Extreme Male Beauty (Channel 4). That´s the title of the show. And it should apply to me. Hell, this show should BE about me. I am extremely beautiful. Whenever people see the little speck of my body coming on from the horizon, they scream and throw themselves under passing trucks just to avoid being hypnotized and blinded by my extreme style of beauty. And I´m OK with it. I understand. It´s hard to contend with. But apparently, radio personality Tim Shaw (you may know him as Mr. Inappropriate from Balls Of Steel) isn´t happy with his body, and as such spends 8 weeks trying to "fix" it whilst a nation looks on in disgust.
He works on his abs, his six pack, his face and, most terrifyingly of all, his penis. And boy, does Extreme Male Beauty love penises! The show fucking adores them. In every episode there must be at least 20 different shots of penises, and at least 1 minute of air time devoted to talking about penises. The production team must have it´s sights set on making every man who watches this show gay and every woman watching be put off men for life and become a lesbian. As for me, they´ve failed on both fronts.
He also tests out a variety of gadgets that are allegedly designed to make us look good quick. They all suck and are basically just a way of making Tim Shaw suffer through horrible agony and pain. He drinks his own piss. He attaches a metal contraption to his dick and it rips into it. He has electric shocks repeteadly sent to his stomach, he goes to a gym, tries raw egg, contemplates hanging himself. Anything that´ll make him prettier, he´ll try it and immediately regreat it afterwards.
But there´s a twist running through the whole sordid affair. He´s mainly doing it for his wife who he thinks doesn´t fancy him for his looks anymore. Turns out that Lady Friend (I don´t quite remember her name) isn´t happy with his makeover and the more he changes, the more disgusted she grows. It´s also the more of a dickhead he grows. And, as such, after his 8 week transformation is complete he looks like shit. A real, stinky shit. His wife and friends seem to agree about that too and implore him to go back to his old self which he does so with the speed of a Cheetah. Morale of the story: you are beautiful the way you are.
What a waste of 8 weeks of his now pathetic meaningless life.
The show also seems to have multiple personality disorder and flips between a makeover show, a sob story "look isn´t everything ok after we pampered him to look like a 1st prize winner in the world tosser contest", a judging audition show, an analytical look at men BY women, locker room chats with a bunch of rejected Hollyoakes characters and a stat parade!
The second one is the most annoying. It contains a man of extreme UNbeauty being saved from unpopularity by 3 dickless tossers. A plastic surgion who resembles George Clooney in ER but with a weird Elvis haircut and drives an Aston Martin. A dentist who you see fuck all of and drives a Lamborghini. And a dick fashion designer who has the personality of a newt, removes all freedom of choice from his victims (Victim: "It´s not my sort of style."
Fashion Tosser: "But it fits the new you so well! And I love it so you´re getting it!) and is overall a bit of a dickhead. Plus he drives a Ferrari. A Ferrari that looks like an Enzo none less. They only made 12 of those. One went to someone from Pink Floyd. Apparently one went to this lad. And then they shot the guy who designed it. Apparently. These sequences are awful. AWFUL! Oh, and Tim Shaw says he meets this lot without actually seeing them in the flesh at all so he may as well just shut his asshole for a bit.
Then again, a show needs padding. I´m writing a story (no, you aren´t allowed to see it) that is structured like a TV Show and many TV Shows require padding to fill up the run time. Neccessary padding is required padding that added to the show and you don´t notice is filler. Then there´s Filler Padding and this is the lazy padding where the run time is needlessly filled up with shitty scenes that improve on the show in no way shape or form. Extreme Male Beauty seems to mix between the two. The Extreme Makeover sequences are nice contrasts, if a little pointless and obvious. The judging sections shouldn´t exist at all. Get rid of them. Analytical stat show? Going to have to get back to you on that. Locker Room Chat? Well it´s better than Loose Women.
Overall, the show was entertaining but flawed. Pointless in it´s existance hammered home by the end of it all. DON´T bring it back. You´d only be re-establishing the point.
Finally a quick note about Virgin 1. Suddenly it´s gotten good. Really good. This may be down to the fact that they´ve got two fine looking new US imports in their hands but still. The Life And Times Of Tim is a crudely animated Adult comedy series that looks really, really funny. It´s on Fridays at 11pm. My advice: record it. And then there´s Chuck. Series 1 was a really funny exciting thrillride and one of the better shows to emerge out of 2007. Series 2 has finally hit our shores and the previews make it seem to look better than ever. Hopefully a full run will make the show just as incredible as it´s cruelly cut short 1st one.
Gotta go now. I´m on holiday and now that my creative thirst has been quenced I can relax for a change.
¡Viva La Chuck!
Monday, 8 June 2009
Friday, 29 May 2009
My E3 2009 Predictions
E3 2009 is next week. Yay! Anyways, here are my predictions as to what may happen at the event. Real and Goofy.
Let's see: Splinter Cell Conviction should finally appear and then piss in my face as it will remain a XBOX 360 and PC exclusive which means I will never be able to finish off Sam Fisher's story,
Microsoft will continue down the shitty and pathetic family games market on the cold and sterile XBOX 360 before announcing that another PS3 exclusive has jumped ship,
Nintendo will brag about how awesome they all aren't, how much money they hopefully haven't got and continue to release shitty games like Poney PETZ Active Sports MIDI Synthesizer Ringtone Minigame Collection No. 8,945,216,327 whilst continually shitting in the faces of hardcore gamers with fake "you held out long enough so here's another fucking Animal Crossing game, hardcore gamers!" announcement,
Sony, meanwhile, will kick ass! Had you fooled there, right? No. Sony will actually announce some "meh" looking titles and brag about how successful it's selling figures aren't,
There'll be bugger all important game announcements made inside the ACTUAL E3,
And the show will remain boring and business like for shitty boring business men no matter how much they said they'd amp it up (they said that it would be fun last year. But it wasn't).
And on the crazy side of things: Duke Nukem will appear!
As Yahtzee would say: "All ye abandon hope for the shiny things being presented towards you."
There'll be blog posts on each of the press conferences just about as soon as they're done. And Eminem's new album is shit.
