package called Mario Sports Mix (looks alright), a new Wii minigame abortion entitled Wii Party (does not look alright), and a sequel to Just Dance named, surprisingly, Just Dance 2 (*commits suicide*).

But snap out of that despair, soldier! Fancy a new Golden Sun game? Of course you do! Golden Sun: Dark Dawn is the name, it’s out Christmas and it’s exclusively for DS. The trailer has definitely piqued my interest, so I’ll be following it closely.

Oh, and soldier. Here’s that Goldeneye 007 remake you’ve always wanted. No, really. They have remade Goldeneye! Let me repeat that: THEY HAVE REMADE GOLDENEYE!! Fuck yes!!!! It’s exclusive to the Wii, has split screen and online multiplayer, has Daniel Craig replacing Pierce Brosnan as Bond, and is out this November. THIS NOVEMBER! I think I just gave a little squirt.

We finally got a proper look at Warren Spector’s Epic Mickey for the Wii and on first impressions it’s… looking rather good. There’s the moderately innovative mechanic of using paint to move through the environment and for combat, which wasn’t demoed particularly well. There’s branching paths, which wasn’t really demoed either. And there’s loads of different ways to go about the different objectives, which wasn’t demoed very well either. But I blame the guy who was demoing it for not being very good at his job. I’m excited and it’s out in November, again.

Up next is the new Kirby game, Kirby’s Epic Yarn. Much was rumoured about the new direction Kirby would take, and what it would be like. It turns out that it’s still a side scroller and it’s still cute and adorable. The big gameplay mechanics are the knitting aesthetic, which also stems into how the game is played, and 2 player co-op. Could be a contender. Nice to see they haven’t messed around with the formula too much. It’s out Fall. That’s Autumn to us Brits.

The announcement that Dragon Quest IX is coming to America should please all of you Dragon Quest fans no end. Especially since it’s out on July 11th. That’s less than a month! You know what is also out very very shortly? Metroid: Other M, that’s what! It’s out on the 31st August and was trailered. My worry is that it didn’t really get much screen time or show off the combat much. For what is quite possibly the biggest 3rd party game coming to the Wii (except for Goldeneye, obviously), I was expecting much more. Let’s hope that this isn’t an indication that the big N doesn’t have much faith in the game.

And the big announcements just keep on coming. As Donkey Kong Country Returns was debuted. Allow me to sum up my feelings with one simple phrase. Ahem… FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSS!!! That should cover it. Fortunately, gameplay seems relatively unchanged with no useless motion sensor crap advertised. Thank God! It gets its release this Christmas.

The rest of the presentation is focused on the Nintendo 3DS. Now, followers of my blog should know that I really don’t like 3D at all. But I have hope for the 3DS. Why? Two words: No glasses. I really don’t need to say much more. The system itself has a 3.5 inch widescreen display, a 3D slider so that you can adjust the level of 3D-ness, improved graphics capabilities, 2 camera lenses so that you can take 3D photos, a new analogue style stick, a motion sensor and a gyrosensor and is completely compatable with the Nintendo DSi.

Skipping forward past all of the possible movie capabilities (no, really) and the focus on online (no, really), we get to the massive announcement. Last year, Nintendo announced Project Sora. Nothing was revealed of the game and it quickly disappeared. Now it has resurfaced… as none other than Kid Icarus Uprising! See folks, if you wish hard enough, dreams really can come true! The game looks great and really shows off those improved graphical capabilities. The trailer was great and it completely makes me wish I hadn’t sold me DS ages ago now.

There were also the announcements of loads more games. Listing the few I managed to get in the quick rapid fire set of announcements, we have: Nintendogs & Cats, DJ Hero 3DS, new Resident Evil, new Assassin’s Creed, new Kingdom Hearts, FIFA & Madden, new Ridge Racer, new Professor Layton and a new Saints Row. All of those are coming to the 3DS, apparently, in the next year. Nice to see a big and strong line up of third party games launching with a new Nintendo console for a change. The lucky so-and-sos got to have a go at the 3DS’ after the press conference was over (with Deal Or No Deal type models... modelling... them?) as well as play the new Zelda.

And with that, the best Nintendo E3 press conference in years comes to a close. With a refreshing focus on the hardcore market instead of the casual, and the announcement of games that people have been clamouring for, Nintendo demonstrated from almost start to almost finish why you shouldn’t trade in your Wii and DS just yet. It’s like you’re trying to cater to my every whim, Nintendo.

Welcome back! We’ve missed you.

The E3 Blog 2010: Microsoft Press Conference Blog

2010-06-14T21:19:00.003+01:00

Ladies and Gentlemen: Welcome to the 2nd Bi-Annual Opinionated E3 Blog 2010! I’m your host Callum Petch and I will be covering absolutely every single press conference over this next week. Allow me to preface each post with this promise. I am not a corporate slave to the machine. I have no links to any companies or websites or corporations. As such, I promise that what you read within these blogs will tell you exactly what you want to know. I’ll inform you what I personally think is hot and what is not, rather than say that absolutely everything is complete brilliance. Got it? Good. Onwards! Oh, and this post is very long. You have been warned.