Let's see: Splinter Cell Conviction should finally appear and then piss in my face as it will remain a XBOX 360 and PC exclusive which means I will never be able to finish off Sam Fisher's story,
Microsoft will continue down the shitty and pathetic family games market on the cold and sterile XBOX 360 before announcing that another PS3 exclusive has jumped ship,
Nintendo will brag about how awesome they all aren't, how much money they hopefully haven't got and continue to release shitty games like Poney PETZ Active Sports MIDI Synthesizer Ringtone Minigame Collection No. 8,945,216,327 whilst continually shitting in the faces of hardcore gamers with fake "you held out long enough so here's another fucking Animal Crossing game, hardcore gamers!" announcement,
Sony, meanwhile, will kick ass! Had you fooled there, right? No. Sony will actually announce some "meh" looking titles and brag about how successful it's selling figures aren't,
There'll be bugger all important game announcements made inside the ACTUAL E3,
And the show will remain boring and business like for shitty boring business men no matter how much they said they'd amp it up (they said that it would be fun last year. But it wasn't).
And on the crazy side of things: Duke Nukem will appear!
As Yahtzee would say: "All ye abandon hope for the shiny things being presented towards you."
There'll be blog posts on each of the press conferences just about as soon as they're done. And Eminem's new album is shit.
Tuesday, 5 May 2009
TV Is A Coward: Technical Difficulties. Please Stand By
I am going to write an apology now to my (invisible) adoring fan base who have stuck by me through Green Grass & High Tides. I’m sorry that I haven’t written anything recently, but the truth is that nothing’s really got me riled up enough to start spreading bile all over the keyboard. So thank you Celebrity Are You Smarter Than A 10 Year Old? (Sky1). Thank you for being just what I need to lower my spirits and start my bile sewage plant being spread all over the internet again! I would also like to thank Britain’s Got Talent (ITV1) for invading my life and being completely boring and I would write about it but I took a sacred oath to myself that I would only write one sentence about the whole thing every column and oh what do you know that sentence ends about now. And I would also like to thank my PS3 for bricking itself and having to be sent off meaning that every single day at my dad’s is now a fight for control of the laptop. Honourable mention goes to school and you know why, you horrible evil bastards. So, yeah. Thanks guys! You’re the best! But back on topic.
Celebrity Are You Smarter Than A 10 Year Old? (Working titles: Celebrity Can You Pummel 5 10 Year Old Kids Into Submission With Your Knowledge For Cash You Soulless Dirt Bag? and Celebrity Who Wants To Be A Quarter of a Millionaire?) is exactly the same as regular Are You Smarter Than A 10 Year Old? only that it features Celebrities (read the title dumbo) who are (surprise, surprise) playing for charity. But I’m not going to rag about celebrity versions of shows, oh no. I’m going to do that at a later date. Hell, I was only watching this because the celebrities in question were above the usual Z-list fodder that are attracted to these shows. Yes, we are up to G-list. Specifically Sky1’s Gladiators (you may punch me in the mouth for that pun. I deserve it). And with me wanting to combine my 2 biggest annoyances on Sky1 (you thought I was going to say all of TV didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?) into one big ball of hate I tuned in to start laughing at their ineptitude.
Turns out my beefs aren’t with the Gladiators. More with the show itself. Are You Smarter…?’s main problem is in its simple idea. It seems innocent enough in concept. Answer 10 questions on subjects for 6-10 year olds. If you do those you get the chance to try the £250,000 question and be inducted into the TV Hall Of Fame. To help you out, you get 3 lifelines sorry… cheats that happen to have two almost exactly the same, and one where if you are wrong you still have a chance of staying in. You also have at your disposal 5 whiney cunts who are meant to make you look and feel dumb when you have to ask a 10 year old on what’s French for “Would you like to dance?” But their main weapon of annoyance is that when you have to pick one of the little shits to join you they all do a collective “memememememememememememe!!!!!!!!” like those seagulls from Finding Nemo that go “mineminemine” only a lot less funny and more noose tightening. Then you have to stand by and listen to the little fucker’s life story that is usually about something inane like a tortoise or something. Remember those Totally Kyle sketches in The Amanda Show? It’s that only remove the hilarity, make them drag on longer, have the kids say them with a Welsh and/or Geordie accent (alternate between the two) and throw in an apparently interested Noel Edmonds who sounds even creepier than usual when he makes comments as he presses them for more detail whilst he masturbates himself raw in his own trousers in front of a live studio audience that is being beamed into the homes so that the following day the papers can claim for him to be a steaming paedophile ass wipe whilst praising the kids and holding them up as angels of the highest order when their not! They’re cunts! Cunts of the highest fucking order who’s only good quality is how fucking punchable their faces look! I’ll kill them! Keep me away! I’VE GOT A FUCKING CROWBAR!! I’M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT!!!!!!
(Technical Difficulties. Please Stand By)
Sorry about that. But in truth, now that I’ve calmed down and my gripes with the kids has been vented, this show’s second biggest problem is that it’s a rip-off of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Only the lifelines have been altered, there’s almost no multiple choice questions, you can choose what order the questions are done in and that there are some annoying 10 year olds to remind you how thick you are. And I for one wouldn’t want to go on there. Not just because of the things I would do to the kids, but because no matter how you look at it, being a contestant is a lose-lose situation. If you lose, you’re dumber than a 10 year old and that’s just embarrassing. But if you win... you viciously pummelled 5 ten-year-old kids into submission with knowledge. You probably gave them nightmares. You’re worse than Hitler! You being smarter than a 10 year old is up there with beating them at a boxing match with the kids blindfolded and having their hands cut off. It’s just wrong! That £250,000 isn’t going to soften the guilt either you cold merciless bastard!
Saying this, the show’s been running for two series now and has a daytime spin-off hosted by the legendary Dick & Dom which is even worse than the normal one because you can only win £50,000 leading to a load of pissed off contestants as the game’s just as flipping hard! I won’t watch tomorrow night’s show. Not even to laugh at Oblivion’s nipple tape costume. My sanity couldn’t take it. That’s an hour of my life I’m not getting back.
Speaking of time I’m not getting back, the other week I finally got round to sitting down and watching the first part of Red Riding (Channel 4). And watched the total demise of a half decent premise with an all-star (snigger) cast. I think the main problem was that it was just too bloody confusing. The premise is of police corruption during the Yorkshire Ripper crime spree but all that is chucked out of the window about, ooh, 20 seconds after the opening credits have finished rolling and barely returned to or acknowledged during the story. I even tried Wikipedia to get any sense out of it but then I still didn’t fully understand. I think this is what the 2-hour part’s full storyline is. Investigative Reporter (read: wannabe cop) Andrew Garfield bangs the same woman every 10 minutes until she’s found dead. He’s abandoned in the middle of nowhere but heads back to town to murder a shady businessman who was also banging Garfield’s pussy and killed her for some unknown reason. Andrew Garfield then accidentally forgets how to play Chicken with some cop cars and is shown at the end presumably dead though a deleted scene was later used for a Think ad. Just about all of that happens in the last 10 minutes and the rest is a barrage of sex scenes where you don’t get to see a hint of nipple, Andrew Garfield being tortured because he has the nerve to be a wannabe cop and “arty” repeated shots that have NO PARTICULAR MEANING WHATSOEVER!! And the worst part, besides the shoddy acting, is that Wikipedia doesn’t tell you how it ends! I’ll have to watch the whole sorry mess if I want to know what happens! I won’t do that to myself. But then again, it took two months for me summon up the courage to watch it in the first place. So give me another month and maybe I’ll give it a go.
Or maybe I’ll delete it and save myself the bother.
Celebrity Are You Smarter Than A 10 Year Old? (Working titles: Celebrity Can You Pummel 5 10 Year Old Kids Into Submission With Your Knowledge For Cash You Soulless Dirt Bag? and Celebrity Who Wants To Be A Quarter of a Millionaire?) is exactly the same as regular Are You Smarter Than A 10 Year Old? only that it features Celebrities (read the title dumbo) who are (surprise, surprise) playing for charity. But I’m not going to rag about celebrity versions of shows, oh no. I’m going to do that at a later date. Hell, I was only watching this because the celebrities in question were above the usual Z-list fodder that are attracted to these shows. Yes, we are up to G-list. Specifically Sky1’s Gladiators (you may punch me in the mouth for that pun. I deserve it). And with me wanting to combine my 2 biggest annoyances on Sky1 (you thought I was going to say all of TV didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?) into one big ball of hate I tuned in to start laughing at their ineptitude.
Turns out my beefs aren’t with the Gladiators. More with the show itself. Are You Smarter…?’s main problem is in its simple idea. It seems innocent enough in concept. Answer 10 questions on subjects for 6-10 year olds. If you do those you get the chance to try the £250,000 question and be inducted into the TV Hall Of Fame. To help you out, you get 3 lifelines sorry… cheats that happen to have two almost exactly the same, and one where if you are wrong you still have a chance of staying in. You also have at your disposal 5 whiney cunts who are meant to make you look and feel dumb when you have to ask a 10 year old on what’s French for “Would you like to dance?” But their main weapon of annoyance is that when you have to pick one of the little shits to join you they all do a collective “memememememememememememe!!!!!!!!” like those seagulls from Finding Nemo that go “mineminemine” only a lot less funny and more noose tightening. Then you have to stand by and listen to the little fucker’s life story that is usually about something inane like a tortoise or something. Remember those Totally Kyle sketches in The Amanda Show? It’s that only remove the hilarity, make them drag on longer, have the kids say them with a Welsh and/or Geordie accent (alternate between the two) and throw in an apparently interested Noel Edmonds who sounds even creepier than usual when he makes comments as he presses them for more detail whilst he masturbates himself raw in his own trousers in front of a live studio audience that is being beamed into the homes so that the following day the papers can claim for him to be a steaming paedophile ass wipe whilst praising the kids and holding them up as angels of the highest order when their not! They’re cunts! Cunts of the highest fucking order who’s only good quality is how fucking punchable their faces look! I’ll kill them! Keep me away! I’VE GOT A FUCKING CROWBAR!! I’M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT!!!!!!
(Technical Difficulties. Please Stand By)
Sorry about that. But in truth, now that I’ve calmed down and my gripes with the kids has been vented, this show’s second biggest problem is that it’s a rip-off of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Only the lifelines have been altered, there’s almost no multiple choice questions, you can choose what order the questions are done in and that there are some annoying 10 year olds to remind you how thick you are. And I for one wouldn’t want to go on there. Not just because of the things I would do to the kids, but because no matter how you look at it, being a contestant is a lose-lose situation. If you lose, you’re dumber than a 10 year old and that’s just embarrassing. But if you win... you viciously pummelled 5 ten-year-old kids into submission with knowledge. You probably gave them nightmares. You’re worse than Hitler! You being smarter than a 10 year old is up there with beating them at a boxing match with the kids blindfolded and having their hands cut off. It’s just wrong! That £250,000 isn’t going to soften the guilt either you cold merciless bastard!
Saying this, the show’s been running for two series now and has a daytime spin-off hosted by the legendary Dick & Dom which is even worse than the normal one because you can only win £50,000 leading to a load of pissed off contestants as the game’s just as flipping hard! I won’t watch tomorrow night’s show. Not even to laugh at Oblivion’s nipple tape costume. My sanity couldn’t take it. That’s an hour of my life I’m not getting back.
Speaking of time I’m not getting back, the other week I finally got round to sitting down and watching the first part of Red Riding (Channel 4). And watched the total demise of a half decent premise with an all-star (snigger) cast. I think the main problem was that it was just too bloody confusing. The premise is of police corruption during the Yorkshire Ripper crime spree but all that is chucked out of the window about, ooh, 20 seconds after the opening credits have finished rolling and barely returned to or acknowledged during the story. I even tried Wikipedia to get any sense out of it but then I still didn’t fully understand. I think this is what the 2-hour part’s full storyline is. Investigative Reporter (read: wannabe cop) Andrew Garfield bangs the same woman every 10 minutes until she’s found dead. He’s abandoned in the middle of nowhere but heads back to town to murder a shady businessman who was also banging Garfield’s pussy and killed her for some unknown reason. Andrew Garfield then accidentally forgets how to play Chicken with some cop cars and is shown at the end presumably dead though a deleted scene was later used for a Think ad. Just about all of that happens in the last 10 minutes and the rest is a barrage of sex scenes where you don’t get to see a hint of nipple, Andrew Garfield being tortured because he has the nerve to be a wannabe cop and “arty” repeated shots that have NO PARTICULAR MEANING WHATSOEVER!! And the worst part, besides the shoddy acting, is that Wikipedia doesn’t tell you how it ends! I’ll have to watch the whole sorry mess if I want to know what happens! I won’t do that to myself. But then again, it took two months for me summon up the courage to watch it in the first place. So give me another month and maybe I’ll give it a go.
Or maybe I’ll delete it and save myself the bother.
Friday, 10 April 2009
TV Is A Coward: Callum Petch's Friendly Easter 2009 TV Guide
As you read this I’m typing at 100mph for two reasons. 1) I’m trying to compensate for not doing a column last week. And 2) In approximately, at time of writing, 1 hour and 30 mins all of this will be completely worthless. Mostly 2. Now, it’s Easter. That should mean some great TV to help you through the soul-sapping, rage-building holiday that can only be rivalled by Christmas and the funeral of that Auntie you’ve always hated due to the forced mingling with other members of your family, right? Wrong. Easter TV is uncharacteristically shit this year, and looking through the very bowels of the TV schedule only seems to encourage this. So, to help you through this (edited for fear of repeating self) I have devised a short summary of programs that are at least going to be worth 10 minuets of your time. They may be shit, but I haven’t watched them yet so how would I know?