I do not own an XBOX 360. I know, I know. I don’t deserve life. Yadda yadda. But I’ve always been on the verge of getting one. Now more so than ever. So I was hoping whether E3 would be able to convince me to shell out for one at Christmas. The answer to this conundrum… is yes. But not for the reasons you all may think.

Let’s start at the beginning then. The show opened with a new trailer and demo for Call Of Duty: Black Ops. Now, I happened to really like Modern Warfare 2, especially the single player. I still happen to like Modern Warfare 2. So have a guess what Black Ops looks like to me? Modern Warfare 2, but in Vietnam. And that really is not a bad thing in the slightest.

The trailer looks ace and is shows that this is much more in the vein of a Hollywood blockbuster than a gritty interpretation of the Vietnam War. The demo looks even better. A couple of things I’d like to note: I like how death in the game is not overly dramatic. There’s one bit, right, where you’re shining a light to guide the way for somebody as they crawl through some holes. When without warning, he is stabbed in the neck by a Viet Cong. He doesn’t hang around to give you any advice or anything. He’s just dead. Nice.

The vehicles appear to control better than in Treyarch’s previous effort, World At War. This was demonstrated in a scene where they controlled a helicopter as it had to fly to an LZ. It appeared to control much smoother and simpler than in World At War, so I can’t wait to get my hands on it. And finally, I believe that your player controlled character speaks whilst in gameplay for the first time ever in a Call Of Duty game. You see, it’s the little things that could elevate this to being better than Modern Warfare 2. Only time will tell if it is. The game ships in November.

Don Mattrick is up next, and he announces that all Call Of Duty map packs and add-ons will be timed exclusives on the XBOX 360 for the next three years. This announcement really doesn’t bother me at all. How about you guys?

Next up is Metal Gear Rising, the latest in the undead franchise that seems to be trying to cater to my every whim. Seriously, Metal Gear Solid 4 was the first MGS I actually enjoyed (and bought, natch) because it made the game much easier to play and made shooting an actual viable option if all things go tits up. Rising seems to continue this trend.

The trailer demonstrates Raiden and his new sword fighting style which looks, quite frankly, ace. It kind of looks like Eli Roth directing a sword based Metal Gear game. Oh well. The trailer itself is much shorter than Kojima’s epic feature length stuff. Though this may have something to do with the fact that he’s only Executive Producer. And at least we got some traditional MGS silliness in the form of melon cutting at the end of the trailer. Now that I know it’s coming to PS3, this is definitely on my pre order list.

And now, announcement time. The following is all exclusive. Good decision.

We get some footage of Gears Of War 3. The footage that the whole world has been waiting for. The footage that the whole world has been waiting for besides me. There’s a reason for that though. And it’s this: something between “bugger” and “all” has changed. Aside from 4-player co-op and mutating Locust, there doesn’t seem to be any noticeable differences between this and Gears 2. Besides colour, obviously. I expected more personally. But, hey, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it, right?

Fable III now. Peter Molyneux seems to have reined back his gob this time around. Whoever was responsible for that should get a medal. Anyways, trailer wise there really was nothing special. The only thing I really noticed was John Cleese on the voice work! Yay! (Girly squeal!) John Cleese aside, I hope the actual finished product is better than the trailer indicates. My big worry is that it could be rushed. It’s out on October 26th.

Time for another big announcement. Microsoft have a new partner. And you might never guess who it is. Crytek! Crytek are now working exclusively with Microsoft on a new gladiator themed game! Could definitely be a system seller to me, if Crysis 2 is any cop.

We’re onto Halo: Reach. And for 10/11 of this trailer I was bored. It looked just like Halo. Again. Save for an updated hud, better graphics and stealth kills. But then I saw a glimpse of the space dogfights and the trailer was saved. Those could be the deal breaker, in a good way. But I’m very disappointed with the trailer. I expected so much more from the game. Set when the war between the Covenant and the good guys is starting, I was expecting a big step up. Some changes. Bigger scale. Something. Instead, I just got Halo: Combat Evolved once again. I’m all for “If it ain’t broke…” but surely a little innovation couldn’t hurt?

If we ended here, I would’ve been slightly satisfied. But now we get to the worst parts of the conference, as we focus on Kinect, the new name for Project Natal. The voice and hand control is demoed to us via Zune, first of all. Flicking through menus and getting the console to respond to your voice really didn’t impress me as much as it should’ve. Whilst VideoKinect didn’t “Wow!” me either. The only “Wow!” came from the god-awful scripted conversation that the demo featured. Oh, and the fact that the camera follows you. Nice touch. Could be very bad in some, erm, personal situations.