Good Friday and there’s bugger all on. The television event of last year is the most obviously watchable thing on tonight. Wallace & Gromit: A Matter Of Loaf And Death (BBC1) is repeated tonight at 8:30pm and will no doubt bring in at least ½ of that 10 million audience that tuned in the first time. It’s immensely viewable and you have to see it at least once so if you missed it first time around (you bastards) then you can catch it again tonight. And if you watched it at Christmas (you mindless slaves) then watch it again tonight for funsies.
If you want to take a risk on a classic program being finally given some closure; then, for the love of the Virgin Mary, tune into the 1st of a 3 parter Red Dwarf: Back To Earth (Dave). The classic sci-fi comedy finally gets a bit of a closure starting tonight as Dave Lister (played by Craig Charles) finally gets to go home to Earth in what promises to be a stonker. Hell, even if it isn’t all that funny you still need to watch it. Mainly to encourage Dave to keep investing in original comedy and not just endless, mindless Top Gear repeats. The next two parts are on Saturday and Sunday. There’s also the Friday night ritual of a new South Park (Comedy Central) double bill. And that’s all really. Good Friday only (dreadful pun removed as to avoid brother punching me in the mouth).
Skipping Saturday (because it’s not really part of the holiday and the only good thing on is Red Dwarf); Easter Sunday just seems to regurgitate the same old vomit that is normally splashed out on Sundays. The main TV channels feature bugger all. That is, unless an Easter special of ITV1’s “drama” Lewis floats your boat. But on the bright side, you can park Grandma’s butt in the sofa and she may shut up for 2 hours. Red Dwarf reaches it’s conclusion but I’ve already preached about that. Even Sky1’s ritualistic Easter adaptation looks to be a bit rubbish. It’s Skellig, which is based on the book of the same name. And it’s not exactly the prime candidate for a TV film adaptation is it? The book is basically 92% doom and gloom and depression in which barely anything happens. This is not something that translates well to film on TV where we are expected action and fun times at every turn. That; and we don’t want to think about how much life sucks. Not even a big name cast featuring OSCAR NOMINATED TIM ROTH and LIFE ON MARS STAR JOHN SIMM could make this seem exciting. Still, watch it and use it as a lullaby of sorts. Or do what I’ll do, and moan about how different it is to that masterpiece of a book. This may be due to a fatal flaw in their marketing campaign. In the book, we never truly find out what Skellig really is. We’re given hints to the fact that he’s an angel throughout the book and find out that he’s a (SPOILER) towards the end. In the special, it’s revealed during the fucking ad campaign! It shows that scene where we find out about Skellig’s abilities extensively during THE FUCKING ADVERT removing any remote curiosity that any viewers who haven’t read the book may have had. This means its viewers will be limited to mardy gits like me. Now watch as 10 million people clock up to become slaves to the machine.
If you are after some Sunday night TV that’s both questionable and on every Sunday, let me direct you to Nitro Circus (MTV ONE). The long long long long long lost bastard love child of Jackass and the X-Games it basically is Jackass but just makes many of the stunts on bikes and more EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMEr!!!!!!!!! And swaps the lovable cast of Jackass with some random dudes a chick and World Renowned Dirt Bike Rider Travis Pastrana. Even Johnny Knoxville produces it. There’s not much to say other than that this is Jackass. Just with less likeable fuckwits. If you like Jackass or like watching people hurt themselves whilst performing stupid stunts then this is your natural home.
What else is there, I hear you cry? Well I’ve scoured the very bowels of the TV schedule and determined the answer to be… (drum roll)… absolutely fucking nothing! OK, there’s the premiere of Borat (Film4) at 9pm but with me being the only person who hasn’t watched it that fills my void and nobody else’s. The problem is that all of the films available for viewing that are the ones that you’ve seen countless times before or nothing. There’s the Beeb’s tradition for showing Finding Nemo like some satanic ritual and strangely just about nothing else. Films this Easter are a definite miss zone. Unless you happened to catch Robots (ITV2) earlier today.
But Sunday has a shit tonne to pillage compared to Monday. So Hell’s Kitchen (ITV1) is back. So what? Nobody gives a flying fuck. We’re past that. Red Dwarf concluded on Sunday and so the best programming is the stuff that’s always on. The Gadget Show (FIVE) even without Suzi Perry is continuing to be stellar viewing whilst the gripping 24 (Sky1) makes its way to the 6 weeks remaining mark and the daily showing of entire 90 episodes of the sublime American drama The Wire (BBC2) return to TV. That’s right. Most of the best TV of the whole bloody weekend comes from Monday AND from TV that’s ALWAYS shown on Monday anyway! That is just embarrassing.
A quick mention of Britain’s Got Talent (ITV1). That was it.
So in the half assed year of 2009 where not much of interest has happened other than 24 returning and Kasabian releasing their new single for free in the first 4 months, it only seems fitting that Easter be a rushed half arsed attempt at scheduling. I’ll post another column detailing my entire experiences of half of these things afterwards but otherwise, happy Easter. Also, note the half arsed ending. Damn you 2009!
Friday, 27 March 2009
Opinionated: "We are stupider and more reliant on other people than the average simian!"
People, eh? They’re awful aren’t they? I don’t get them. What’s their appeal exactly? They waddle around with their fishbowl haircuts, cluttering the pavement like gormless farting skittles. They’re disgusting. Listen to them, their voices that splutter out of their vulgar mouths with just as filthy language and ridiculous accents. They’re pathetic. Look at them, chewing on a sandwich spilling crumbs everywhere and leaving great big dollops of mayonnaise dribbling down their chin. They don’t deserve food. They eat and act like caged animals at a zoo. That’s what they are, animals. Animals destined to be forever depressed at their lack of a tail and monkey climbing abilities. So they pick on the slightly odd, and the weird and the annoying and crush their souls into salt and sniff it up their nose as if it were cocaine. Consistently going out of their way to annoy me and make me angry or depressed or lose sleep and patience and caring. Stare at them, with their “positive attitude” and “big smile” and “hilarious sense of humour” and “worthwhile existence” whilst they are really just a waste of blood and organs and willpower. When God created us, he probably didn’t think that he’d fuck up this badly.
Hell, he created us and that’s bad enough for a start. Maybe he’d have done much better just leaving the planet to be solely inhabited by animals. But then evolution would come and fuck everything up. Stupid animals. Why couldn’t they learn their place? Why couldn’t they just stay the same, frolicking in the flowers and eating them thus the circle of life continues? Instead of deciding to be different and individual and change? Stupid worthless animals. Well, they did. And now we’re stuck to live with their stupid pathetic mistake. Thanks animals! Thanks a fucking lot!
Back in the day, it was simple. We would walk and kill animals to eat and that would be it. Sometimes we would drag whores back to our caves who would give us a bit of fun for free for as long as we want. These days, life is no longer simple. Apparently, there are now good people and bad people. People who agree with our opinions and people who don’t. People who get locked up for being insane and people who are leaders of the Liberal Democrats. People who are “in” and people who are “out”. Killing animals in mass numbers to help feed our ever-growing population is, according to hippies, wrong now. And whores charge £50 for a 5-minute quickie. This world now runs by money.
And how is money actually worth anything at all? Its just paper. Paper with a weird silver mark on it and a picture of our worthless Queen. How is this piece of paper that says it’s worth £5 any different to an average A4 piece of blank paper? It isn’t. And how do we know it’s worth anything? We don’t so we have to trust it. We have to trust paper! Chimps don’t even trust paper! We are stupider and more reliant on other people than the average simian! But how is something worth something? Do we judge it on how big and shiny it is? If so, then it should be in reverse! Coins should be worth more than paper! Paper may be big but it sure as hell ain’t shiny unless you laminate it. So why do we seem insistent on making things cost when we quite clearly know that it doesn’t exist? We thought it up as a way for us all to not become kill crazy monsters. Monsters who slaughter people for tickets to see Hannah Montana: The 3D Concert Experience. It’s a lie! Everything we know is a lie! And how did we come from nothing to something?! How can nothing just suddenly explode and become something? And a big man in the sky is responsible for everything ever? That’s it! We are nothing! This is a nightmare! A horrible nightmare that we are going to spend our entire lives living! It’s the Matrix! Damn you robots!!
Hell, he created us and that’s bad enough for a start. Maybe he’d have done much better just leaving the planet to be solely inhabited by animals. But then evolution would come and fuck everything up. Stupid animals. Why couldn’t they learn their place? Why couldn’t they just stay the same, frolicking in the flowers and eating them thus the circle of life continues? Instead of deciding to be different and individual and change? Stupid worthless animals. Well, they did. And now we’re stuck to live with their stupid pathetic mistake. Thanks animals! Thanks a fucking lot!
Back in the day, it was simple. We would walk and kill animals to eat and that would be it. Sometimes we would drag whores back to our caves who would give us a bit of fun for free for as long as we want. These days, life is no longer simple. Apparently, there are now good people and bad people. People who agree with our opinions and people who don’t. People who get locked up for being insane and people who are leaders of the Liberal Democrats. People who are “in” and people who are “out”. Killing animals in mass numbers to help feed our ever-growing population is, according to hippies, wrong now. And whores charge £50 for a 5-minute quickie. This world now runs by money.
And how is money actually worth anything at all? Its just paper. Paper with a weird silver mark on it and a picture of our worthless Queen. How is this piece of paper that says it’s worth £5 any different to an average A4 piece of blank paper? It isn’t. And how do we know it’s worth anything? We don’t so we have to trust it. We have to trust paper! Chimps don’t even trust paper! We are stupider and more reliant on other people than the average simian! But how is something worth something? Do we judge it on how big and shiny it is? If so, then it should be in reverse! Coins should be worth more than paper! Paper may be big but it sure as hell ain’t shiny unless you laminate it. So why do we seem insistent on making things cost when we quite clearly know that it doesn’t exist? We thought it up as a way for us all to not become kill crazy monsters. Monsters who slaughter people for tickets to see Hannah Montana: The 3D Concert Experience. It’s a lie! Everything we know is a lie! And how did we come from nothing to something?! How can nothing just suddenly explode and become something? And a big man in the sky is responsible for everything ever? That’s it! We are nothing! This is a nightmare! A horrible nightmare that we are going to spend our entire lives living! It’s the Matrix! Damn you robots!!
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
My Top Six TV Programmes Ever
To make up for no TV Is A Coward column last week, there'll be a special edition at the weekend. For now though, identify my top six TV programmes ever and win my utter disgust.
1.XRTERD
2.FYIRLFE
3.42
4.BSCRUS
5.SINKS
6.THOUS ARKP
Charlie Brooker's Newswipe. Tonight 10:30pm. BBC4. Watch it.
1.XRTERD
2.FYIRLFE
3.42
4.BSCRUS
5.SINKS
6.THOUS ARKP
Charlie Brooker's Newswipe. Tonight 10:30pm. BBC4. Watch it.
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
TV Is A Coward: Serious TV Is Overrated
Hands up all of those that remember and/or care about Melodrama? Anyone? Well it happens to be alive and well and not just in the soaps or those television ads where a man wrestles a dog for some sausages (don’t read into it). And it’s because of this that I am unable to watch TV (usually serious TV mind) with a straight face anymore. It’s been nothing but a week of it. Apparently serious TV is overrated.
First up 24 (Sky1) the most realistic program on television (say that with a straight face). Everything was fine until about ¾ of the way through the episode where everyone’s favourite wheelchair character, Rosa, come in to berate Agent Walker for letting her sister, Marika, die. Marika unintentionally killed herself whilst stopping Ike Dubaku from escaping. She died nobly by her own choice and Jack and Renee tried their very best to save her but that wasn’t good enough for Rosa. She sat there in her wheelchair complaining that Marika was all that she had and now that she was dead who would look after her now whilst dodging the obvious answer of “go into a home you bitch!” They say that there’s nothing to learn from 24 anymore but that’s not exactly true because it made me genuinely hate a wheelchair bound woman. “You promised that she would be alright!” she wails. Oh go fall down some stairs! Anyway, Renee instead of being a good woman and bottling it up forever took out all of her frustrations on Jack in an unintentionally hilarious scene where she and Jack hold an argument that would put soap operas which are built around this sort of thing to shame. “Does this hurt Jack?” she asks whilst slapping him on the stomach in a futile attempt to get him to feel emotions, which has the same chance of happening as you fighting a brick wall and winning. She also brought his dead wife (“Oh no she didn’t!”), which is the second time in the same number of hours. It was impossible to not laugh at. Tony reappeared for the first time in 3 episodes and that was for 2 minuets! He’s a main cast member and you just throw him in whenever and expect people to just be OK with it? It was the main selling point of the season! Don’t squander your cast like this! Next week’s 2-Hour-Television-Event(TM) promises to be a belter however and at least it’s not as bad as Season 6. And whilst I may own it on DVD, you could have a 24 season where Jack just sits in a corner sucking his thumb singing Little Boy Blue and it would still be better than Season 6.