Hey folks! Have you been clamouring for ESPN to be available on your 360 whenever you want? No? Well here it is anyway. To be fair, the features that you can use are very nice. Trivia, team rooting, ESPN.com integration are all well and good. Plus it’s free for Gold Live subscribers (and, let’s be honest, if you aren’t Gold you don’t actually have XBOX Live). But I don’t really see the point of it as someone who really doesn’t care about sports in the slightest. Wait, though! Those guys from SportsCenter? They’re involved? That means it must be awesome(!)

But of course, if Kinect doesn’t have games, it really shouldn’t exist at all. But the list of games breaks my heart each time I go over my notes.

Let’s start with Kinectimals (stupid, stupid name). Do you remember EyePet? Yeah, EyePet? Do you remember how shit it was? I know. I had it. It came in a bundle. I got rid of it after six days. This looks like that but with Kinect. It’s not a very good example, in my mind, of showing off the technology. The graphics look bleurgh. And those supposed interaction reactions, come across as a series of responses triggered by commands. Quite robotic. Not cool. And that girl is a terrible actress.

Kinect Sports by Rare is up next. Oh, Rare! What have you become? What have you done to yourself? The game looks awful. There are six different disciplines to choose from and all of them look dreadful. Football, Bowling, Athletics, Ping Pong, Boxing and Volleyball. Woo(!) But that tech gaffe midway through was hilarious.

Next to be demoed is Kinect Joy Ride. A kart racing game that apparently aims to revolutionise the kart racing genre. By making it slower than a snail and boring, allegedly. Seriously, I thought kart racers were supposed to have a massive sense of speed? Where is it? There will be five modes and I can confirm that there is sadly not one called Joy Ride. Shame.

Now we have Kinect Adventures! That exclamation mark is not my choice. That’s what the game is actually called. Oh joy. At least we finally happen to have a game that demonstrates the technology properly. There’s also drop in/drop out co-op and the game posts pictures of you playing up to your Facebook as well. Just in case you don’t look stupid enough already.

Is it really surprising that Your Shape: Fitness Evolved is the game that looks like it uses Kinect technology the best? Look, it’s a fitness game. What the hell am I supposed to say? Well… the calibration setting is nice and advanced. Erm… it puts YOU in the game! If that means anything at all. Yeah.

Finally we have a demo for Dance Central, the new game from Harmonix. It actually looks quite good. But I’m going to stop there, as I’m a Harmonix fanboy. So anything I say will need to go through a bullshit-ometer first and I really can’t be arsed to do that right now. However, there was lots of silly dancing.

Oh, and there was a trailer for a Kinect based Star Wars lightsaber game. That trailer looks so fake, you wouldn’t believe. Plus Forza Motorsport with Kinect. With no real explanation as to how it’ll work, I really don’t care. You see, my problem with Kinect is that it’s not a system seller for me. I really don’t want the damn thing and I don’t care. But Microsoft are still pushing it as their massive new thing that will change the Earth forever! I don’t care! Just leave me alone! Stop trying to be Nintendo!

Urgh. Kinect ships in North America on November 4th with 15 launch titles. Tell me what you think about it underneath.

But here’s why I’m going to be getting a 360, folks. The re-designed XBOX 360. And it looks gorgeous! Plus there’s a 250GB hard drive, it’s much quieter and it has built in Wi-Fi! All for the exact same price tag! And it ships today (in North America at least. I don’t know about UK and that. Someone help me out here!) Yes!! Unfortunately for us peasants, those lucky basterds that were in the audience get one for free, right now. Lucky basterds!!

So that was Microsoft’s E3. One filled with as much disappointment as there was optimism. Disappointment as Kinect didn’t turn into the big surprise I’d hoped it to be. Disappointment in the lack of big shocks or surprises. And disappointment in the greater focus on Kinect instead of hardcore titles. But optimism in the form of Crytek working with MS. Optimism in the form if Call Of Duty: Black Ops not looking like shit. Optimism in the form of Metal Gear Rising looking ace. And optimism in the form of the redesigned 360.

So I’m getting a 360. But not for the reasons you may think.

E3 Blog Announcement

2010-06-14T16:38:00.002+01:00

Hello my little chicks and cocks!

It's E3 time. And that means that it's time for the 2nd Bi-Annual Opinionated E3 Blog! I will be covering E3 in a total of five blogs. The first on the Microsoft Press Conference, which is today in about an hour. The second on the Nintendo Press Conference, which is tomorrow. The third on the Sony Press Conference, which is also tomorrow. The fourth will be on EA and Ubisoft press conferences which I will watch on Wednesday and blog about shortly after. And the fifth is the whole round up about the event's press conferences.

So join me back here in about four hours time for the Microsoft Press Conference blog!

CP out.