Next up, Cloverfield (Sky Movies Premiere). A monster movie which proves the theory of that if a monster attacked New York City then everyone’s brains would go on holiday, dragging their personalities kicking and screaming, leaving everyone to either run around screaming acting like complete tossers, be completely unlikeable fuckers whilst acting like complete tossers or a combination of both whilst acting like complete tossers. So the cast is unlikeable, monster fodder if nothing else, and yet for some odd reason I kept rooting for Rob to be reunited with Beth. However, I didn’t root too much as I’d given up all hope on watching the film and read the plot on Wikipedia numerous times before seeing it so I knew that everyone died anyway (SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!). The camera work/style evoked Blair Witch Project ideas and did keep me hooked in the action, even if the camera guy (Hud) couldn’t keep a steady frame or his big fat mouth shut for 5 seconds to save his life. The monster has no explanation to its origins and that’s good because we don’t care as to what the monster’s motives for destroying a city are, we don’t know its gender and we don’t know if the only way it can get its rocks off is by destroying a city. Speaking of the monster, it’s pretty well revealed. First we what it’s capable of, then a tail here, body there, the little crawly things that come off it before we get a good quick look at it’s face. After that, they show the monster as often as possible. Whilst the monster looks like a cross between the Chimera from Resistance and Winnie the Pooh, it’s a good one. Not scary looking, but scary as to what it’s capable of. Overall, Cloverfield is an alright monster movie, has a brisk 70 min running time (with 10mins of credits), full of overacting and monsters which leads to an alright package.
Speaking of monsters, Cutting Edge films (Channel 4) are slowly turning into self parody. Once you get over the fact that this week’s offering, Revenge Of The Bin Men, sounds like the title of a dreadful B-Movie, it is almost impossible to watch without screaming at the TV how big idiots they are. Chief of these is Patrick, a crusader at Colchester better known by his superhero identity “The Bum-No-Chin Boy-Wonder”. He is a man of the people, apparently, and seems to spend every single waking moment of his life moaning about what the council plans to do. He heroically dispatched of the council’s evil plan to bring bin collection dates up to every 2 weeks and now uncovered a conspiracy to change bins to half-size the conniving bastards! So he goes about, door to door, surveying people and asking them if they thought Half-Sized wheelie bins were a good idea and remarkably only one person said yes, a fact that Patrick rubbed in our faces whilst blatantly ignoring the fact that people will say yes to anything when the cameras are turned on. When he thought he had enough evidence, he marched right up to the Head of Waste Disposal on the council and took them on in an epic, bloody battle which raged on for days and ended with our man being victorious and the evil council monster being vanquished! It didn’t actually; Patrick basically stood there for several hours, cancelling appointments and begging the guy to “have a look at this sheet” which he never did as if the noble councilman knew that the second he did, then the psychopath will bag him, bundle him into his van, drive off, slit his throat and dump the body in the middle of nowhere continuing the serial killings known as “The Colchester Dumper.” Sadly, our hero isn’t planning on giving up and swears that he will be back effectively damning Colchester’s tourist market because people are too afraid to go fearing that “The-Bum-No-Chin-Boy-Wonder” will arrive to strike them down with great vengeance. Weirdly, his previous job was a consultant. No wonder he was let go. There were many others, but quite honestly Patrick was the star of the show. And tip; don’t ever go down to Worchester. It’s an £80 fine for disposing of a cigarette butt. If you ever get a chance, try watching a spin off Snowstorm: Britain’s Big Freeze. 25% heart wrenching stories of woe and bravery. 25% footage of people falling over. 50% of the Met Office bragging about how they apparently predicted that this would happen to the minute. Smug bastards.
The Colour Of Money (ITV1) may not have been on this week but due to me being dreadful at writing on time I can review last week’s episode instead. Ha ha ha! The Colour Of Money works like this, Chris Tarrent introduces contestants who seem to act like rejects off of The X Factor with more emotional baggage than a possum. Chris Tarrent then forces them to withdraw a random amount of money from 10 out of 20 coloured (see what they did there) cash machines. The cash machines go up in increments of £1,000 at a time and lock when they get to a certain number. The contestant needs to stop the machine before it hits this amount to bag the money. If they don’t, then the money is locked out and the total starts slipping from their reach. If they hit the target, they get the lot. If not, they get nothing. And to combat the seriousness of these sentences, oingo boingo whoopsy knickers. The show is just basically a shady attempt to see how close ITV can get to ripping off Deal Or No Deal without being lumped with a great whopping lawsuit. They pull it off rather well, to be honest. That tagline, “The Most Stressful Show on Television” really does carry some weight because it is VEEEERY stressful. At home, you’ll play it safe, working the averages and slowly chipping away at the total. In game however, everyone goes high risk leaving you to furiously scream at the TV how big moronic baboons they are. Two issues though. First off, apparently Chris can’t pull in the kids these days so they needed to get a co-host. So welcome the big titted, big chested, bimbo blonde Millie. Her job seems to involve being eye candy, reassuring the contestants that their target is always reachable even when it isn’t and use her mathematically capable brain to tell us sums and numbers that appear on the MASSIVE SCREEN BEHIND HER!! What’s wrong with Chris Tarrant doing it all instead? You’ll save a hell of a lot more money unless she happens to be a prostitute that works for free. Mind you, she’s not that much of a bimbo. She can take 10,000 away from 64,000 and get the correct answer of 54,000. She obviously went to Harvard. Second, the programme would be the most British thing on TV if it weren’t for the before the break and after the break segments. With the most American announcer ever and quick flash clips, they last a minute and are completely pointless. One of them even shown us whether they’d win or not! If you cut those out you would save 5 minutes of the show. A much better use of everyone’s time I think you’ll agree.
Whenever you want realism, you watch wrestling. TNA iMPACT! (Bravo) is actually half decent once you stop sniggering at the fact that the name sounds like a porn film. This week’s episodes have so many hilarious moments that the matches now just seem to be a way to connect the Shakespearian backstage skits. I could go into the plot at the moment, but it’s too complicated and in-depth that a simple summary would take an hour. But I’ll try. So there are two warring factions, the Main Event Mafia a collection of 4 legends and Scott Steiner who are old and cranky and remember the good old days when the olden wrestlers would get the respect they deserve by the young blood and Francis it’s time for my soap operas. And there’s the Frontline a group of men and a transsexual who think that this is all a load of bullshit. The Frontline is generally ignored in favour of seeing the Main Event Mafia slowly self implode by its two leaders. Sting, whose ideas of respect are what inspired the Mafia and Kurt Angle who created the Mafia based on Sting’s principles but really wants total control of TNA. After last week’s empty arena match that isn’t really a match, Kurt and Sting both said that they wanted each other at Destination X but suddenly they don’t or maybe they do but the family says they don’t but Sting… oh I can’t keep this up! This shit is BANANAS! Watch the actual thing if you really want to know what’s happening. I’m just here to moan about the actual thing. For example, why is Booker T asking the police to arrest AJ Styles because he attacked him and stole his belt? It happens to everyone! Get over it! Why is Beer Money Inc. suddenly dictating the rules of a match? Why is Samoa Joe threatening Scott Steiner with a knife/saw/thing? That’s it, Saws and Knives match between Joe and Steiner at Destination X. It’s the only thing that’ll do now. After this, fists are going to be such a massive let down. But how ace would it be for Joe to actually kill Steiner? Why is Madison Rayne, a newcomer from just 3 matches, suddenly turning heel? Another related note, why is everyone turning evil? My brother noted this just before one of the two most melodrama sections of the programme. Don West (announcer) out of nowhere went into a very obviously scripted rant to his co-announcer Mike Tenay about something or other and then storming off. This was simply hilarious but I expected the honeymoon to be over next week as Don would either not be there or be there but kiss and make up. And it truly looked like it would happen, at the beginning but then Don started getting all evil on our asses and then spent the half of the programme he was there bickering at Mike. So now, Evil Announcer. Sheer genius. So now, I can’t wait for who’s going to turn evil next. The Ring Announcer? Jeff Jarret? Camera Crews? The Lighting Department? Yeah! The Lighting Department! Instead of lights, they replace them with lasers and cut into anyone who happens to be in their sights! On the opposite end of the spectrum, as far away from hilarious as possible and just sheer terrifying was Sojourner Bolt and Rhaka Khan. Sojo called Kong and Raisha Saeed out to a match but was interrupted half-way through by Rhaka grabbing the mic and rapping. Yes, rapping. And it was horrible. Instead of rapping properly and dropping F-Bombs and bragging about how many men/women you’ve fucked, she used Dr. Seuss style rhyming couplets about how she a Sojo have “been scheming, and scheming and we ain’t deceiving.” No man should ever have to hear that! Stick to the day job. Still, you gotta love wrestling.
Shakespeare. Who said he wasn’t relevant today?
First up 24 (Sky1) the most realistic program on television (say that with a straight face). Everything was fine until about ¾ of the way through the episode where everyone’s favourite wheelchair character, Rosa, come in to berate Agent Walker for letting her sister, Marika, die. Marika unintentionally killed herself whilst stopping Ike Dubaku from escaping. She died nobly by her own choice and Jack and Renee tried their very best to save her but that wasn’t good enough for Rosa. She sat there in her wheelchair complaining that Marika was all that she had and now that she was dead who would look after her now whilst dodging the obvious answer of “go into a home you bitch!” They say that there’s nothing to learn from 24 anymore but that’s not exactly true because it made me genuinely hate a wheelchair bound woman. “You promised that she would be alright!” she wails. Oh go fall down some stairs! Anyway, Renee instead of being a good woman and bottling it up forever took out all of her frustrations on Jack in an unintentionally hilarious scene where she and Jack hold an argument that would put soap operas which are built around this sort of thing to shame. “Does this hurt Jack?” she asks whilst slapping him on the stomach in a futile attempt to get him to feel emotions, which has the same chance of happening as you fighting a brick wall and winning. She also brought his dead wife (“Oh no she didn’t!”), which is the second time in the same number of hours. It was impossible to not laugh at. Tony reappeared for the first time in 3 episodes and that was for 2 minuets! He’s a main cast member and you just throw him in whenever and expect people to just be OK with it? It was the main selling point of the season! Don’t squander your cast like this! Next week’s 2-Hour-Television-Event(TM) promises to be a belter however and at least it’s not as bad as Season 6. And whilst I may own it on DVD, you could have a 24 season where Jack just sits in a corner sucking his thumb singing Little Boy Blue and it would still be better than Season 6.
Next up, Cloverfield (Sky Movies Premiere). A monster movie which proves the theory of that if a monster attacked New York City then everyone’s brains would go on holiday, dragging their personalities kicking and screaming, leaving everyone to either run around screaming acting like complete tossers, be completely unlikeable fuckers whilst acting like complete tossers or a combination of both whilst acting like complete tossers. So the cast is unlikeable, monster fodder if nothing else, and yet for some odd reason I kept rooting for Rob to be reunited with Beth. However, I didn’t root too much as I’d given up all hope on watching the film and read the plot on Wikipedia numerous times before seeing it so I knew that everyone died anyway (SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!). The camera work/style evoked Blair Witch Project ideas and did keep me hooked in the action, even if the camera guy (Hud) couldn’t keep a steady frame or his big fat mouth shut for 5 seconds to save his life. The monster has no explanation to its origins and that’s good because we don’t care as to what the monster’s motives for destroying a city are, we don’t know its gender and we don’t know if the only way it can get its rocks off is by destroying a city. Speaking of the monster, it’s pretty well revealed. First we what it’s capable of, then a tail here, body there, the little crawly things that come off it before we get a good quick look at it’s face. After that, they show the monster as often as possible. Whilst the monster looks like a cross between the Chimera from Resistance and Winnie the Pooh, it’s a good one. Not scary looking, but scary as to what it’s capable of. Overall, Cloverfield is an alright monster movie, has a brisk 70 min running time (with 10mins of credits), full of overacting and monsters which leads to an alright package.
Speaking of monsters, Cutting Edge films (Channel 4) are slowly turning into self parody. Once you get over the fact that this week’s offering, Revenge Of The Bin Men, sounds like the title of a dreadful B-Movie, it is almost impossible to watch without screaming at the TV how big idiots they are. Chief of these is Patrick, a crusader at Colchester better known by his superhero identity “The Bum-No-Chin Boy-Wonder”. He is a man of the people, apparently, and seems to spend every single waking moment of his life moaning about what the council plans to do. He heroically dispatched of the council’s evil plan to bring bin collection dates up to every 2 weeks and now uncovered a conspiracy to change bins to half-size the conniving bastards! So he goes about, door to door, surveying people and asking them if they thought Half-Sized wheelie bins were a good idea and remarkably only one person said yes, a fact that Patrick rubbed in our faces whilst blatantly ignoring the fact that people will say yes to anything when the cameras are turned on. When he thought he had enough evidence, he marched right up to the Head of Waste Disposal on the council and took them on in an epic, bloody battle which raged on for days and ended with our man being victorious and the evil council monster being vanquished! It didn’t actually; Patrick basically stood there for several hours, cancelling appointments and begging the guy to “have a look at this sheet” which he never did as if the noble councilman knew that the second he did, then the psychopath will bag him, bundle him into his van, drive off, slit his throat and dump the body in the middle of nowhere continuing the serial killings known as “The Colchester Dumper.” Sadly, our hero isn’t planning on giving up and swears that he will be back effectively damning Colchester’s tourist market because people are too afraid to go fearing that “The-Bum-No-Chin-Boy-Wonder” will arrive to strike them down with great vengeance. Weirdly, his previous job was a consultant. No wonder he was let go. There were many others, but quite honestly Patrick was the star of the show. And tip; don’t ever go down to Worchester. It’s an £80 fine for disposing of a cigarette butt. If you ever get a chance, try watching a spin off Snowstorm: Britain’s Big Freeze. 25% heart wrenching stories of woe and bravery. 25% footage of people falling over. 50% of the Met Office bragging about how they apparently predicted that this would happen to the minute. Smug bastards.
The Colour Of Money (ITV1) may not have been on this week but due to me being dreadful at writing on time I can review last week’s episode instead. Ha ha ha! The Colour Of Money works like this, Chris Tarrent introduces contestants who seem to act like rejects off of The X Factor with more emotional baggage than a possum. Chris Tarrent then forces them to withdraw a random amount of money from 10 out of 20 coloured (see what they did there) cash machines. The cash machines go up in increments of £1,000 at a time and lock when they get to a certain number. The contestant needs to stop the machine before it hits this amount to bag the money. If they don’t, then the money is locked out and the total starts slipping from their reach. If they hit the target, they get the lot. If not, they get nothing. And to combat the seriousness of these sentences, oingo boingo whoopsy knickers. The show is just basically a shady attempt to see how close ITV can get to ripping off Deal Or No Deal without being lumped with a great whopping lawsuit. They pull it off rather well, to be honest. That tagline, “The Most Stressful Show on Television” really does carry some weight because it is VEEEERY stressful. At home, you’ll play it safe, working the averages and slowly chipping away at the total. In game however, everyone goes high risk leaving you to furiously scream at the TV how big moronic baboons they are. Two issues though. First off, apparently Chris can’t pull in the kids these days so they needed to get a co-host. So welcome the big titted, big chested, bimbo blonde Millie. Her job seems to involve being eye candy, reassuring the contestants that their target is always reachable even when it isn’t and use her mathematically capable brain to tell us sums and numbers that appear on the MASSIVE SCREEN BEHIND HER!! What’s wrong with Chris Tarrant doing it all instead? You’ll save a hell of a lot more money unless she happens to be a prostitute that works for free. Mind you, she’s not that much of a bimbo. She can take 10,000 away from 64,000 and get the correct answer of 54,000. She obviously went to Harvard. Second, the programme would be the most British thing on TV if it weren’t for the before the break and after the break segments. With the most American announcer ever and quick flash clips, they last a minute and are completely pointless. One of them even shown us whether they’d win or not! If you cut those out you would save 5 minutes of the show. A much better use of everyone’s time I think you’ll agree.
Whenever you want realism, you watch wrestling. TNA iMPACT! (Bravo) is actually half decent once you stop sniggering at the fact that the name sounds like a porn film. This week’s episodes have so many hilarious moments that the matches now just seem to be a way to connect the Shakespearian backstage skits. I could go into the plot at the moment, but it’s too complicated and in-depth that a simple summary would take an hour. But I’ll try. So there are two warring factions, the Main Event Mafia a collection of 4 legends and Scott Steiner who are old and cranky and remember the good old days when the olden wrestlers would get the respect they deserve by the young blood and Francis it’s time for my soap operas. And there’s the Frontline a group of men and a transsexual who think that this is all a load of bullshit. The Frontline is generally ignored in favour of seeing the Main Event Mafia slowly self implode by its two leaders. Sting, whose ideas of respect are what inspired the Mafia and Kurt Angle who created the Mafia based on Sting’s principles but really wants total control of TNA. After last week’s empty arena match that isn’t really a match, Kurt and Sting both said that they wanted each other at Destination X but suddenly they don’t or maybe they do but the family says they don’t but Sting… oh I can’t keep this up! This shit is BANANAS! Watch the actual thing if you really want to know what’s happening. I’m just here to moan about the actual thing. For example, why is Booker T asking the police to arrest AJ Styles because he attacked him and stole his belt? It happens to everyone! Get over it! Why is Beer Money Inc. suddenly dictating the rules of a match? Why is Samoa Joe threatening Scott Steiner with a knife/saw/thing? That’s it, Saws and Knives match between Joe and Steiner at Destination X. It’s the only thing that’ll do now. After this, fists are going to be such a massive let down. But how ace would it be for Joe to actually kill Steiner? Why is Madison Rayne, a newcomer from just 3 matches, suddenly turning heel? Another related note, why is everyone turning evil? My brother noted this just before one of the two most melodrama sections of the programme. Don West (announcer) out of nowhere went into a very obviously scripted rant to his co-announcer Mike Tenay about something or other and then storming off. This was simply hilarious but I expected the honeymoon to be over next week as Don would either not be there or be there but kiss and make up. And it truly looked like it would happen, at the beginning but then Don started getting all evil on our asses and then spent the half of the programme he was there bickering at Mike. So now, Evil Announcer. Sheer genius. So now, I can’t wait for who’s going to turn evil next. The Ring Announcer? Jeff Jarret? Camera Crews? The Lighting Department? Yeah! The Lighting Department! Instead of lights, they replace them with lasers and cut into anyone who happens to be in their sights! On the opposite end of the spectrum, as far away from hilarious as possible and just sheer terrifying was Sojourner Bolt and Rhaka Khan. Sojo called Kong and Raisha Saeed out to a match but was interrupted half-way through by Rhaka grabbing the mic and rapping. Yes, rapping. And it was horrible. Instead of rapping properly and dropping F-Bombs and bragging about how many men/women you’ve fucked, she used Dr. Seuss style rhyming couplets about how she a Sojo have “been scheming, and scheming and we ain’t deceiving.” No man should ever have to hear that! Stick to the day job. Still, you gotta love wrestling.
Shakespeare. Who said he wasn’t relevant today?
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